To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

This poster don’t say they would let a kid die. Dial down the drama

Maybe there's no point? She may have given him the condition that makes it impossible.

An awful lot of posters on this thread seem to have already concluded that he is the father without proof.

Before ANYTHING else is done, a paternity test must be carried out.

IF he is your DPs son, then you can go from there.

Would anyone thrilled to be OP in this scenario?! Of course they wouldn’t! If it was so urgent then why hadn’t the mum been tested? Mum also doesn’t sound like Miss reliable or honest either. Things are going wasay to quickly, the starting point is surely a DNA test?

I understand you are probably in shock as neither of you knew he had a son, however given the serious circumstances of all this I feel you should be supporting your partner with his decision to want to get tested.

The testing process is lengthy and one, however I imagine the first things they will want to know are if the blood group and tissue type are a match. Once this has been established he will be tested further, CT scans, ultrasounds, GFR, DMSA tests etc and also a need to undergo an assessment by an independent asser. This is likely to take weeks, in our case it took months, by which point you will have had your baby.

Other things to consider are, the mother may have a health condition which means she cannot donate full stop, therefore hasn't gone through the testing process. Is this condition which causes the kidney problems genetic?

There should be counselling support available from the hospital, but ultimately if this is something your partner is willing to do and therefore save a life then you need to be there by his side to support him and his son.

I don't believe the mother hasn't been tested.

I really don't believe that at all.

That's fucking pathetic, you don't play games like that with a child's life.

(edited out a comment as I hadn't seen one of the OP's posts )

Up to DP but I can see how this news is massively unwelcome and unpleasant for you on lots of levels. First thing would presumably be making sure the child is actually his? Your DP also needs to understand his responsibilities to you and his new child, and make arrangements so that whatever he does minimises impact for you both. You might need to find someone professional to talk this all through with though as it will be a headfuck.

Surely number 1 is paternity test. Then, after the results of that, the question of donor testing can be looked at in context.

So you'd let a 13 yo die incase your baby needed the kidney in the future? Fucking hell.

@Born2 it's terrible timing, but you are still being 'unreasonable' (to put it politely)

The chances of it matching if the child isn't his son is so small you could say zero.

the child is going to die if he doesn't get a donor. DIE. He's 13, he's angry & scared. Of course he's saying he doesn't need a Dad, that's never been interested in him (your DH says he didn't know about him but that may not be what the child has been told..

Surely you gave friends who can help with your other kids & support you. If not you can pay someone.

I know what a huge shock this is OP as this happened to my DH (without the added complication of organ donation) and why you are reacting this way but it is up to your DP if he gets tested and ultimately if he donates as they are his organs to decide about. I'd ask him to get a DNA test first though.

"What you can’t do is tell DH whether he can or cannot get tested. He might not be a match. In which case all of this goes away. It might not be his child (although I suspect he & you are probably pretty sure it is). I imagine the child’s mum reached out as a last resort. All you can do is be honest with each other but ultimately, it will be your DH decision to make once all of the information is available to him."

This is how it is. As a previous poster said, it's his decision as an adult with capacity. Some might think he'd have to be quite lacking in compassion to just let the child suffer / die without even exploring the possibility of helping.

if this were your child on dialysis instead of another woman’s, what would you want him to do then?

Don’t be so selfish. Absolutely shameful.

But if he wants to donate he has too. Your relationship won’t survive, and neither will your husband if a child dies because he didn’t do this, as messed up as it is.

If mum hasn’t been tested, why put it on him, she wants him to give her son a kidney then fuck off. I think if he wants to donate he can if she’s tested and considered it as well.

It doesn’t matter whose fault it is! It’s certainly not the child’s fault, and he is the one who will die if he doesn’t get the transplant.

I can understand why you are worried but it's not your choice. I really respect your DH for wanting to get tested. He helped create the child, and it's hardly a 13/14 year old boy's fault that his mum lied about having an abortion.

There aren't many things that trump being there to support your pregnant wife, but saving a child's life is definitely one of them.

Im sure both you and your partner must be in shock right now.

1. Test to confirm your DPs parentage of this child.
2. Counselling support for your Dp re:live donation issue.
3. Testing for donation compatibility./suitability,

I think number 1 is getting tested. Being tested doesn't mean he has to donate, it just means he can. Hospitals have psychological support to help your partner make the decision if he does turn out to be a match. I'm sure it all feels huge right now, but take it 1 step at a time.

Whose fault is that? He didn’t know the boy existed!

DNA test and have him tested to be a donor. If he isn't a match for donation, that makes it easy and he'll never have to wonder what could have been if the child doesn't make it through.

If he is a match, then you need to support your DH to make whatever decision he can live with. He is the one that has to live with the results of his decision. I don't think there is a right or wrong decision. He can decide not to donate for whatever reason is right to him. He can decide to donate if he couldn't live with not doing so, or for any reason.

You can tell DH your opinion but, in the end, it's him that has to live with this, so his decision.

This!

I mean surely you’d do that before going on Facebook..
And then the gall to ask him to lie

OP if your husband is a match and does go ahead for the transplant it won’t be tomorrow. There are a lot of tests etc that will need to be done and a date will be agreed dialysis is no life and if it is his child he should so all to step up- and what a great man he is for getting tested! Yes he should have been told about his son- but he wasn’t but now the situation is here. Every op holds risk but if he’s fit and healthy then u should support him.

I know its a huge shock but we are talking about saving a life here, This could be your child if the shoe was on the other foot. It may not be convienient for you because it's not your child but dont ever assume that you or your own are immune from situations like this and maybe someday you will need the kindness of others.

Obviously wait for a paternity test too