To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

The chances of him being a match without being the father are much much less so if he was a match that would clear up if he was the father

@Born2 this is his choice and one HE needs to live with. If he wants to you need to support this

I understand you don't like the situation.
However, in the end, he has just learnt that he has a child and he will want to and need to react to that. And yes, he might decide to do it. He might decide he wants to spend time with his son.

The good thing is, that if he isn't the boys father, he probably won't match. And he definitely shouldn't go for a several donors exchange without knowing for sure that the boy is his

He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that. @Born2

You can't honestly think that means your dp doesn't need to do anything?

You are grasping at straws if you think this means your dp isn't needed.

What the child needs is a matching kidney, and there's a chance it could come from his biological father.

His body his choice, but I would want to do a paternity test too if I were him. It’s a lot to donate a kidney so I’d want to know if I was really a parent first.

Yes, I'm wondering why the mother hasn't been tested.

Of course he should test and donate if he is a match.

Agreed.

The first question that needs answering is why the mother hasn't been tested.

So many people are jumping on OP when it looks rather as though the mother is the one who should be facing the hard questions.

Reading OP's last update it's not really that odd as it seems like she's lied in the past. Perhaps she doesn't know who the father is, which he needs to have a paternity test before going any further.

If this is Alport syndrome the mother might well be ineligible to donate -carriers can sometimes develop symptoms of the condition themselves.

Surely there must be some other reason why the mum hasn’t been tested if that is true. I can’t believe any mother would refuse.

My exBF had a kidney transplant at 21 and it’s still going strong nearly 30 years later. I signed up for a donation card due to that but until that point I don’t think I realised how few donations there actually are - being willing to donate in the event of your death is all well and good but unless the circumstances of your death mean you are on a life support machine you are very unlikely to be able to donate anyway. A live family donor is always a better possibility but it is a difficult process.

I think that’s a rather patronising assumption. I don’t have an ex, I’ve been with DH for 34 years. I think people are capable of making the imaginative leap to a situation not identical to their own, and most normally socialised people would take a dim view of a father who refused to consider saving his own child’s life, the only thing he’s been able to offer that child in 13 years of his life. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is that he hasn’t been able to do anything for him; he’s his son, and he can at least attempt to help him now.

It’s a bit odd you said it might not even be his child. Why would the mum want your partner to get tested if he wasn’t the dad. It’s literally because she thinks they have the same dna that she’s been in touch.

would be a long shot for her to bother if it was another man’s child.

OP I would think as a priority you need to find out what the condition is and if it might be genetic. Because that could have an impact on birth plan and newborn care. Will you need to be in a place with particular facilities, will extra tests be needed?

I don’t know whether there are medical reasons why she hasn’t done it, that information hasn’t been provided. If it is the case that she just doesn’t want to…then yes, I find that utterly unfathomable.

Yes, but if I said I wanted an abortion, most of Mumsnet would have a poor opinion of someone who jumped on me saying I was duty bound to carry the child.

In reality if I were in this chaps situation I'd find it hard to walk away. But it is still his body.

For those saying of course he should - that's very easy to say, but the reality I am sure is very different.
If course it seems like a no brainer that you should save a child's life - when you put it like that.
If someone asked me to donate an organ for a stranger, I'd need to know what the implications would be on my health, my family, my children and our future. I'd want to know the likelihood of it being successful to be able to weigh up the risks and benefits, and if there was a risk to my health - what impact would this have on my ability to work, to provide for my family and other children? Could I die on the table and leave my own children without their parent?
I'd love to say that regardless of who it was, if I could save a child's life I would. Even if it was a total stranger and they weren't biologically mine, I'd love to say I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do it. But would I put my own children first? 100%. I'd take my time to really think about it and ensure I knew the full implications for all involved, before deciding.
Testing doesn't obligate him to donate though - so there is no reason he can't test to see if he's a match in the first place.

It's valid to feel angry that this person kept your DPs child from him all these years and is only now getting in touch to ask a huge sacrifice. It's valid to feel worried about the impact on you, and to not want him to do it.

I hope your DH makes the right choice for both him, you, and the child.

I appreciate thst you are pregnant, so will temper my response with that fact. There is no option here. This child could die. A child your dp created. The sibling of your own children. How do you think your own dc would feel about your dp not acting? Letting their sibling die?

Yes, it is inconvenient, but tough fucking shit. You need to pull yourself together and realise this is not something to mess with. This child might die. Your dp has to try to save him.

This sounds crazy to me. His ex lied about an abortion. Told your partner to lie to the child even when visiting! And hasn’t got tested but has asked him?!
Id say I’ll get tested once you do. I’d find the whole thing hard to believe tbh. She sounds like a piece of work.

I understand that finding out your DP has another child in this manner must be a hell of a head spin.

However, it's not your choice to make and it's very wrong to tell someone else to not donate a potentially life saving organ to their own child.

You don't even know that he's a match yet. There's a whole process before he'll know it's even an option.

I really hope this isn't real. If it is then YABU. It's not up to you anyway, and of course he's doing the right thing wanting to save his childs life. How could you not realise that?

I presume you have a low opinion of the mother for not being tested?

Strange the mum hasn't been tested. He should 100% get tested, if his son dies and he never gets tested he will be left with the "what if's" and the guilt of that. He may not even be a match.

This.

It is up to your DH. But I would think very little if him if he wasn't prepared to try to save his child's life