To feel my SIL doesn’t know her privilege and is tricky to be around

However she is always talking about how lucky she is to work freelance, she can take more weeks of annual leave, start work later and finish later etc. She is also forever talking about her expensive holidays, expensive skincare, how she couldn’t possibly go a month without a facial etc. I find it all a tad insufferable, she is nice, I don’t believe it’s bragging, I think she is just genuinely unaware of how privileged she is in someways.

Do you talk about your mother in front of her?

You seem very envious of her. Even jealous. Which is bizarre as she has no mother. Maybe you need to have a think about why you feel the way you do

I think this says it all actually.
The greatest privilege you can have is good health!!

"She is quite privileged for 25, her mother passed away"

Wtf op??!!!

I know someone whose mum had died when she was younger and she seemed very "privileged" too. But she had no mum, and she herself carried the "Angelina Jolie gene" that had killed her mum. She had a double mastectomy in her mid-twenties. She had children with the help of preimplantation genetic testing, and had her ovaries removed to reduce the risk of her dying before she's 50.

You never know somebody's whole story.

My parents didn't have a lot of money when I was growing up. My mum was a dinner lady and my dad worked in a factory. My sister asked for a keyboard for Christmas and taught herself to play on a little Casio using a book she'd bought with her Christmas money. She asked for a bigger one the next year and got a larger Yamaha one. Buy your child(ren) one and teach yourself. :)

She is one of those people who are relentlessly optimistic about things being possible because her upbringing and financial status now cushion her from the sort of obstacles us lesser endowed people face.

50 grand a year for freelance academic translations, and a bit of personal writing at age 25? That doesn't add up..

I’m afraid you come across as very money focused and jealous as hell and that jealousy is what’s stopping the relationship. She’s done nothing wrong. Is doing nothing wrong. You’re going to have to ger over the fact some people have more than you.

You don’t sound very nice. She’s educated, young and childfree of course she spends her money on fripperies. I recommend that you speak to someone about the unequal treatment between you and your brother as I suspect that is the root of your problems.

You sound very young and jealous . That stupid phrase ‘ know her privilege’ . Really irritating .

At 25 I had settled into to my professional job, was earning decent money and had just bought my first house. Most of it I’d done under my own steam although my parents helped with my house deposit. Life was good but I’d moved from my university network of similar qualified friends to a much more diverse social network.
Either my professional/uni network it was normal to have several holidays a year sun, skiing, activity. Looking after yourself was obligatory so facials, hair, waxing and spa days were part of our social calendar. I soon found out how the other half lived after being cocooned in an ivory tower for 5 years.

It sounds like your DBs gf has yet to mix with the masses and realise that not everyone lives as she does, but that’s not her fault. It’s an accident of birth and your reaction to her says more about you than it does about her.

I lost my DM when I was 30 and my DF when I was 39. Life changed immeasurably. I learned to be happy again without them but there was probably a period of time where life was pretty empty and I wasn’t really aware of the opinion or feelings of others. You go through a period of emotional numbness, steering conversation so it doesn’t trigger the emotions that lie just below the surface. You become an expert in directing conversation to benign shallow subjects so that you are not exposed.

I hate Mother’s Day and will make an excuse to leave a conversation if it crops up. Because I don’t wear a badge saying “orphan” when I was younger very few people knew my “orphan” status, it’s not something you use to introduce yourself. But you do find yourself talking about anything and everything, sometimes without thinking it through, in order to reroute the conversation.

You don’t say what you do for a living op. Maybe your DBs girlfriend is tactfully aiming the conversation topic so you are comfortable with the subject. Clever people are often very aware that their conversation can go straight over the heads of many people so often talk about generic girly/boy stuff if they consider their usual topics of conversation would be over the top. Talking about facials and beauty products is quite safe in the same way football or cricket is often common ground.

She doesn't sound very self aware OP that's for sure.

I would feel a bit sorry for her, she may be academic but she's not very emotionally intelligent. She's still young though so cut her some slack.

Jealousy springs to mind?
This young woman has lost her mother early in life. No amount of cash can make up for the loss of a parent.

Maybe refrain from having the type of conversation around money/lifestyle etc, as it’s clearly grating on you.

