To allow my DD to follow her ridiculous "life plan"

🙄

Having raised a lad who broke my heart at this age .... and being an educator for over thirty years my advice is don't raise to the bait .Your daughter is without you knowing getting alot of attention out of your reactions to these plans .In my experience no one plans on doing badly in school or in education.There is always a reason..be it a learning difficulty or overwhelm, or immaturity at early stages and child lost footing .It could also be simple fear of failure . Obviously the waters pretty hot at the moment..so id simply switch tact .Be genuinely openly curious.Then in few months when this settles be jointly constructive gently .Look at alternative careers .Hairdressing , bar work , gardening .barista courses .Help her like you'd help a dear friend.I know it's easier said than done but strangely your daughter needs kindness and calmness .After the very torrid storm with my own beautiful boy I discovered underneath a biological clinical depression that was masked for years. All the best .You sound like a caring parent. You'll do great .

You said you explained to her that it is important to try and not to worry about getting things wrong

Now that is exactly the wrong phrasing for the right sentiment. Important to try is giving her the message that your love and "success/happiness" is conditional on her "trying"." Not to worry ...etc" is dismissing her fears instead of talking through what she exactly finds difficult.

It's like saying to someone who is frightened of motorway driving, don't worry IF YOU CRASH and it's important to get out there on that motorway even before you have the skills. It feels like a motorway to her to do the exam - driving on a motorway when she has no idea HOW TO DRIVE.

ND is around twice as high in adopted children. That’s ADHD as well as autism and other related.

It’s a fair question.

Sorry if this has been mentioned already but has she been assessed for any additional needs. She is saying she finda it hard. Have you and school looked into that specifically? Dyslexia, adhd, autism etc are under diagnosed in girls.

'Is she neurodivergent?'

Do you not think she would have mentioned in her post if her daughter was ND?

Why do people jump so quickly to the autism spectrum as a reason for bad behaviour? It's insulting to that particular community, surely?

Used to be bipolar. Now it's ND.

She wouldn’t even get a job in McDonalds. I’m an auditor and deal with lots of retail data. The fact that she thinks McDonalds is open to her as a last resort shows her true colours, complete lack of awareness and a good smudge of self entitlement

THIS. Do you have a support group? This is such a familiar pattern with adopted children, the self sabotage at teenage stage. I've watched three sets of adopted kids in families do this.

It's really tough to navigate, there are no easy solutions, the damage done to these kids before you get them is immense and lies dormant. No one can appreciate the way they can switch into self destruct unless you have seen it. It is not like normal teenage behaviour - no matter how extreme - and I had an extreme bio teenager - I would compare "war stories" with my friends with adopted dc and their lives were so much harder.

Does she have some really extreme learning difficulty but trying to mask it?. I’m struggling to understand how a whole paper can be too hard to even write one line on it.

Both my children have either refused to complete a test or refused to attend school at one time or another. Both are more obviously ND than I realised, and now one has a diagnosis and the other is on the way to having one.

It can feel like you are the only parent going through this and you have failed somehow, when everyone else's children have lots of GCSE's or are planning uni, but I've learned since then that many have struggled along the way or needed a lot of support, and not all have followed the same route at all. People often don't want to admit (or share) what's going on with their teens and it can feel very lonely if yours is going wayward.

I strongly suggest you getting support/therapy for yourself to boost your own coping resources. If you can get her to see someone like a psychologist with ND specialism, or that works a lot with adoptive or teens with difficulties, that would be great, your local random counsellor (sorry counsellors) might not be that helpful.

I've put YABU because I think she has mental health issues and needs counselling. This is a self esteem issue. No kid is 'lazy'. I honestly do not believe that. There's some reason she has turned her back on education.. an inability to focus due to anxiety or adhd? feelings of being an imposter or outsider? What did she experience before the age of 3?
I do think that at the age of 16 you have to let things play out to an extent.
I had a complete breakdown at 16 and left home and was on drugs
I'm now happily married, own my own home, love my job and have 3 beautiful children. But that was a journey I went on
I got called all sorts at 16. Lazy, unmotivated etc I felt hopeless. I couldn't see a place for myself in the world despite having academic parents and a middle class upbringing. I had anxiety issues and suicidal thoughts. But I was told I was 'spoilt' and I internalised that.
The journey for me was leaving home and finding my own confidence.
You say your daughter is confident but teenagers are all front abd trying to form an identity. She probably doesn't dare try and meet your expectations because she feels she wont ever be able to. So she pretends its 'cool' that shes getting one over on everyone. This is deep seated hopelessness and alienation.
The answer is not to brand her as lazy and spoilt. This will just further entrench her in the idea that she is not a useful member of society. That she is 'bad' and has nothing to offer.
She's not going to turn around and say 'oh yes sorry I see, im wasting my opportunities im going to try harder' because she'd have to admit how scared and worthless she feels deep down to herself.
I think the focus needs to be on her mental health and self esteem. This 'friend' she has is currently providing her with self esteem. She feels important and needed and part of a 'plan'.
She needs,this provided in some other way.
She needs to be in counselling. She probably has quite a lot of trauma abd self esteem and attachment issues.. as well as possibly adhd which can go habd in hand with trauma.
Tough love will just alienate her further and reinforce the feeling that she can't be what you want so why even bother to try.

And absolutely contact post adoption support services so she can access the support she needs. Are her younger siblings also adopted?
if she was adopted aged three there will have been significant trauma even if she does not have a conscious memory of it. And given that there will be attachment issues.
She may well be unlikely to do her education etc along conventional expectations and she needs time to work things out. Totally agree that she needs to ideally get a job but the idea of “consequences” in a situation of likely attachment issues is a dangerous path.
you do not want this to become more acrimonious than it needs to be. And she needs to know that the door remains open.

