To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

@StrawberrySquash This. I think there's a lot of projecting going on from women who are thinking of their own child in this situation, and what it would feel like having to deal with their own ex for something potentially life changing for their child, something that might be blocked by his new partner & how distressing that would be.

I agree with this. No way should he go any further without a paternity test.

Yes, YABU and thankfully it's not your decision.

I don’t think bodily autonomy means what you think it means. Bodily autonomy means that nobody - not the state, not the hospital, not OP and certainly not us - should be able to take this decision out of this man’s hands. It does not mean that we can’t have a low opinion of a man who chooses not to help save the life of his own child.

The inalienable right to choose doesn’t mean being protected from all the social consequences of our choices.

Thank you
The insensitivity of your post is astounding OP.
If your partner is suitable as a donor, it could be life changing for the boy who he has just found out about. And yes, this boy is very likely to be his son.
Why would his ex make up this information?

I think you need go bow out of this and give your dh the space to make his decision ans suppprt him in whatever that might be.

No, I don't think that can remotely be assumed. The situation is complex, and we have barely any information.

Some conditions are 'will' not 'could', meaning it would be a choice about which child whether anyone likes that or not. There is no way of knowing whether the child needing a transplant at 13 would necessarily even be the worst affected.

This all sounds as dodgy as hell.

Why hasn't the mother been tested? Wouldn't she be first to offer?

I'm not sure I'm buying this and would urge your DH to get a paternity test done asap.

Errrr yes she does.

He's not a random man! He's her partner and more importantly, the father of her child!!

She's pregnant for ffs, and this is her partner potentially having an operation when she herself is more vulnerable than usual.

Of course he's going to want to do what he can if this is his son, but if it's an inherited condition and the OP's child goes on to have this illness as well.....then where will he get that kidney? Her? Someone else? Might be a match, but not be, but it would no longer be much of an option.

But it:s extremely unlikely.

And this is the initial testing. He might not be a match or there might be medical conditions that would contraindicate his donating.

But it's his decision as an adult with capacity.

My understanding is that - yes, you can die from donating an organ. There is always a risk, albeit low according to various sources.

No it's a no-brainer slam dunk - the poorly child get the organ first - not what if our other babies get sick too...my if its his child his respilonsibilities are split equally 3 ways - not 2.

I think you are getting a bit jumped on, OP. Processing the existence of a child is a big deal, especially when you are a bag of hormones. And people are jumping awfully quickly to say that one simply must donate the kidney as if bodily autonomy and consent aren't issues. Are all of those people offering up their own kidneys for possible altruistic donation? They could also save a life after all. I hope they all donate blood, which is a much smaller deal than a kidney. And are on the bone marrow register.

What a shock. I think your DP should go through the testing and go from there. I would encourage him to donate if he is a match. Other than the tragedy of such a young child dying, I cant imagine your partner would ever forgive you if he doesnt at least try.

Helpful

I don’t know enough about the genetics but is it likely that his children with OP would only be a match for him and not their mother?

ETA OP’s children also have a sibling, so another possible match. In any case none of this is a reason not to get tested.

My apologies if I have understood this incorrectly but are you saying that it doesn't matter if he actually is the father, he should just volunteer to donate to a random child?

But then you could argue-
say he says no. The condition is passed by him. His eldest with op needs a kidney. Should he say no to them because the youngest might need a kidney and he won’t have another to donate?

you’re assuming he would even be a match for his two children with op.

Yes he has one kidney to donate. Why should this child’s life have any less value than his other children. It’s not his fault his dad didn’t know he existed.

Your husband has to live with whatever he decides for the rest of his life, this needs to be his decision alone.

It’s not your decision and I think you should not get involved at all. If you try to stop him doing it he might end up hating you. A child’s life is more important than having some help with a newborn. Plenty of people manage without any help.

Surely if all three of your children might have a genetic condition that meant they could need a kidney, you would donate to the first one who actually developed the condition and needed the transplant right now? I don’t think I would allow DS1 to die just in case DS2 got ill.

What those posters are suggesting is that this child is actually worth less than OP’s children. Which is abhorrent.

What an awful way for your DP to find out he’s a father and has been deprived of being in his Sons life. He should do the test at least. If he doesn’t and a deceased donor can’t be found in time, how on earth do you live with that? He’s his flesh and blood, (most likely).

I do understand though. I may well need a kidney transplant myself at some point (have a rare illness) & I too don’t want a living donor- I don’t think it would be fair to ask my children for instance. It’s terrifying on both sides of the fence.

As someone has already said, you need to find out if the kidney disease is genetic and if your husband is a carrier.

Horrible situation, I hope it works out for all concerned.

I would take the boy's words about not wanting/needing a Dad with a huge pinch of salt! I never knew my father and knew very little about him as my Mum would get cross if I asked. I got very used to saying 'I don't want/need a Dad' and would have said I didn't want to meet him but this was only because I felt like I had to be loyal to my mum and I'd been repeating that stance my whole childhood.

He will also be nervous of potential rejection and saying he doesn't need a dad might be a self- preservation thing.

Aside from all of that, whatever mess led to your DH not knowing about his child - that is irrelevant now. Your DH has a chance to save his child's life - whatever else happens down the line relationship wise is secondary. How could you ask him not to do that?! How could you want to have a family with a man who wouldn't?

You didn't ask for your world to be turned upside down like this and I'd definitely recommend turning to a therapist/friend for support for yourself. But there is no way your relationship can remain unchanged by this unfortunately - either he does it and you have to be supportive or he doesn't and he may resent you.

Just to repeat - would you want to build a family with a man who wouldn't at least try to save his own child?!