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AIBU?

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Original poster

Young nanny should be energetic, no?

169 replies

OnePoisedLilacEagle · 07/01/2026 19:07

We recently hired a part time nanny for our DD who is four. She's a young woman, early 20s, good references, experienced, pleasant enough. She looks after DD three days a week. I usually work from the office those days but have occasionally worked from home so I have some insight into what's happening.

Issue is she has the energy of someone running on 2% battery at all times. She's extremely lethargic. Park time consists mostly of her sitting while DD runs around like an overly caffeinated squirrel. Activities are very much the "observe from a distance" kind. Even crafting is mostly her handing supplies and letting DD get on with it while she scrolls on her phone. When I suggested maybe playing a game outside, she smiled and said she prefers to "supervise calmly" rather than get involved unless needed.

Nothing is unsafe. But it is very passive. What also worries me is the lifestyle mismatch. She's a very unhealthy eater. Her lunches are usually instant noodles, energy drinks, or crisps sometimes all in the same sitting. DD has now started asking if she can have "nanny lunch" and I'm dying inside a bit. I've never commented on what she eats, but it does seem to reflect her general low energy approach to everything.

DD is absolutely climbing the walls by the time we get home, like she's been storing up chaos all day. It feels like I'm paying for someone who seems to think engagement is an optional extra.
I expected someone young doing childcare, even part time, to be a bit more energetic and involved. I don't want a nanny doing a bootcamp workout in the playground, but a pulse above "mild hibernation mode" would be nice.

AIBU to think her age and being hired specifically for childcare should equal at least some actual interaction and enthusiasm? Is it time to have words with her about expectations? I am comfortable having the conversation but also don't want to be unrealistic about what is expected of a nanny, as I've never had one before.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnePoisedLilacEagle · 08/01/2026 19:50

suburberphobe · 08/01/2026 18:48

Sadly, everyone I pass in the street on the way to the supermarket is on their mobile nowadays.

It's sad and pathetic.

It's interesting to hear the perspectives on phone use. I seriously think it's more of a generational thing rather than she's addicted to her phone. I occasionally use my phone at work (office job) but younger colleagues will pull it out midway through a conversation. I would never do that, as I find it quite rude!

OP posts:
Mydadsbirthday · 08/01/2026 19:44

she sounds shit OP, glad you’re getting rid.

I’d be giving really clear feedback to the agency as well. Totally unacceptable and sadly just poor standards everywhere at the moment.

you sound like a great parent by the way.

independentfriend · 08/01/2026 19:44

If you weren't, I'd be clear with the next person what it's ok for them to cook in your kitchen. Noodles / crisps all sound like bland flavoured things not needing a lot of cooking as if she's not sure what she's allowed to use in your kitchen but thinks the kettle is ok.

Also there should be some flexibility for her to have a break (and phone her GP / order her groceries / read her email etc) while your child is having a nap / rest. There's a difference between this and ignoring/ not engaging with the child all the time. And like all employees she's entitled to breaks.

Original poster
OnePoisedLilacEagle · 08/01/2026 19:43

Sodthesystem · 08/01/2026 18:47

Sounds like she'd be a better fit for older kids.
I'd let the agency know that and give her her notice.

You need someone more enthusiastic with younger ones.

Yes, I think that's it exactly. She isn't a "bad" person, she just doesn't seem to understand the level of engagement required for a young child. I think she would actually do well with older children.

OP posts:
Kerensa70 · 08/01/2026 19:06

This, absolutely. Get her off her phone. What other job would allow this. EYS teacher here so I feel strongly about this. She’s not engaging at all and this is so detrimental to your daughter.

Mayana1 · 08/01/2026 19:03

OnePoisedLilacEagle · 07/01/2026 19:07

We recently hired a part time nanny for our DD who is four. She's a young woman, early 20s, good references, experienced, pleasant enough. She looks after DD three days a week. I usually work from the office those days but have occasionally worked from home so I have some insight into what's happening.

Issue is she has the energy of someone running on 2% battery at all times. She's extremely lethargic. Park time consists mostly of her sitting while DD runs around like an overly caffeinated squirrel. Activities are very much the "observe from a distance" kind. Even crafting is mostly her handing supplies and letting DD get on with it while she scrolls on her phone. When I suggested maybe playing a game outside, she smiled and said she prefers to "supervise calmly" rather than get involved unless needed.

Nothing is unsafe. But it is very passive. What also worries me is the lifestyle mismatch. She's a very unhealthy eater. Her lunches are usually instant noodles, energy drinks, or crisps sometimes all in the same sitting. DD has now started asking if she can have "nanny lunch" and I'm dying inside a bit. I've never commented on what she eats, but it does seem to reflect her general low energy approach to everything.

DD is absolutely climbing the walls by the time we get home, like she's been storing up chaos all day. It feels like I'm paying for someone who seems to think engagement is an optional extra.
I expected someone young doing childcare, even part time, to be a bit more energetic and involved. I don't want a nanny doing a bootcamp workout in the playground, but a pulse above "mild hibernation mode" would be nice.

