DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

Agree with @VikingsandDragons

There is something off here regardless of the fact he's a lazy fucker who doesn't want to do the drudgery of parenting. Do you know why his previous relationships ended?

I agree with your last sentence, the OPs post has given me horrible vibes

Firstly it's wierd to call yourself a step dad in a short term relationship with someone in your early 20s.

Secondly, he clearly doesn't treat all kids the same because he's going to treat his second differently to his first. He's weaponising his child against his partner/it's mother.

He makes me really uneasy from your descriptions, and I can't 100% work out why yet.

Yeah my STBXH was like this too. Things like he’d position himself in the kitchen to make it harder for me to get past or put his feet up and not take them down when I was trying to get past so I’d have to climb over them. Or he’d leave me to get the dinner ready and just start getting in the way just as I was dishing up and needed to concentrate. Some of you might think that’s being paranoid and it wasn’t deliberate but when it’s part of a pattern of controlling and manipulating behaviour then you know.

It’s hard to realise they’re doing it on purpose for a long time because your mind just doesn’t work in that way. I just wouldn’t even think about making life harder for people out of spite. But I’ve seen enough manipulators now and how they operate to know it’s a thing.

OP I think your DH did want a child but for two reasons: one because it’s an ego boost to have a mini me. And another because it makes you more dependent on him and he can manipulate you more.

Id be curious about why his last relationship broke down. She might not have told you - there’s no point as people always disbelieve this kind of thing - but I bet he was similar towards her.

He has sat on this all this time, keep score then chucked it in your face.
What a twat. There is no way I could be with someone like that. You will be at your most vulnerable and he has declared hes going to enjoy watching you suffer.
Makes my skin crawl

Wow isn't he lovely.. NOT. Your DSS was not and is not your responsibility to parent although living together means that you will automatically provide some love, care and support the heavy lifting should sit with his actual parents (and I say this as a parent who lives with a guy who is a very involved STEP-dad but not an actual Dad). As the new baby is your joint child he should act as a father to him and a support to you. I'd be losing my shit over this one!

I'm very sorry OP, he's got you where he wants you and knows it. He's punitive, vindictive and mean. He's not going to revert to the person you thought he was, men like this only go in one direction.

Here's a taste of your life ahead:

You're tired, sore and baby won't stop crying. You want 10 minutes just to shower and ask him to watch the her. He says no, "I watched her when you showered last Wednesday"

You're buzzing around like a blue arsed fly getting kids ready for school. He has the day off, made himself a nice cooked breakfast - you get nothing (of course he didn't even offer) you make the kids cereal before dashing out.

Your nose is dripping with a cold, the kids have had D&V. His lordship is watching TV, barely looks up and asks what's for dinner and starts dropping hints that you're 'letting yourself go' and it has been ages since you've touched his penis had quality time together.

These, btw are real-life examples from women (yes, plural) I know who ended up with men like yours. You are lucky in that you still have options, even if you go ahead with the pregnancy, you do not need to be under the same roof and exist as his fuckable domestic appliance.

Your daughter will learn about relationships from you, if you set the bar this low for her, don't be surprised if she perpetuates the cycle.

But the man throws them bones it seems so it is 'worth' it, why? I will never understand

What a crock!

Sorry if I missed it, but where did you say he wanted 5050 so he wouldnt pay CM? Where is his mother (dss)?

Not sure I saw that. And Why is it always "he only wants them so he doesnt have to pay cm"? Is it not possible that he actually wanted to have his child with him? It sounds like the other side of "she wanted the dc more than him to get cm"

Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Secondly I cannot believe you didnt do any of the night waking or early rising for a young child in your house where you were part of the family. I'd be pretty annoyed as a parent with a step who stepped back so far. There should not have been that many, or gone on for long as he was already 4. He was going through a parental break up and it just feels wrong. I dont expect you to be the default parent in the house, but you're more than just an adult in his life.

My ex said that to me when I was six months pregnant and he never got up during the nights or early mornings. He saw me very sick with pnd and just shrugged.

It was one of the many reasons that we broke up. I doubt he would ever have done anything with DS.

I don't get this with some men. My DF was really hands on and he wanted to spend as much time with me as he could.

Being a mum and a step mum IS different. He already has a mum. You done the right thing at the time.

Your husband is an arsehole.

If he really wanted a baby then he should be willing to do everything having a baby entails.

A baby is not a toy.

He is showing you who he really is. Listen carefully,

The man is a pig, why you'd think it was a good idea to marry and have a child with a man who would make it very difficult for you to leave, i dont understand. I doubt you have any intention of leaving him so really your only options are to accept you'll be doing all the parenting and raising your daughter in a misogynistic household, or try and talk to him and explain he may well end up divorded again if he doesnt change his attitude.

A child is the responsibility of both parents.

Please keep in mind that while you are still pregnant you can leave and move to live anywhere you want to. The other side of the world, if you like. If you try to move after your baby is born, he will take steps to prevent you moving away, so he can seek 50/50 again and avoid paying maintenance. He's a vindictive prick and will be a terrible parent to your baby. He has 50/50 for your DSS but wanted you to do half of the mornings, and they weren't even early. He's a lazy, abusive cunt.

He’s an arsehole and if he’s not already making your life miserable, he’s looking forward to you being miserable when your baby is born. I’m sorry.
leave now before you’re trying to do it while exhausted and post baby when hormones will be going wild.
gutted for you that he’s such a twat.

This seems to be a trend on all social media currently. Women complain about the awful treatment by their partners and then ignore any advice and defend the relationship.

I agree with other comments. Your husband wanted 50/50 with his son's Mum, so he wouldn't have to pay child maintenance. When he meet you, I think his expectation were for you to be doing the lions-share on the parenting of his son. You have been a fantastic step-Mum involving yourself in your step-son's life but as your counsellor said, being there as an additional loving adult. You aren't your step-son's parent, it isn't your responsibility to parent him. Your husband is now saying you don't treat his son as your own and that you'll be doing the night feeds for your unborn daughter solo. Why? Because he's punishing you, for him having to parent his son, and the fact his plan for you to do the majority of the parenting, spectacularly backfired.

He's a nasty, vindictive man. I suspect that he did very little parenting of his son, when he was with his Mum. I'd bet my bottom dollar, it's one of the reasons why their relationship broke down. If you stay with your husband, expect to be solo parenting your daughter, with little to no help from your husband. He's not a good Dad or husband.

What an asshole. You’d be better off without him op.

What a wonderful, loving, caring, devoted father your baby is going to have. Not! I would rather be a single mum and go it alone than put up with a cretin like this.

No you weren't wrong but clearly has has been harbouring a grudge all these years and it's payback time. What a horror of a guy!!!!

He wanted 50/50 with his son. He’d want possibly take the little girl away too on a 50/50 basis. He would be able to do this through court.

I'd point out that DSS isn't yours. This baby is both of yours. That is the harsh fact that he obviously doesn't like. Why wouldn't anyone look after their own child..
I say as someone who did all of the night wakings! (I breastfed and didn't need DH to wake too, other than the beginning to help with changing).

You're not being unreasonable to be anxious or to want him to help you with his child when it is born.