To want to change my children’s surname?

I say this with kindness but you had kids with someone you weren’t married to and you also chose at their birth to give them his surname. Hindsight 20/20 and all that but what’s done is done.

I’ve changed my vote after reading this.

If you were happy enough with it at their birth then it should stay the same.

I do understand why you want to change it but if your sole motivation is because of your ex’s potential wife then it’s unfair on the kids.

It would be a lot easier to change your surname to match theirs. Obviously not great as you think your ex is a knob, but you know he's not going to agree to changing theirs, is he?

If he does marry, his wife may not change her name to his. Some women don't. You don't have any control over that, only over your own name.

I remember a kid at school whose surname was changed to match his mum's new husband. I was astonished as when my mum married again, she changed her name to Mr Wankstain's but left her children with their father's name. I am really glad she didn't change ours to be Wankstains as well, one of the few things she actually got right (can you tell how much I dislike my mother's second husband?)

It wasn’t important enough to you to have their name when they were born, so I would ask yourself why it’s so important now. And “I don’t like the fact that their dad’s new wife might have the same surname as them” isn’t really a valid reason.

The children are too old for a name change just to make you feel more comfortable about the new girlfriend. They have had enough disruption with having a part time father.
Would you give them a say in the decision? I doubt your ex would agree.

You could change your name to theirs if it is that important to you to have the same name. It wouldn’t be fair to change theirs, especially for the 8yo.

I think you're forgetting the most important thing here. This name is your child's name and whilst it might frustrate you in future you shouldn't make such a drastic change based on your emotions. Especially important when they've already been through the upheaval involved in parents splitting up, moving homes and having the addition of potential new step parents.

Would you consider changing your surname to that of your children?

Your 8-year-old is old enough that they are probably pretty attached to their name already. Changing it risks being unsettling.

Having their father's surname gives the children a link to the paternal side of the family.

I wouldn't seek a name change in your circumstances. If you do, I'd ask your ex about changing it to a double-barrelled one. I can't imagine either your ex or your older child would be thrilled about dropping Dad's surname entirely.

My husband's first wife kept her married name after their divorce. I never changed my name after marriage because I was already well-established in my profession under my maiden name. So my children have a different surname from me. The children aren't bothered in the slightest and if anything they're impressed that I have a different name, as it's quite unusual for mums at their school not to change their name on marriage.

Yanbu. But I expect he'll be an asshole about it and say no. And the patriarchal legal system means you can't change it, or even double barrel it officially.

I added my surname to my kids name for school and clubs. Their passports has their dads surname on it but I was able to apply for it without his knowledge.

If he refuses, change yours to his. That'll piss him and his new wife off, probably, but oh well.

When my husband's parents split up he was 8 and was really eager to keep the name he was given at birth. It is a name that means something - think Dolphin, but not that - he loved it and he felt it was 'his'. Especially important at a time of upheaval.

It caused a lot of bad feeling with his mother but even now, all these years later he is adamant it was important to him.

Perhaps not the case with your child, but I thought I would mention it.

He will likely say no if he's a typical man with sense of entitlement and fragile ego. You can go to court and they may agree change it to double barrelled.

I think he would be extremely unlikely to agree to changing their surnames to just yours. Double barrelling is probably your best chance.