DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

What an arse. Presumably DSS’s mum did wake ups with him for first few years.

Id be asking him how many wake ups he plans to do with 50/50 custody and paying CMS.

There are more red flag 🚩 with this post. All about what HE WANTS isn’t it ?

You're right, my ex used to pull this tit for tat shit, with my DC and his. My SS came close to burning the house down several times, couldn't turn a thing off ever. When l finally had the audacity to complain, my 'D'H started following my DS round the house like a stalker, just waiting for him to leave one light on, then make the most triumphant big deal of it. He's an ex for a reason.

He wanted an unpaid nanny for his son, and found one in you. Your posts about his words have given me the willies big time - he’s gaslighting you, a woman who has no outside support, into thinking you’re not good enough at being a stepmum. He’s abusive.

Run before you you’re in a situation where you’re showing a girl that this is the way a man treats a woman.

Also to point out the obvious - getting up with a 4yo on a morning is a whole other realm to getting up with a newborn in the night!

This is what I see. He is actively looking forward to seeing you in a painfully hard situation.

My exh was a bit like this - he’d take a sort of pleasure in it. It started way before children with little things like enjoying watching me struggle with small fiddly or physical tasks, but it never really clicked in my mind how odd and awful this was.

If you get on well with dss mum, then you could probably continue a relationship with him, via her.

Please start as you mean to go on. Make it clear that he will need to shape up, or ship out.

“Just” a twisted sense of humour or getting his own back? To his pregnant wife?

Your bar is so low a snake couldn’t limbo under it.

Get away from this arsehole.

I think you misread. Her update says that she DOES want the baby and will be keeping it.

Hi OP, not demeaning your feelings or ignoring anything your DH said to you, but are you sure he is not just winding you up because of what happened when he had to take full care of his son because you were unwell? He may have been hurt because to him it may have seemed like a rejection of his son. I don't know if he had his son full time from when DSS was very first born and he still has full care of him, and his Mother only has limited access, but it seems if your DH doesn't, then he must have him for some significant time, if you used to wake up with them and stay with them all day as you said. You say that happened until you became very unwell and you were signed off sick for 6 months. I'm trying to play Devil's Advocate here so that you can look at all options and establish if DH really meant what he said, before you make any serious long term decisions. He may, in his eyes, just be getting his own back by saying this and actually he has absolutely no intention of leaving all the childcare to you. Have you asked DH to discuss it further so you can gauge whether it's just his twisted sense of humour, or if he actually means what he said. Please speak to DH and make sure of his true intentions before any more rash and/or hurtful things are said that cannot be unsaid and any long term decisions are made in possible haste.

I saw your update. If you don't want to have this baby, then book a termination and tell him you had a miscarriage. Then quietly start looking for a flat - get that all signed up - pack your stuff and move out. I'd leave a note if you think he might be "difficult". In fact, that word difficult really concerns me. How would he be difficult? I am really concerned for you but your job is your lifeline to get out.

Have you actually talked to him about what he said? Is he saying that because you plan to breastfeed? Has he got those expectations because of his previous partner? Just tell him straight that the child will be 50% his responsibility so you expect him to do his share and that whatever has happened with DSS is irrelevant as he had his own two parents to share his care. If he's not normally a total twat then at least talk to him before deciding to leave, some people are just clueless!

As a stepmum and a mum I can see with sides. Whilst you had absolutely zero obligation to do early mornings with dss I think it would have been nice to have made a bit of an effort on it regardless of what your dh was doing.

However he is a massive bellend for his current statement.

Sorry but I'd be getting a termination and a divorce. Nobody much would think this was okay. Just because he had a child - his child - and he got up for him doesn't mean that he gets to check out from providing any care to a child you had together. I am not meaning to sound mean but you still sound young and maybe still a bit naïve. I think he chose you for that reason so he could make you do some of the donkey work of childcare rather than kicking back and telling him to parent his own child.

I have been married for over 30 years and I wouldn't for a moment, except in an emergency, have considered getting up for early morning wake ups for a stepchild (if I had one). In fact, when my own sons were four year olds they knew perfectly well that they weren't to come and pry mummy's eyes open to read them a story before 8 am.

As a previous poster said there was a reason why he was single and older with a 4 year old in tow. As another previous poster also said your husband knows perfectly well that care for a new-born is completely different than care for a four year old and there is no valid reason to make you take full responsibility for the new-born as “punishment” for stopping doing wakeups for your stepson after you had a medical episode. My husband shared the care with me for our children as babies when they were waking through the night and even then it was hard. (I actually fell asleep on the nursery floor and woke up to find the baby had nodded off under his activity gym.)

To be fair, I don't think most people do love stepchildren the same - my husband has a warm friendly relationship with both his step-parents whom he cares for, likes and respects - but he doesn't love them like parents. And neither has tried to be his parent. My husband says he thinks of his stepfather in the way you'd think of a favourite uncle and he's been in his life for over 40 years. But what your husband said was very unkind.

@Madferrrit Op if you ever want a MN handhold there are those of us on here who have left with a bump/baby in tow. It's possible. Even if he makes it difficult. But get advice and do it quietly, safely and sooner rather than once your baby is here. Your not alone x

To put not too fine a point on it, bollocks. She offered, he turned her down.

I know if I try to leave him he’ll make things really difficult for me. I don’t even know how I would

This is really worrying OP. Along with the other stuff. And his actions not matching his words.

You need to reframe this. He doesn't get to opt out of 'helping' with the baby because his role is not to 'help' but to be her dad and look after her.

If he isn't going to do that, you should leave him. I really mean that. He's showing you who he is.

Incidentally, why did his first marriage or relationship with DSS' mum break down?

He sounds like a fucking monster

Unfortunately op he is very unlikely to change, in my experience ( ivf, he wanted, but wouldn’t help with baby/child). Yours won’t change snd you’ll have done tough days ahead. I really wish you well - you’ve done everything out of love and it’s bring chucked back st you

Having a baby with him does not mean you are stuck with him. I promise.

You’re going to get a shock?! I’d be telling him he’s going to get a shock when you dump him!

Being a parent doesn’t work like that pal😂 the ridiculousness of some people is off the scale.

op, do not put up with this, you’ll end up resentful, bitter and really disliking him.

Oh sweetheart. I’m sorry. He is not a nice man. Your DSS has been so lucky to have you. Honestly, leave the bastard. I bet if you sit down and honestly think about it there’s a lot of stuff like this that’s been going on since the beginning. You’re not his servant, his house keeper or his nanny. You’re supposed to be his partner, and he’s supposed to be on your side.

But you are stuck with the baby. Think again and start planing your future.
Or accept that you have the sole responsible for 2 children.

I don't think this is about him not wanting to parent etc; I think he is telling you that he is looking forward to seeing you struggle.

There's something wrong with him and you need to protect yourself and your baby.