AIBU to think her age and being hired specifically for childcare should equal at least some actual interaction and enthusiasm? Is it time to have words with her about expectations? I am comfortable having the conversation but also don't want to be unrealistic about what is expected of a nanny, as I've never had one before.

You are paying, so the requirements are yours. You tell her what you expect from her and if she is not able to match it, look for someone who will. I would now hire a nanny in 20s though. The values of that age youngsters nowdays are terrible. Plus phone is not optional! It is forbidden unless it's an emergency! She is at work not on her own time. She would not be able to have it on any other job, why it is ok to have it in that kind of job?

suburberphobe · 08/01/2026 18:48

Sadly, everyone I pass in the street on the way to the supermarket is on their mobile nowadays.

It's sad and pathetic.

Sodthesystem · 08/01/2026 18:47

Sounds like she'd be a better fit for older kids.
I'd let the agency know that and give her her notice.

You need someone more enthusiastic with younger ones.

BufferingAgain · 08/01/2026 18:43

I think you did the right thing. You want a cheerful role model not an Insta zombie.

Trishyb10 · 08/01/2026 18:29

Shes immature,not interested,not dedicated,not passionate and purely lazy,get someone the kids will love…get rid x

TheLemonLemur · 08/01/2026 18:15

I wouldn't assume because she is young she will be high energy - i have worked with young student teachers who are much the same.
She sounds a bad fit for your family and values. Either terminate or have a conversation about expectations regarding engagement. Most jobs would not allow her to sit on her phone all day so its perfectly reasonable to say she keeps it in her bag unless using for work purposes eg sending you pics or updates

ldnmusic87 · 08/01/2026 17:56

She's not a good fit for you.

I also wouldn't want to hire someone who was on their phone a lot, just passively looking up.

Jazz50 · 08/01/2026 17:48

Oh dear! I'm a nanny and I don't do any scrolling on my phone when I'm working. In fact my phone is on silent until I leave. I would be having another word with her to explain what you want/need from her, don't suggest, tell!

wishingonastar101 · 08/01/2026 17:18

I remember seeing two nanny's regularly when my kids were little.

One was this young rather large, exhausted looking woman who huffed and puffed around. always had the kids strapped into prams, always sat on the bench eating / on her phone when the kids were playing.

the other was this young, fit looking woman who was always engaged.. on the swings, on the slide, pointing stuff out to the boy twins she looked after. never saw her snacking or on her phone.

I know I am being judgmental but I think OP is right to connect eating crap & having no energy.

I know which nanny I would want.

fleo · 08/01/2026 17:01

As a former nanny, and now a mum myself, phones would be a hard no. I always cooked fresh meals for the children and ate with them. Energy wise, that's a hard one because it's a physical job with job hours. Does she have nanny friends who she can hang out with so your dd gets some child interaction? I hate talking badly about nannies because they often get a bad press but she doesn't sound very professional. Side note but are you paying her the going rate? Hopefully she feels valued.

Original poster
OnePoisedLilacEagle · 08/01/2026 16:57

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/01/2026 16:23

Oh seen. You said little ones

that says it all

always terrible views on this agency

I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt but yeah, not really feeling them after this. They market it very much as "we vet them thoroughly, everyone is at a very high standard" and I'm not seeing it. I went with an agency specifically so I didn't have to do all this background work and set out extremely explicit instructions like "don't scroll on your phone mindless" and "don't eat rubbish in front of the child".

OP posts:
Original poster
OnePoisedLilacEagle · 08/01/2026 16:54

QuinqueremeofNiveneh · 08/01/2026 10:26

Sounds absolutely terrible to me, but the fact is that childcare standards are very low in the UK. Nursery staff are barely trained and spend most of their time box ticking development charts (and many appear to hate children!)

So there's a big cultural issue here, which I think means people are used to the kind of things you describe and consider them to be normal.

The first question is, is she a proper, trained professional or just a nice girl looking for an easy gig? Are you paying her well or is she on the minimum wage? That will obviously determined what you can expect.

From my point of view, everything you have listed is a sackable offence. The lunch issue, which PP have dismissed, is an excellent example. Unless the nanny has a lunchbreak away from your child and has someone else covering her 30 minutes, what she prepares and eats with your child is very much part of the professional service she is offering you and an important learning experience for your child. Not just about healthy eating and clearing up but about sitting down, enjoying your food, having a chat. You know, being a human!

My feeling is that this nanny is entirely unteachable. She is not interested in early years development, and she clearly doesn't enjoy being around children. I love her "supervise calmly" phrase. What a load of tosh!