I agree with others that you sound resentful, I think of your brother for benefiting from parents later wealth and then in turn I assume meeting wealthier types having gone to private school etc. That kind of resentment is very unhealthy, don’t compare yourself to your brother or his girlfriend. Your parents had the economic circumstances that they did and nothing can be done about that.
it can be hard having a young child and seeing a seemingly easy life for someone else at a time when you are under financial pressure, lack of free time and more tired than you have ever been.
Maybe she’s annoying, but are you making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be? With a 7 year age gap with your brother surely you aren’t in each others pockets, you don’t need a close relationship with his girlfriend. Be nice when you see her and the rest of the time don’t give it so much thought, same as most people with a SIL or BIL.

You didn't say at what age she lost her mum - do you know?

The inheritance didn't give her 2 masters: it may have paid for them but she would still have had to work very hard to get them. She sounds very driven and like someone who doesn't let much get in the way of how she wants to live her life. It's easier to do that when you have money to protect you from the financial consequences of poor choices or missteps but I would just accept that she is someone who makes things work for her and would do so even without the inheritance.

Try to avoid engaging in direct or indirect conversations about money, privilege or opportunities with her as it will only leave you feeling as you do now. She may also fear you are surreptitiously trying to ask for financial help from her hence her batting you off somewhat brusquely when you talk about learning piano or achieving a work life balance through freelance. She is only 25 and navigating early adulthood without a mum so yes I get she comes across as tone deaf on occasions but maybe keep her at bit more of a distance so you can cope with her on those occasions when you have to be together.

Why do we have to label everything as 'privileged'? I think people don't always know what it means.
This girl is not privileged. She just has a different lifestyle and perspective in life than you do.
She worked for education and her contracts didn't fall out of the sky.
How can you brush over the death of her parents like that? Absolutely awful for her.

I work in this field and i suspect she’s living off inheritance, as there simply isn’t the demand for that sort of editing and translation to earn anything like that kind of money. I suspect she does it because she enjoys it, like a
hobby job, and it earns her a bit of extra cash. She probably also prefers not to have to announce that she doesn’t need to work (and thus potentially alienate people).

And yes, you sound jealous. Her mother died ffs!

You mention about the piano lessons and how your parents couldn't afford them but then your brother was sent to private school as your parents were in a better position- why couldn't you get piano lessons while he went to private school? Is there some resentment there as it also seems you brother has benefited from things you haven't?

She's lost her parents so that poor girl is on her own in the world at a young age. That's not a privilege. No amount of money in and world will make up for her loss the guidance she will be missing. I bet she give up everything she inherited to have her parents again.

You sound jealous and not very nice tbh. She’s worked hard to get herself the qualifications needed to get a well paid job, at the same time as dealing with grief. She has a flat to live in, like plenty of other people her age. It is irrelevant that it’s worth a million. Do you call social housing tenants privileged when they get their rent paid for them? They have exactly the same thing, a place to live, but plenty of people that get housed by the state still have both their parents well into old age, so in the two scenarios, who really had the privilege.

You don’t have to get on with your SIL, but she sounds like a good person, while you’re on here bitching that she has a flat because her mother died young.

The next time she starts on about wealth facials etc..just leave the room.
If she makes flippant comments all the time .id nother bother to get into conversation with her

She is young and clumsy and has lost her mother. Give her a break

So she's worked extremely hard ( two masters and an undergraduate degree to get those) to get a well paying job she enjoys? That's not privileged and inheritance after the death of a parent isn't either. That's just unfortunate.

You sound like you’re a bit bitter about her background. She can’t help her privileged upbringing. I’m sure she’d give up all the master degrees, London flats, piano lessons etc to have her Mum back. 25 is young for a woman to have lost her mother.

You sound resentful of how you grew up and her lifestyle and jealous and I suggest you do some work on that.

Take the piano. You could have said parents didn't have the money when you were young. But you could buy a keyboard and take lessons now or do some online courses to learn. You're holding yourself back.

You resent her career. Free lance works for her. She's also taking steps to AI proof her career, which is a really smart move. Ask her for advice. Try some freelancing as a side gig.