DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

I suspect your downturn in mental health you mention was caused by him. You doubt yourself unnecessarily and need to know and believe you are right in your opinions. Everyone here agrees with you. Take strength from that. It’s not easy when you know they will make it difficult if you leave. I had this and at the time told my solicitor mine would try to take my money and children. As we spoke paperwork arrived to do just that so I understand. But I wish I had left sooner as he broke me emotionally once I told him I knew what he was up to in secret - burner phone etc. So, you need to consider that. Hold onto your job - that’s the most important thing as he will try to make it difficult to do that - I have had my career compromised by men who have made my life hard and I’ve had to keep going at work. The fact that you know he will make it difficult to leave says it all. So either leave soon or pull back emotionally and try to regain your agency within your situation and don’t feel obliged to do anything he asks and don’t listen to him as he has bad intentions and is always wrong in his attitude to you - be confident in that. You don’t need to argue with him on that - keep him sweet but at an emotional distance and make sure you do exactly as YOU want as it will be correct and in your and your child’s best interests.

HRTFT but I read @Madferrrit posts.

Concerning that in addition to sounding a bit Trumpian (“I’m the best step parent there’s ever been, other people just don’t love ALL kids like I do”) you actually say that he will make your life hard if you leave him. That’s really concerning. On its own it makes me wonder if you’re actually safe, and it makes me say LTB because if you are not free to leave you are in an abusive relationship, regardless of anything else on top.

As you get on well with DSS mum, can you approach her and ask for some background on her split and co-parenting experience with your OH? She may well see the benefit of allowing you and DSS to maintain a relationship even if you leave his waste of space dickhead dad.

Also please take legal advice. But as pp have said, your life will almost certainly be easier if you leave him before the baby is born. He seems one of those who collects children as trophies, displays of virility and status symbols, and quite possibly doesn’t love his son- hence why he felt the same about his step kid (who he presumably has no relationship with now). He certainly doesn’t seem to see actual parenting as anything to do with him, or of benefit to the baby as well as to him!

He sounds deeply unpleasant.

It is awful that he is plotting to leave you to struggle with tiredness and feel some sort of smug retribution when you do.

You are doing all the physical work of being pregnant with his child, and this baby will only get here through your physical endeavours. Pregnancy and labour require huge sacrifice on your part, he should be in awe of you and wanting to pick up the slack so that you can rest and recover. Instead he's planning for you to feel overwhelmed and isolated and unsupported.

What a git.

I scoured your posts to see how far along you were, I was sort of hoping it was early enough to have a less traumatic termination but I read gender scan so know you must be at least 16 weeks along…

That may seem callous but I have the best intentions. You are still very young and you definitely married exceptionally young in this day and age. Nothing wrong with this at all, if you make a good decision and marry the right person.

His comments were awful. You have gone above and beyond for DSS by the sounds of things which is lovely, if only more stepparents were like you. The fact he doesn’t see this because you didn’t get up early with him every day and, shock horror, made your DH parent his own son is clearly ridiculous.

I’d be considering separating. He’s already telling you who he is and what he will be like as a parent. He’s essentially saying you will be a single mum. And you wonder why he split with his ex…

That may be true. But he clearly doesn’t want to be a father / deal with actual parental responsibility!

leaving is so much easier whilst you’re still pregnant. So get out now.

I think I remember this. You’ve posted before about him and DSS haven’t you? I can’t remember what the thread was about now, but I remember he said that he’d been stepdad to a woman with a newborn and you were questioning whether someone can really call themselves a stepparent when they’re only in a child’s life for a short time. Surely they’re just the boyfriend/girlfriend of the parent and nothing to the child. You’d have to actually have some part in raising them and have a longstanding relationship with the child to call yourself a stepparent. It seemed like an odd claim to make.
I do remember he was questioning your commitment as a stepparent and criticising you for not doing enough or loving your DSS enough. At least I think it was you.
I think you sound like a very committed stepparent actually. And your DSS clearly loves you and has a lovely bond with you.
Your “D”H is an asshole. But you already know that. He is criticising you for your step parenting when you have gone over and above. He is threatening to use the baby you have both created as some sort of point scoring exercise to teach you a lesson for…what? Not parenting HIS DS? You offered to get up early with him on Sundays and he said no. It isn’t your job to parent. The child has two parents. He doesn’t need three parents!

Your DH did his parenting 50% of the time (DSS was with his mum the other 50%). So surely your DH acknowledges that he put in 50% of the effort for his other child, so why not this new baby? Why would he do 50% of the effort for his older child but leave 100% of the effort for his new child to you? That doesn’t even make sense. And yet he is threatening to do this almost in a mocking way. Mocking how tired you’re going to be while he does what? Sits back and laughs?! Never mind the fact your body will have been through a physically traumatising event and will need time to recover. What is he proposing? That he has lie ins while you struggle through and all the while he’ll say “told you!” as some sort of payback for some resentment he has conjured up.

He doesn’t sound fit to be a father. Or a husband. Babies aren’t pawns in a point scoring exercise.

Genuinely, I thought this last time you posted, and I still think this now: you should make your plans to leave this awful man. He’s not fit to lick your boots. Being a single parent would be better than this. Sounds like you’ll be doing most of the work anyway. At least you won’t have someone standing over you mocking your exhaustion and telling you things payback for not doing enough as a stepparent. God he sounds absolutely awful!!!

