To want to change my children’s surname?

To you, that name is tgeir dad's name and his new wife soon (assuming she even wants to take his name). But to your kid, it is THEIR name, at least your eldest. It's their persona, who they are.

Unless they have no contact at all, changing their name only has the purpose to suit you.

My mum did exactly that when I was 6 or 7. I hated it and resented her for it. Thankfully, she didn't change it legally, so when I was 15, I owned it again and at 50, it is still my name. I didn't even take my husband name. My kids have their father's surname even though we separated when my eldest was 4yo. I don't see it at their dad's surname but their own.

The issue is it has only been in recent years that children have been given their father's surname in your circumstances.

The norm was that children had their mother's surname.

I didn't change my name when I got married many years ago, DC have double barrelled names.

It is mostly an issue if the person enters a career that requires background checks.

And if/when you remarry would you change it again or expect your new husband who may already have children with his name change to yours? Double-barrel sounds the most obvious choice irrespective of length.

I’d definitely want my children to have my surname in some way or another. Could you give them your surname as a middle name, or double barrel your name?

This is why traditionally children were given their mother’s name. I have no idea why so many unmarried women have started giving their kids the father’s name.

I’m not sure if it is petty though.

It is petty though. You're not doing it because you think it's in their best interests, you're doing it because you want to make a point to your ex.

I also question involving your child in this discussion she's obviously going to say what she thinks you want to hear because she's 8 and already knows you and daddy don't get on.

Genuine non snarky question, but what complications would that cause for them as kids?

I’m guessing the first passport update post name change might be a trickier but curious as to what the aggro would be beyond that.

I am however of the mind that OP should just leave her kids names as they are though because in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? Anyone that knows them will know the set up and know they’re not the new partners kids. Although a double barrel is a reasonable compromise.

Yabu because you are wanting to change their name for a petty reason not because it would be genuinely in their best interests

There's a boy in one of my DC's year at high school who has had two surname changes. He's 15 now! Really so unnecessary and effs up their identity. Think about that. Your name is what makes us who we are, part of our identity.

Having a name that is different than the one listed on your birth certificate adds complications. If an adult wants to deal with that hassle, that is their prerogative. A lifetime of dealing with the resulting problems is not something that should be imposed on children just because the parents are unhappy with their own life choices.

I wonder if OP felt a bit forced into giving the children their father's name. They needed a family name. She could not register their births without one. Their father may have refused to agree to anything but his name. As they were not married, he had to be present when their births were registered in order for them to have a father's name entered on to the certificate. If they already have very long names she may have worried that a double barrelled name would cause them problems with form filling, and situations when they needed to use their whole registered name.

I understand why you want to do this but he probably won’t agree to it and he has to.

As at least one person has already suggested, would you consider changing your surname to theirs? No shade if you wouldn’t btw, I thought about it myself but ultimately chose not to as I wanted the same surname as my kids but didn’t want the same as my abusive ex.

Yabu

if you cared that much they’d have had your surname when born, as mine does. This is about a new girlfriend.

It wasn’t a decision based on the norm of children having their father’s surname.

Wasn't it? So why didn't they have your surname then? The 'thought we'd be together forever' bit makes no difference. Everyone thinks that.

I'm sorry you've had a rough time in the relationship but this aspect of things doesn't make sense.

One of my friends was told by her ex that she’d have to change her name back once they were divorced. She was happy to as long as he agreed the kids could change theirs as well. Obviously he sad no and he’s furious that she’s still Smith for example as is his new wife (they’ve also got a relatively common name anyway).

At 8 and 12 it should definitely be their decision. I would only do it if they wanted to without any pushing from you.

Your post talks about what you want but doesn't give any consideration to what your children want. How do they feel about their names being changed?