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Original poster

DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

380 replies

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 20:01

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 07/01/2026 20:42

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 20:04

Was I wrong not to do early morning with DSS?

NO!!! And I say this as someone who did when my DSS was small.

your husband is an arsehole.

pimplebum · 07/01/2026 20:42

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 20:04

Was I wrong not to do early morning with DSS?

no you did a lovely thing and mucked in and loved the little fella .

Sadly your OH thinks this is “ Your” baby and is being a total dick

id rethink the relationship on the basis of his revelation that he plans on not being a father or supportive husband

Rhaidimiddim · 07/01/2026 20:41

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 20:30

I love DSS to pieces. I’ve always said I don’t want him to feel different to any children we had/have. I made him feel included when we told him he was going to have a baby sister. He was really excited. I would do anything for him and he knows this. His mum knows this too. Me and his mum get on well.

For him to weaponise that I didn’t get up with him or dint know what real love for a child is breaks my heart. I’d be more sad about losing DSS from my life if it came to that.

It is a shame you had to wait until you were pregnant to find out just how deeply he resents you and your failures to love his son sufficiently. I couldn't get over that.

GreyBeeplus3 · 07/01/2026 20:41

He married you to look after his boy
You were younger, mallable and with a obviously loving kind nature
But there were things he still ended up having to do
Tough cheddar and titty
What does he want, a medal?
I think you should work out some sort of exit for baby and yourself
You'd be better off away from this slack insensitive oaf

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/01/2026 20:40

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 07/01/2026 20:04

What an idiot!
he is DSS parent and your DCs parent…. Therefore needs to parent both.

dss is not your child and not your direct responsibility.

This op. He’s the parent of both kids, he needs to parent both. Your dss is his responsibility not yours. Ffs this man is a lazy POS - why are you with him again?

BlueMum16 · 07/01/2026 20:39

He's an arse.

Tell him his choices are:

parent 50:50 while you are together and work as a team to give your DC a lovely life together with your DSS
Or
Lose you forever and still parent 50% of time.

shhblackbag · 07/01/2026 20:39

gamerchick · 07/01/2026 20:35

OP mull over it as much as you want. While you fixate on this waking up early thing, something your own therapist has told you, you weren't responsible for and you've repeatedly brought up on this thread. You're not going to get any further forward.

Your step son was not your responsibility when it came to getting up in the morning. Until that sinks in there's not really much more anyone can say.

Your husband has done a number on you. He's mashed your head enough to need a therapist in the first place. You need to get rid of him or not let him mess with your head

Yes, this. Get out of there.

shhblackbag · 07/01/2026 20:38

He doesn't sound very bright.

bigboykitty · 07/01/2026 20:36

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 20:04

Was I wrong not to do early morning with DSS?

You were not wrong - that was his child. I would leave him now. He sounds really nasty. Has it not dawned on him that you're having HIS baby?

ERthree · 07/01/2026 20:36

Please leave now, he won;t get any better. He wanted a nursemaid for his son and you filled the role.

Ihavelostthegame · 07/01/2026 20:35

Bobiverse · 07/01/2026 20:28

Are you taking anything on board that’s been said to you? Anything at all?

Because this man isn’t a good man. He isn’t a good father. And he is being really open about that with you. He has outright told you that you’re on your own, but he’ll still expect sex and cooking and cleaning.

Get out.

Show quote history

Err who the hell are you to tell the OP because her WANTED child’s father is a prick she should abort the baby?
She can leave the relationship (and I agree she should) without having to also choose to end the pregnancy. And telling her she isn’t taking on board what You think she should do because she doesn’t want to have an abortion is just cruel and utterly pointless.

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 07/01/2026 20:35

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 20:01

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

God, what an arsehole!!!
So he's going to use your unborn child to 'teach you a lesson'?!
You need to have a very serious talk with him right now. If he won't listen and see what a complete dick he's being then you need to leave now.
In all seriousness, this is a very controlling and narcissistic trait.....