Best tell your daughter that the local supermarket and Mcdonalds wont want her ! You need minimum GCSE'S or at least "functional skills" for all retail and hospitality positions now (unless its your uncles franchise etcetc). Shes 16 and sounds depressed. A large house doesnt mean all her needs are being met or that shes happy in herself sorry OP.

It sounds like she’s having a crisis of identity. She’s got her pre-adopted background (what does she know about this? Has she had any opportunity to connect with her roots - where she is from, etc) and she’s got her post adoption privileged life with her family. And now she’s got the transition between childhood and adulthood to deal with where she’s trying to figure out who she is and what her identity is. She’s trying to figure out where she fits in in society. Is she like her birth family, her adopted family, or something else. It’s a confusing time for her and it makes sense she’s sought out friendships with people who have had a difficult background, they understand what it feels like to not fit in, to feel different to everyone else.

Does she have any role models? I mean people who she can relate to, people who get it, who understand on a personal level, people who have been through the care system and people who have been through adoption themselves - people who have a different identity to the family they were raised in and embrace it in a positive way and have been successful in achieving a good life for themselves.

I’ve only read the updates from OP so sorry if this has already been suggested (it probably has!)

I can't vote because both of your options are too extreme IMO.

I wouldn't be rolling out banners and pom poms to cheerlead the "plan", but I would also not be trying especially hard to prevent it - what's the point? As she says, when she turns 18 you can't stop her from moving in with whoever will have her, and she can apply for whatever she wants as an adult. Also, I do think it's important that children feel we are on their side whatever they choose. That doesn't mean we have to agree with their choices but we should be there with whatever support they need at any time.

OTOH as others have said 2 years can be a long time and since this friend sounds fairly volatile, there's every chance the friendship will blow up/fizzle out by then anyway. Or one of them will get into a relationship so they won't want to live with each other any more. And I expect it isn't really as simple as going to sign on the dole and live a life of partying forever. They expect you to prove your work seeking activity for one thing. If this does ever happen (which is fairly unlikely) then it is unlikely to last long so don't burn any bridges, she will probably come back.

When I was 16 I made all kinds of dubious plans with my best friend and by the time we were 18 we had fallen out and were no longer speaking. And we had been inseperable since we were 11. I think 16yos have this idea that they are all grown up and can do anything but there is quite a lot of maturing which happens over the next 2/3/5+ years and they realise fairly quickly that some of their ideas at 16 were a bit silly and unrealistic anyway.

I would probably just try to be neutral about the idea, or only emphasise the aspects of it that sound nice (e.g. moving into a shared house with friends) and maybe have some convos or do some things together (e.g. learning to cook/make a budget "for when you move to your house share") but don't stop suggesting alternatives just in case something sparks an interest. I don't personally think it's helpful to decide over a child's head (esp one as old as 16) that a set course of action is "better" or invest too much in trying to persuade them of anything - it's really her choice to make. I think you could tell her things like reasons why you might personally choose a different option, or a real experience or observation you/a friend/etc has had, but you shouldn't presume that she ought to feel the same way or attach a kind of moral judgement to either choice. That kind of thing adds a lot of pressure and is just asking for a reactance kind of response (where she wants to kick back and do the opposite).

Autonomy, support and curiosity tends to be my approach.

Not in your position just yet but both my kids have been told you are supported to study or you work

DS has been told that too…

Please seek some specialist advice. Your DD sounds EXACTLY like my adopted cousin who, despite being brought up in a loving home, acted out her early traumas by being delinquent and running away at 16.
Do NOT blame yourself for her behaviour and potty ideas. You and she need help before she gets in deep trouble.

I wouldn’t be driving her to London… if it’s all there for the taking she can save and get herself there?

Not in your position just yet but both my kids have been told you are supported to study or you work. She needs to be forced into that sooner rather than later so she understands how fucking hard a McDonald’s shift is, even if they would employ her

Seconding @JennieTheZebra . Given her background there is going to be a whole lot more going on here than laziness, and her attitude is likely clouded by a low confidence and a lack of self worth.

My DD is 17, ND, similarly naive/immature and has had some issues remaining in education - but has benefitted hugely from seeing a clinical psychologist over the past year. Much of the wisdom she has taken on board from the therapist is the same stuff DH and I have been telling her for years, but obviously she would not listen to us.

Do you know anything about the circumstances of her birth mother OP? Particularly during pregnancy? I don’t want to make any wild speculation but I did wonder if perhaps your daughter may have been exposed to excessive alcohol consumption while in utero. Many kids that are can really struggle with simple aspects of life, particularly in educational settings and moving on to independent living as an adult.

I met a guy at university with this mentality. He achieved well at school, read Philosophy at Oxford but had funny ideas about living off the state and had some kind of Romantic vision of it. He shoplifted and all sorts as he “did not believe in property”.

He was non-contact with his family due to their extreme religious views. Like your daughter he had grown up without any money worries.

He ended up in a very controlling relationship and became an absolute shell of himself. The girlfriend was a “normal” person with a job in the City. She held the purse strings and he just bumbled about in her flat. (Prior to her he had been illegally-subletting a council flat). When he eventually tried to get his life back together she was horrid about it and road blocked his attempts.

I would take the advice about therapy seriously. It sounds like your daughter has unresolved or emerging trauma and is trying to understand the picture of herself better.

Finally, I saw your suggestion of her getting a job in the supermarket, this would be your call. My parents made me work a Christmas at M&S. I really thought it beneath me before I started, but it did wonders for my confidence and I actually met some lovely people working there and the money was all “surplus” (ie not rent or food etc) so I had a very positive earning/saving experience, which it sounds like your daughter could use. It’s also pretty damn boring, so hopefully it will inspire her to find something more interesting!