To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

She’s being jumped on for even talking about her concerns. There is a small number of posters who expressed sympathy and understanding, the rest are just being hysterical

I’m not on any organ donation register but I don’t have to be, here in Scotland we operate an opt out system.
And, without clutching any pearls, I would absolutely donate a kidney to my child, no doubt about it

I really don’t see why the mum would have reached out to do if it weren’t his child.

I’m sure dp is the dad or why would she have contacted him. I’d get tested for sure, I couldn’t not, but I’d also insist she gets tested or explains clearly why she knows she’s not a match, and want to understand more of the condition - as others say your baby may be at risk, or the mum may know it is from her and rules her out for the transplant (although that last bit that it rules her out seems unlikely as her kidneys are presumably both still working)

this would be really tough and there are some strange things with what the mum is saying but your dp can’t just let a child die. Testing doesn’t mean he’s a match. Does he have family who might support you both through an op and post birth?

Agree with everything @Oftenaddled has said on this tread. Also, sound advice regarding a will. If you have children and you don't already have a will, living trust, etc then stop posting on MN right this moment and use the time to get your life organised.

We are going off the assumption that the child is his and if it is his child and he is a match then to deny the kidney is abhorrent. A previous poster has explained the process in great detail, it will become apparent if the DP is the father during the evaluation process.

Sure the OP has a right to worry and I completely understand her worries. But not to stop him. It's a long process, with psychological assessment, interviews, meetings with independent advisors and they will absolutely want to make sure DH has thought about how he will manage his current commitments.

But the level of planning, wills etc should be as much and no more (arguably less) than a woman should make before giving birth. Sadly, that's riskier. Anyone with children should have wills and as much of a plan as possible in place.

But that’s the same with all of us every day - there are thousands of kids who need kidney transplants at any one time & we’re not all altruistically out there offering kidneys. If it turns out he is is son, then he obviously needs to consider it, but not before then.

What if it’s not your child?

There are no studies showing quality of life is much affected. You are advised not to lift heavy objects for six weeks and not to drive for about two. You need to rebuild core muscles. You have an annual check up for kidney function, blood pressure etc. You have a slightly higher risk of developing end stage kidney disease very late in life that you would otherwise have, but the absolute risk remains very small. The medical team goes through all this with you at length and in detail before you are fully tested, before you commit, before the operation.

Sorry OP but he should get tested. To do anything else is imho unthinkable. Any inaction could lead to a child losing his life but your focus seems to be only on you and yours.

To save my child's life? I would do it without needing anytime to think about it.

It is a serious decision and the risks need to be discussed and OP has a right to
worry. If I had to donate a kidney to my child I would certainly think through
and talk through the risks with my partner, including the risk of leaving my other children orphaned. Even things like
a will and life/critical illness insurance, you don’t just run into this.

most people are jumping on OP even though they have no idea what kind of surgery it is and not caring about risks, because it’s not them who bears these risks. Very irresponsible.

and he absolutely should first get paternity test and find out why mother is not a suitable donor

This is the message that OP should listen to. Clearly @Oftenaddled knows what the process is like and I found it helpful how she clarified that paternity would most likely come to light during the testing anyway.

Bloody hell, your lack of compassion is breathtaking, OP, truly. I’m staggered. That poor boy….

That's a good question - I don't know the answer but he could ask the donation team. Nobody rushes you off to dig out your kidney, fortunately! You get an independent team with no interaction with the recipient's team, and lots of time to ask about these things before you get close to making a decision. They are very very careful not to put you under pressure. Can be a bit infuriating actually when you are already sure about donating and just want to get on with it!

@Born2 This must have been such a shock and I can totally understand why you feel you need the support of your husband for the birth and introduction of your baby. Its a pretty over-whelming time for you and suddenly learning your husband has an older child must be really daunting for you both not to mention unsettling.

I don't think I would want him to do it either but I would let him. I think if you don't, then it will have a very negative impact on your relationship because this is his decision to make and not yours. Now he knows about his son, things will change, you can't erase that.

You need to steal yourself here OP. This needs to happen. You need to motivate yourself to agree to this by putting yourself in this woman's place, imagine this was your child, what would you do to save your child?

Its OK to tell him how you feel and its natural to want to prioritise your family but you need to understand that this is his decision alone and if you try forcing him, he may walk away.

This will not be easy but OP, helping his son if he can, is the right thing to do and you need to suck it up and support him although this will be at a great cost to you at a really emotional time.

Yes, wasting time by getting a paternity test done FIRST makes a lot of sense 🙄the DP should firstly find out why the child has the condition, meet with the medical team and undergo testing to see if he is a match at the same time as paternity testing. But waiting for the paternity test first is such a waste of time when a life is on the line.

Once paternity is confirmed, he needs to know what the issue is with the kidneys. If it is a genetic defect, is he at risk of developing the same disease? If so, even if he is a match, then that would leave him extremely vulnerable with only one kidney.

I wonder how many people understand the complexity of donating organs using living donors. It is not as simple as most people on here assume. Whilst you can survive on one kidney, quality of life is likely to be impacted to a large degree. This decision affects everyone and the OP is justified in being concerned.

Ok so I have donated a kidney to my teenage child, and I can tell you now, no matter how urgent, if your partner chooses to go through with the donation process, it will be months and months of testing him to ensure he is able to. (mine personally was around 9 months)
my daughter was very suddenly, very unexpectedly diagnosed and was very, very poorly.
However she had hemodialysis at a children’s hospital until I was able to donate after all my testing.
Wishing you all the best of luck in your decision

I think the first step here is does DP want a paternity test and go from there.
If he is, give them both some time to get used to the idea and then consider donor matching.
It a big decision and no.need to rush if son is on dialysis

There are children dying today without a kidney transplant. You could be a match! Are you denying a child life saving treatment? How shameful!

It's a thing you would do for your own child though, surely.

Sure, ask for DNA test if you must though it may feel a bit crass. But if DH goes some way with the testing, it will become apparent whether he and this child are closely related or not. If he wants to pull out at that (or any) stage, his clinical team will tell the recipient family he's not fit to donate (because unwillingness, undue pressure etc fall into this category, though they won't give reasons).

That's really good to hear and I didn't know that.
But how long for? If the op did go wrong and he took 6 months off work to recover, would the NHS still pay for that? Not trying to be goady but, if I were in the OP's position and about to go on maternity leave, finances would be a concern. Which I'm sure lots of posters on here would judge me for given how many seem keen to cut open the guy themselves but not everyone is on a six figure salary with 200k in savings.

What a horrible shock.

I get why you're responding this way. It's a hugely emotional time and the extra stress is not helpful. However, I think if you were looking at this from a few years down the line you'd support him in getting tested if it's his child.