To want to change my children’s surname?

It felt positive and empowering, and I believe it was the right thing to do. I believe they were both old enough to understand the reasons, and now they are older, they are still supportive of my reasoning. It felt like a nice thing to think of a new surname together too, for a fresh start. I made a shortlist which they were welcome to add to, we looked at name meanings and all agreed on one. I have no regrets (other than getting married, and changing my surname in the first place). I LOVE my/our new surname and it fits me better than any of the names I've had prior. I hope you can get it sorted with the ex.

I divorced my husband when kids were 6 and 4. I wanted to revert back to my maiden name but didn’t want to have a different surname to my kids. My exh refused the change of names for the kids so I kept my married name. He now has an issue with MY name as his fiancé doesn’t like me having it!

They are 8 and 2.

YANBU. I did similar, we were married though, but when he ended the marriage I didn't want his surname any more (I am a feminist but wanted shot of my maiden name anyway, had been meaning to change it since I was 16 but met resistance from my mother so didn't, but wish I had), but did want to have a shared surname with the children. They were five and ten at the time, I discussed it with them and they were happy to pick a new name - we chose a beautiful new surname with meaning. It has not been problematic for them. I have had some life admin to get through (banks, driving licence/GP/hospital/bills etc), but once that's sorted, it's no issue, especially once you have the passports. I have since been DBS approved, no dramas at all with checking my background. I even had a prior namechange for similar reasons when I was a baby, so I have actually had four names! We are several years on and both are happy they have a surname with me as well as their father. I also do most of the child-rearing, I do all the school admin and afterschool activities etc and it does feel easier for records with clubs and classes to easy reference that my surname at least in part matches theirs.
I can't even remember the last time I had to show anyone my birth certificate - probably the wedding. We three now have passports in our new names, and it's easy. Your main issue is getting him to agree. Mine did, I think he bore some guilt for cheating and splitting the family. Best of luck.

Edit to add, I have no plans to ever get married again, but if for some reason I did, I would keep my name now. I am too old for more kids, so that's not an issue for naming kids going forward.)

YANBU but good luck with that.

You said you were never married. Is his name on their birth certificates? If it’s not you don’t need his permission. I spilt up my with children’s father 14 years ago. I kept his surname after we divorced because I wanted to keep the same name as my children, nothing to do with him, I kept it until I remarried. I never changed their names but 2 of the 3 have changed it themselves, the eldest changed theirs to my new husbands surname, by deed pole, as soon as she turned 16 and one of the others has recently changed theirs by deed pole too. The only reason the other one hasn’t is because she’s getting married so will be changing it anyway. I let mine make their own decisions regarding their father themselves, I never said a bad word about him in front of them. They saw him for what he was themselves and made their own decision that he’s not a nice person. I call him their father because that’s all he is. He’s never been a Dad. My husband has brought them up, with me for the past 11 years. He has been a great Dad to them and they call him Dad, by their own choice. They call their father by his name, also by their own choice

This absolutely!

My parents changed my name before I knew anything about names and they did do the right thing by changing it, but my god is it a headache when dealing with bureaucracy!

my children changed surnames twice. Once double barrelled, once to solely my name. I asked if they would like to do the first one, they asked to do the second. Their dad happily agreed and he was far more involved than your ex. They have two deed polls and letters of permission signed by both parents and they've never had any problems at all.

Not RTFT . This is why a baby should be registered with the mother's surname.
Your younger child is only 2 and her father has already brought a new woman into their life.
('Nanny with a fanny' no doubt)

I do everything for my child and get hardly any money for child from her dad. She's with me the vast majority of the time. And he's unreliable , could be better etc etc. But I wouldn't contemplate changing her surname to mine. I know she loves her dad and wishes she could be with him more and I know that see sees it as a link to him (and the name is just part of her as well).

Neither would I have wanted to change my surname when I was younger either

It’s your children’s name, it’s not yours to change.

He either says yes or no. Simple.
My son's dad (my ex) moved out the country and never saw him again. I could actually change his name because we wernt married. No matter how much of a dickhead he was, I could never change his name fully. I went double barrel.

When dd was born me and her dad were only together 13 months. I have dd my name. When I had DS I gave him my name to match his DS. We got married a year later and all our names were changed to DH.

there is no way, if I had given them their dads name, on splitting I ould ever have changed their name to mines tho.

Would you change your name if you married? I know someone who married Mr Smith and changed her name to his, had two DC Smiths. They divorced and she went on to have another DC with Mr Jones, they split up as well. She then persuaded Mr Jones to allow the child to change their name to Smith so DC had same name as her and her other DC. Guess what? She married again and now has a different name to all her DC and the 3rd DC has the name of a man he's never met!
Anyway, after all that I think you need to ask your DC but think very carefully about the possible consequences.

This.

The best time to give them your name would have been when they were born. But the next best time to do it is now. They are with you most of the time, you do most of the work in raising them, why wouldn’t you have the same name? But equally a total change may be a lot for the kids to cope with (definitely speak to them about it as a number of people I know as adults, who were raised by a single mother, wish that their mum had given them their surname). Double-barrelled sounds like the way to go.

I would go in to the approach with him saying that your preference is for them to have your name, but that you are prepared to compromise by double-barrelling them.

I have two children by two different fathers and we all have different surnames from each other. I have or had full custody of them both (eldest is 18yrs) which was awarded through the courts. Your story is literally a tale as old as time. For me I never needed to have the same name as them to feel like there mum, I am the main carer and have always been mum.
However I realised they both valued that link to there dads even if there Dads weren't amazing, keeping their names meant continuity for them and an open link.
Also I'm not bothered about who shares their names. My youngest shares the same name as his (other) half sister and her mum (expartners ex wife) and daughter shares the same name as her step mum but more importantly her granny, aunty and cousin. Its all fine. Incidently I share the same name as my niece who has my brothers name and not her mums, also a none issue.

If they were both tiny, it would be different, but at 8, kids at school will notice and ask questions that your older DC might not anticipate or be emotionally ready to answer. If your ex will also be difficult, that's another emotional load; I don't think it would be worth it, TBH.

Until the kids mentioned the possibility of their dad marrying his partner it didn't bother you though?

And the way you call your ex partner 'her' that you don't have an amicable relationship

OP, I really wouldn't suggest this to your eight-year-old. It's not fair. She's already dealing with her dad being quite uninterested in her, with possibly getting a stepmother. If you suggest changing her name, she may wonder if her dad is being taken away from her. Or she may just be unsettled - your name is part of your identity, after all. She also may not want questions from her classmates about why she's changed her name, and may worry that people will assume she changed her name because of problems between her and her dad. Your OP makes it clear you want her to change her name for your sake, not hers.

I was in a similar situation @VP2024
DC had their Dads name as we planned to get married. It never happened. He left when they were 5 and 3. Never bothered me that we had different names though. Until he met his now wife and put his dick before his children. By 8 DS1 was asking to change his name. When their Dad married her they hated that she had the same name as them and I didn't. Not helped by school occasionally sending letters addressed to Mrs Theirname which were for me. I still didn't care, but they did.

They both changed their name as soon as they could do so without his permission (16)
I changed mine to match. We have a brand new, made up name and are the only 3 people in the world with it. Such fun!