I’m a stepmum and when DSC were younger I absolutely was not responsible for wake ups!!! They’re early teens now and I’m a natural early bird so sometimes I happen to be up when they are and we have hot drinks together (they now make mine 😎) on the weekend and chat. But in no way am I up so DH can have a lie in and DSC now sort own breakfasts and showers etc anyway so there are no ‘parenting jobs’ to do first thing.

this is shocking OP and I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

Your husband is an awful human being.

You need to have another talk and make it clear that as the baby is 50% his and he very much wanted another child, he can’t just refuse to help with her.

You sound vulnerable in some ways but strong in others. You have a good job and formed a great relationship with your stepson. Use your strength to stand up for yourself and for your baby daughter. She deserves to have an involved Dad.

He should have been the one to get up every morning he had his son- which was only 50%. You shouldn't have had to do any. Even though you dearly love DSS, he is only there because your DH is his dad, not you
It's absolutely not the same thing at all when you have a child together with him. If he's telling you now he won't pull his weight and truly means it then I would leave.
He wouldn't be "helping" you take care of the baby. It's HIS baby, he's not helping YOU at all, the baby needs care.

omfg I can’t believe what I’ve just read.

Please get rid of him. I hope you find the strength to. Because that’s just the first of the many manipulative / gaslighty things he will say to you.
I bet one of the near future comments will be, “You don’t care about DSS anymore.” especially if the poor little man has to do something for DSS himself while you’re recovering from having a baby and he will probably keep trotting that line out more and more. Also while neglecting his second child, as a lot of men seem to do when they have a child with someone else.

You and your baby deserve better. ❤️

This! 9ts HIS SON just as much as his other one is so yes he needa to share all the qork with you.
Edited because I just saw your update you had Dss 50% of the time. You H is an absolute piss taker!

No because you did everything else.
Will youe husband be doing everything else with the new baby? I doubt it.

Then you’re a mug

If he wanted this baby so much do you have the strength and equal position in the relationship to read him the riot act and say "you wanted this child with me and we are having it together - DSS is lovely and I love him BUT he is a child you had with someone else, not with me and I also only came into his life when he was 4 years old. With my child it is your job to be my partner and an equal parent, you do not get to default out of parenting just becuase you've had a child before, and this is what I need from you (talk to friends and work out what you think are reasonable expectations given your respective working hours, are you likely to breastfeed, etc."

I love my DH and decided to stay with him but if I was a single parent:

I could choose how to bring up my child.
Put him in bed with me when he wakes do we both get to sleep.
Go to bed as soon as he does so I get to sleep too if I need it.
I could eat my main meal with my child instead of cooking for child and later for us.

My DC loves his father, my DH and he is great with him. But he doesn't do that much actual care and its easier when he's not around. So being a single parent isn't an easy option but it might be a better one for you..

He’s harboured this resentment for years. It sounds like he got you pregnant to teach you a lesson and will enjoy watching you struggle. It gave me goosebumps.

I’d literally run a country mile before having a child with this man. I’d leave now, it will be very difficult once the baby is here.

He sounds despicable.

Oh, he did really really want a baby He just didn’t intend to look after it. That’s your job.

Unfortunately, given all the information you have provided, your husband is a cunt.

When are you leaving?

Really worrying OP. Prepare to be doing all the work for your baby. I bet he didn't mention any of this before you got pregnant.
Tbh plenty of women do the lion's share anyway, but I think the relish with which he told you you were going be tired etc is just awful, especially when you were having a nice night talking about happily about the baby. Like he enjoyed bringing you down.
I'm sure you already know that it's common for domestic abuse to start when a woman is pregnant, and then escalate. Abusive men want the babies because they see it as trapping you, but they don't want to do the work.

What a nasty bastard OP - I read some things on here but to hold this against you and use it at your most vulnerable time - he is an utter scumbag.

Lots of people may want a cute puppy to put in a handbag and carry around like a doll does not mean they want to feed it or walk it nor pick up the mess and take it to the vet

why on earth do people assume 'but he said he really really wants a baby' actually means anything

The resentment is there, if it's not the baby it's you. You can't come back from resentment. Please start making plans

"Thanks for giving me fair warning that I'm going to be a single parent. So I'm off to actually be one, where I'll only have one child to raise instead of one and a man-baby. See ya!"

Excellent spotting and yup, as expected, plenty of other abusive behaviour.

OP, as both your marriage and pregnancy seem to be extremely recent, you really should give very serious thought to getting rid of both. Shackling yourself to a selfish abuser would be a very bad life choice for yourself.

He wanted a baby but doesn't want to raise her as an equal parent. I'm sure he has been planning to tell you (gleefully) he won't be doing anything during the night or in the mornings once you were pregnant. Did he do any night feeds with his DS?

You've said you have a well paid job so you are in a better position than most to leave. Anything else is going to breed resentment and isn't going to be a good atmosphere for your baby. You'll be doing it all anyway.

He mentioned an exes baby, so does he still see that child as he views other people's children as important as his own? (Well, the baby girl isn't as important even though she is his own, but you get my point).