To feel my SIL doesn’t know her privilege and is tricky to be around

OP couldn't even have piano lessons as a child as they were too poor, but by the time her brother came along, they could send him to private schools for better education and connections and life chances.

I don't blame her for being 'jealous' as some are calling it. I don't think she's jealous personally; I think she's in a position where she can clearly see that people who didn't go without, compared to others and even siblings, as she did, can absolutely feel how tone deaf those 'with' can come across.

I'm sorry, OP. Your brother's girlfriend DOES sound completely tone deaf as to how cushy her life is: she grew up privileged and she continues to be privileged due to inheritance with a fully paid off expensive home in a prime location in the country, no worries about money or bills, the ability to go as many holidays as she likes and work when she likes at particularly well-paying jobs. These are not things most people have early in life. Yes, she lost a parent. But so do many people who inherit nothing or it all goes to the other parent in the interim. It doesn't.

Your brother doesn't see it either as he got to go to private schools and no doubt make better connections, including his girlfriend, and will likely have an easier ride in life. Don't suppose your parents have tried to help you to make up for your very unequal starts in life?

It’s just someone at a different stage in her life to you. I recall when some old friends of my husband crashed our anniversary dinner and I thought the women were deeply boring chatting about their kids and suburban lives. We had nothing in common. Fast forward and it would be different now. It’s good she can enjoy her life after such a hard knock so young and as I say I suspect the rapid evolution of AI will overtake the demand for such services even at the most technical levels within to the near future. You don’t have to enjoy her company but she isn’t doing anything wrong from the sounds of things.

Just realised that - sorry OP.

She sounds lovely, and brave to be making such a success of her life with her early disadvantage.

Do you recognise your privilege OP? I hope that you are careful about enthusing over something in front of someone less fortunate than yourself.

There’s something about this whole “they need to check their privilege” stuff that feels
like you just want someone to be brought down a peg or 2.

She sounds motivated and she’s working/looking at doing a PhD despite having the inheritance so she’s not some brat sat on her arse milking it. She shouldn’t have to apologise for having received money. And I suspect her attitude around staying positive is in some way influenced by coping after the loss of someone so important to her. I think your lack of empathy regarding the loss of her mother is awful and ironic given your comments about her.

She has to navigate the rest of her life without her mother... any children she has will never meet their maternal grandmother and she will have to navigate postpartum without her. Her mother will not see her graduate if she gets her PhD. I'm sure the means to afford a monthly facial makes up for that...

I don't think you're being completely unreasonable, and I don't think she is either.

You just have too many differences to warrant spending a week on holiday together.

Everything is about perspective.

I lost my grandparents at 16, my mum at 18 and my dad a few years later. My mum had a chronic illness so I spent a lot of my time with grandparents who were like a second set of parents to me (hence their loss hurt). I grew up below the poverty line. I was a victim of domestic abuse and became homeless with 4-month-old twins as a result.

Woe is me, huh?

Despite all that, I actually consider myself quite privileged.

Despite my poor childhood and my unwell mother, I was very loved and had a very happy and stable childhood where my needs were prioritised and my dreams encouraged. That in itself is a rare gift many children don’t have. I had no idea we were poor (it was an impoverished community) until I left home. I never went hungry and never realised how much of a worry money was because my parents shielded it from me. I was the first to go to university. I benefited from a grant in those days and was able to pursue a graduate career as a result. When my dad died, my family’s years of careful accounting meant I got a modest inheritance that while peanuts to most on here meant I had a small deposit to buy a house - something which would have been out of my reach otherwise. My experience of DV allowed me to develop my career further, the lived experience informing my strategic approach in a way o doubt I’d have if I hadn’t gone through it first hand.

I have two wonderful, well-adapted adult children now, a great career, a house I (mostly) own and a wonderful DH. I think I’m one of the luckiest people alive, but I could paint a different picture if I wanted.

The point I am (ramblingly) trying to make is that sometimes when you feel lucky you can accidentally say so in a way that sounds smug rather than uplifting as you intend. At 25 this young lady sounds like she’s doing this rather than being blind to privilege. It sounds to me that she is well aware of how fortunate she has been in some respects and might be trying to downplay her position with an “if I can do it, you can too” attitude which is meant to be supportive but can sound a little bit blind to other people’s barriers. I was probably much the same when younger. At least she’s straying on the Pollyanna side rather than the poor me side.

She lost her mum young and that’s something that leaves a mark, so when you feel she’s being a bit insensitive just focus on that and remind yourself shes still very young - it sounds very much like her heart is in the right place and she’s a nice girl actually.