The main problem and potential solution is that, regardless of age, these kind of low level practitioners in the UK (cleaners are another good example) are very immature, have a poor level of education, possess almost no self-control or ability to reflect, so are liable to fly off the handle at the tiniest hint of criticism. So it will probably be very easy for you to get rid of her. Just gently raise a few queries about how things are going, she will flounce off and you can recruit someone new (hopefully with probing interview questions and very clear expectations) who won't offer this parlous level of care to your child who, along with all children in the UK, deserves much, much better!

Sadly I have to agree. I'm not sure what the recruitment looks like for the agency but I do get the impression she wanted an "easy" job while she goes to uni part-time.

Don't get me started on cleaners!!

OP posts:
Original poster
OnePoisedLilacEagle · 08/01/2026 16:51

Nearly50omg · 08/01/2026 11:38

Is she parking your dd in front of the tv or a tablet when you arent looking/there? It’s lazy parenting frankly

We don't have a TV (just watch stuff on our laptops, usually after DD is gone to bed) and I lock the tablet away during the day. I try to only use it if absolutely necessary. Which I know is a bit extreme but thankfully DD isn't conditioned to want the tablet so she's usually happy with her activities, book, toys, etc. I want her to be comfortable with being bored and finding her own way out of it through play.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnePoisedLilacEagle · 08/01/2026 16:46

FanofLeaves · 08/01/2026 11:09

Some parents do use both. There are a number of after-school nannying positions I see come up, for children who go to pre-school with short hours ie 9-3 or even 9-12 in some Montessori settings, and who are off for all holidays. The child may not be long four, so not due to go to primary school until this September but that doesn’t mean she’s never set foot in a nursery.

Edited
Show quote history

This is exactly our situation - on the days my mum looks after DD she goes to a nursery for the day. So she is getting that group socialization.

OP posts:
goingtotown · 08/01/2026 16:31

She’s lazy, time for her to go.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/01/2026 16:23

Oh seen. You said little ones

that says it all

always terrible views on this agency

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/01/2026 16:20

OnePoisedLilacEagle · 08/01/2026 00:51

Thank you all for the advice. Much appreciated. I've emailed the agency already and told them it isn't working out and her last day will be Friday. We've never had household help before so I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable but clearly I need to be explicit about what I'm looking for and set expectations.

which agency did you use

how long has she been with you

what does contract say about notice - if a month you will need to give her 4w or pay her it

The13thFairy · 08/01/2026 14:15

Letting DD get on with it while she scrolls on her phone? This alone is a sacking offence ~ have you at least spoken to her about it?

FanofLeaves · 08/01/2026 12:11

QuinqueremeofNiveneh · 08/01/2026 12:08

If a nanny needs such careful management that the only way to address their underperformance is for the client to misrepresent herself as struggling with her child's energy levels (i.e. lie), then I think it is quite clear that the nanny is not the right person for the role. And it is also quite clear that for any professional to suggest such a course of action is unethical.

And to be clear, again, I was not referring to "unnecessary" phone use. I was making the point that mobile phones in the childcare setting are a safeguarding risk that requires careful agreement and management. This should be a top priority and a glaringly obvious point for anyone working in this area.

Your colleague's initial response to the OP I thought lacked clarity and substance, and she was unable to respond to my critical comments with anything other than emotive adjectives and obfuscation. Which is entirely in keeping with what I expect from childcare "professionals" in the UK but also a giant shame.

I don't think we are going to agree on any of this, and it is probably best that we leave it here. Thanks for your contributions.

Show quote history

What ‘colleague’?! I work alone, I don’t have colleagues.

Is English not your first language- as I think we’re on vastly different pages here with now we understand each other. Most of what you’re saying makes little sense or adds any relevance to the responses given.

QuinqueremeofNiveneh · 08/01/2026 12:08

FanofLeaves · 08/01/2026 11:56

No one was suggesting ‘lying’ but sometimes people require more careful management. It’s a bit of a carrot and stick approach. Or, a shit sandwich, you know- this could be improved, you do this brilliantly, but you need to focus more on this. You must have encountered the concept before?

No one is saying unnecessary phone use around a child you are meant to be engaging with is a good thing. No one. They have said it needs a professional approach and should never take your attention away from a child you are supposed to be looking after.

Show quote history

If a nanny needs such careful management that the only way to address their underperformance is for the client to misrepresent herself as struggling with her child's energy levels (i.e. lie), then I think it is quite clear that the nanny is not the right person for the role. And it is also quite clear that for any professional to suggest such a course of action is unethical.

And to be clear, again, I was not referring to "unnecessary" phone use. I was making the point that mobile phones in the childcare setting are a safeguarding risk that requires careful agreement and management. This should be a top priority and a glaringly obvious point for anyone working in this area.

Your colleague's initial response to the OP I thought lacked clarity and substance, and she was unable to respond to my critical comments with anything other than emotive adjectives and obfuscation. Which is entirely in keeping with what I expect from childcare "professionals" in the UK but also a giant shame.

I don't think we are going to agree on any of this, and it is probably best that we leave it here. Thanks for your contributions.