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 07/01/2026 20:35

Madferrrit · 07/01/2026 20:04

Was I wrong not to do early morning with DSS?

No

gamerchick · 07/01/2026 20:35

OP mull over it as much as you want. While you fixate on this waking up early thing, something your own therapist has told you, you weren't responsible for and you've repeatedly brought up on this thread. You're not going to get any further forward.

Your step son was not your responsibility when it came to getting up in the morning. Until that sinks in there's not really much more anyone can say.

Your husband has done a number on you. He's mashed your head enough to need a therapist in the first place. You need to get rid of him or not let him mess with your head

SunMoonandChocolate · 07/01/2026 20:35

You obviously really want your baby OP, but PLEASE, don't stay with this man, he is going to make your life miserable, and by the sound of it, already resents YOUR child. Walk away while there's still time.

AngelinaFibres · 07/01/2026 20:35

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 07/01/2026 20:02

he says that and you’re staying with him?

This. Its probably why his first marriage ended too.

BandedSnail · 07/01/2026 20:35

It sounds like he wants you to be tired and struggling.

He doesn't even like you.

ProfMummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 07/01/2026 20:34

Dollyfloss · 07/01/2026 20:34

Your husband is nasty. I read your post out to my husband and he was shocked, saying your husband seems to be trying to punish you now

I read it to my DH too and he laughed and said “wow, what a dick”. He loves it when I read stuff like this to him off MN because it makes him feel like a King Amongst Men.

It’s not just the fact he’s trying to punish you OP - it’s the fact he knows he’s got you exactly where he wants you. You’re pregnant and vulnerable and he’s choosing this moment (which should be a lovely time) to let you know how much of a cunt he is because he thinks there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s as though he’ll be enjoying your angst about this - when he should be making everything as stress free as possible
for you.

He is not a good man.

It’s really cruel behaviour.

All of this, with bells on.

WaltzingWaters · 07/01/2026 20:34

He sounds like a complete and utter twat. You sound like an amazing step mum.

babyproblems · 07/01/2026 20:34

You sound like you’ve been an excellent step mum and your husband is a twat.

He’s absolutely taken you for granted - and your efforts with his son! I would do what you have done; I don’t understand how other step mums can keep such a distance as we see often on threads on mn. However.. I’d be expecting more from your DH by a mile.

seeing as you’re about to have a baby, I think rather than run, at this point it is worth trying couple counselling to discuss parenting together the two children and thrash out what he’s been saying… obviously he has to equally parent your child that’s that and he needs to step up.

best of luck and congratulations on your baby! X

MadamCholetsbonnet · 07/01/2026 20:34

I really hope you leave him before the baby is born.

If you don’t, you will regret it. 💐

Bobiverse · 07/01/2026 20:34

This is going to be one of those totally pointless threads where the OP completely ignores the situation she is in, and ends up miserable and stuck with multiple kids and shitty husband.

Dollyfloss · 07/01/2026 20:34

Your husband is nasty. I read your post out to my husband and he was shocked, saying your husband seems to be trying to punish you now

I read it to my DH too and he laughed and said “wow, what a dick”. He loves it when I read stuff like this to him off MN because it makes him feel like a King Amongst Men.

It’s not just the fact he’s trying to punish you OP - it’s the fact he knows he’s got you exactly where he wants you. You’re pregnant and vulnerable and he’s choosing this moment (which should be a lovely time) to let you know how much of a cunt he is because he thinks there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s as though he’ll be enjoying your angst about this - when he should be making everything as stress free as possible
for you.

He is not a good man.

It’s really cruel behaviour.

Barney16 · 07/01/2026 20:33

Higglea · 07/01/2026 20:03

Your DH is a waste of space

This. I have this vision of the tosser smirking as he said it.

PinkyFlamingo · 07/01/2026 20:33

Seriously why are you having a baby with this atsehole?

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