I know two women who lost their mum. One was 14 the other 20. At 25 they were both into facials etc. bubbly and a bit empty headed but they were single and enjoying life.

They both married and became mothers it's now the loss has raised its head more. The youngest started counselling at 35. The older one has been working through it alone.

It's no picnic for either of them. I think their youth, university, exciting lives just masked the loss.

Any post, sentence or statement that makes reference to someone's 'privilege' really grinds my gears, as its generally from someone with a chip on their shoulder.

I also lost my Mum when I was still in my 20s and nothing surrounding that loss could ever be described as a privilege.

I think there is always a danger in only comparing yourself to people with more than you. I’m sure to many people, you are privileged and may talk about things that seem normal to you but mark you as out of touch to those who can’t access them.

You sound very jealous of her and should probably try to avoid her for both your sakes.

Blah, blah, blah "privilege"

It's just pure jealousy on your part OP, which is fine and possibly understandable but doesn't make her "insufferable"

She says she is lucky to be freelance so that suggests she recognises it’s not an option for everyone.

Would you rather she sat around being bitter and miserable about losing her mum?

Asking for her advice on how you can learn the piano was a bit weird, what did you think she would say?

I think you are projecting a lot and this is more about your envy than her behaviour. She sounds a bit thoughtless but most 25 year olds are!

@Chlosbows I think you should tell her straight off; "How lucky for you- I couldn't afford facials/whatever." And if she talks about that all it takes is to "want something to happen" you can say that she ought to tell that to your friend with cancer who wants to get well or your friend trying to have a baby with ivf. She's very tonedeaf and would benefit from someone gently making this clear to her.

Or... she is grieving and tries to convince herself that she's happy by consuming.

I swear you're the same poster who pops up every few months changing details about your stepdaughter, even the way you write is similar. She lost her mother and lives in a million pound house in London.
If you're not, I'll say the same, jealousy will eat you alive.

I think whatever line of work you’re in, there probably is a way to become self employed. Some paths and sectors would be much harder than others; I’d say hers is quite an easy one and she has very little risk. You might be in a different sector where working for yourself would require a large business structure etc; that’s not to say it’s impossible..

You sound like you aren’t happy with your career tbh. Food for thought!

I agree with pp she is young and doesn’t have much wisdom to share so probably stop sharing so much with her.

She grew up privileged so she probably is a bit cushioned from financial hardship. However, she has absolutely experienced loss and losing a parent young will have shaken her regardless of her income and wealth now. It will massively affect people who lose a parent in formative years before major life events.

There are people twice her age who don't realise how different other lives are. As far as family tensions go, this one sounds manageable.

Scientific translation is well paid as you need to have the right background to understand and translate the paper. Its a good way to keep in touch with what is happening and earn.
While it will eventually be taken over by AI, its going to take a while - certainly more than 2-3 years!
If she’s planning her PhD anyway, she has a good strategy

She is an intelligent lady who has and is working hard in a job that requires skills most don’t have.
She isn’t privileged she has skills that pay well, be careful as it sounds like the green eyed monster is creeping in.

We all have blind spots on life. But yes if you really can't cope with that then stay away.

You sound like an envious wee so-and-so.

You're still just jealous. You're jealous of your brother going to a private secondary for whatever reason. I think it's more the prestige you think it gives him rather than the opportunities it afforded him. You also seem to want him to 'see your point'? To what end? He tells his GF off and tells her to stop showing off? Throws tomatoes at her?

The fact that you keep defending yourself by saying that your parents had no money shows that you cant even comprehend how jealous you are.

Her circumstances are not the fault of yours or your parents.

Youre jealous. Get some therapy and stop being so hateful. It festers within you and you'll end up more unhappy than you are now. Youre child will see it. Everyone will know how you feel, even if you think you hide it.

Try to see other privileges, wealth is just one aspect. I often complain to DH how privileged people are regarding parents, my Mum died when I was this girls age so before I had my family. All the time i would I hear friends talking about their Mum helping out or saying they can't believe i am bringing a toddler grocery shopping / to my opticians appointment etc and then say '°I couldn't do that' followed by a comment that they just drop baby over to mums. Or telling me to stay on for another drink and relax, despite me paying a sitter by the hour and facing into a dawn start where they have baby at a sleepover in Granny's. I'd be lying to say it didn't piss me off and I didn't feel some resentment. Even this past month, so many people going to parents homes for Christmas getting lovely meal served up to them. I'm quite comfortably well off now and am going on a winter holiday soon yet some people will tell me how lucky I am and I want to tell the to F right off..but you have to rise above it and accept the life you've been given.