To feel my SIL doesn’t know her privilege and is tricky to be around

You sound jealous. She sounds intelligent and hardworking. Can’t believe you can include privilege and death of a parent in the same sentence, this says a lot about you and your underlying attitude.

It sounds like you find her a bit irritating - and who wouldn't find someone who couldn't possibly go a month without a facial a bit pretentious and annoying. Yes actually, anyone can go a month without a facial, literally anyone.

You are allowed to be irritated by anything you like and you don't have to go on holiday with anyone you don't want to.

But on here you'll get picked apart and gas lit to hell and back that you're a crazy, jealous, bitter, resentful cow.

It’s a disgusting comparison isn’t it? The OP is taking all of her frustrations about her own life, her parents’ lack of support, and the difference in treatment between her and her brother out on this poor woman who by the sounds of it is an intelligent and self-assured individual despite dealing with the significant trauma of losing her mum at such a young age.

I really hope this woman wakes up soon and removes herself from this family.

Most people are unaware of their privilege - I'm sure you come across as insensitive in lots of ways too that you're not aware of. Your post just comes across as jealous. Her mum died, I'm sure she'd rather have her than a million pound flat. Nothing she has said sounds ill intentioned or cruel. People just talk from their own experience. Is she meant to pretend to be poor around you just to make you comfortable?

I would suggest that losing a parent at a young age is much more challenging a life experience than not having the option to work freelance and your parents not being able to afford piano lessons.

What does recognising her privilege actually look like to you? Is she never meant to talk about her travels? Is she not allowed to talk about her work? Does she have to launch into a disclaimer about how lucky she’s been every time she mentions something that may have cost more money than you have?
I honestly can’t imagine going through adulthood without my mum. A flat would be meaningless to me — I would want my mum.

The examples you've given don't seem like big issues - you could say something like "piano lessons weren't on family's radar as a priority when I was young. If I do start learning maybe we can compare our experiences learning as an adult compared to child".
The freelance one "yeah I guess so, maybe it's something I could revisit again in the future but right now need to prioritise the stability of a regular pay check to pay the bills".

And think about your conversation topics with her in future - don't "complain" to her or expect her to empathise with you over your different lifestyles.

It does sound like she has a nice life (glossing over the small issue of having lost her mother young) and if you are comparing your own more normal life with bills and childcare and money worries it can be easy to feel a little envious. But comparison is the thief of joy.

Your whole family seems very focused on someone else’s money OP, it’s very crass. Talking amongst yourselves about the amount of her inheritance, the price of her house and her income? I’d run a mile if I was in her shoes.

And you should never use the word “privilege” in relation to money acquired through inheritance. I shouldn’t even need to say that to be honest.

Maybe spend less time focusing on someone else’s life and more time on your own career etc. if you want to make more money? And I have never sat down and discussed difficulties in my life with a sibling’s young partner - it’s inappropriate.

Why on earth wouldn't you feel jealous if you knew someone had grown up with private schooling and inherited wealth, whilst you were never afforded the same educational and thus life opportunities, through no fault of your own? It won't feel very fair.

A good life lesson is to accept that life isn't fair, never has been and never will be, much as we might strive to level out the playing field for the most disadvantaged in society. A second useful life lesson is that if you are jealous of what someone has, chances are you are not going to be jealous of how they got it, or what they have had to do to keep it.

I think that you probably also have very little in common with your DB's GF from a personality/interests perspective so I would hold back on trying to create a more intimate relationship with her. You can be pleasant and polite around her but leave it at that.

.....and this is why you should never tell people about your finances.

I'm in a position that Commsnet would consider 'undeserving' as well. Like this poor woman, mine also came via other hardship. Not one person in my life knows the full picture and it will stay that way.

As you get older you will accept people for who they are. She’s still young herself but she does sound quite grateful for what she has. Live & let live!

You think it’s unfair she’s got what she’s got but I’m sure she’d swap it all in a heartbeat to get her mum back.

Don’t compare yourself to her. She had a head start. We don’t all start from the same place. I had friends whose parents had bought them properties while we were still at uni. They would then judge others but there was no comparison as they’d come from a privileged place. I loved them anyway. I do remember feeling jealous of them when I was younger though.

I get what you are experiencing OP, in that it's really tough when you've had challenging life experiences and others who have no insight act like you just haven't applied yourself enough.

What I'd say about your situation, is that she isn't your friend - and also that even if she is, that you need to take distance if what she is saying is leaving you feeling bad about yourself.

If she is your friend, you could also gently raise with her that you have a lot to deal with and need to focus on having time to process and look after yourself, but it sounds like this would just produce another talk about how you aren't doing it right so I wouldn't even bother to give her that.

Please don't give up on your piano lessons dream!
My late mother was about to start piano lessons as a child in Warsaw when WW2 broke out... After Auschwitz, with no family, she arrived in London. She dreamed of those piano lessons - she & my father could not afford a piano for us either. For her 65th birthday we, her children, bought her a piano and arranged for her to have piano lessons. She said that after her grandchildren, this was the best present she ever received.
You might no reach top level, but if it's your dream and it's financially possible, don't give up

Is losing a parent and working hard to get a good job really privileged?

Amazed by all the criticism you’re getting OP about being ‘jealous’ (what happened to the useful word ‘envious’ by the way?).

It is very difficult - if you’re struggling with normal things like work and bills and financial insecurity- to spend time with people who are much more wealthy than you, & don’t have any of those worries, unless you are very close to them. This is particularly so if the wealth has been inherited not earnt. This just seems like an obvious fact to me and is generally recognised by very wealthy people themselves, & one of the reasons they give money to their children & don’t hang out with the cleaning staff at weekends.

Personally I don’t think it is healthy to be spending a lot of time with people much richer than you, unless you’re really fond of them, so without making a thing of it or being rude I would tend to avoid the girlfriend, at least until your own life is on an easier footing.

I also think it is foolish to assume everyone is heartbroken by the loss of parents! Reading these comments left me quite astonished by the degree of support some people seem to have received from their mothers! I know 2 people in different age who lost parents young (late teens, early 20s): one was devastated; the other appeared absolutely delighted by her large inheritance.

She’s 25, maturity teaches you to take people all the ways they come and recognise their good points and tolerate the annoying parts. I’d just mosey along and make polite talk.

OP, this is Mumsnet, so will you find no support here, but yes, she obviously has privilege. She has grown up with numerous hobbies, an international school, and opportunities many children will never have.

She isn't doing anything wrong. That is the life she has always known. But for people on here to pretend she doesn't experience privilege due to her wealth and background is ridiculous.

It's hard for people who have grown up with wealth to understand that not everyone lives like they do and had access to the same opportunities. It's jarring for people who have not grown up with wealth to see someone who has had such a different life. I grew up 'posh' for my area, but ultimately very working class (grandparents were miners, public sector dad and mum worked in a shop, state school, no hobbies, art and theatre seen as a waste of money, etc) and I remember going to York Uni and my mind was blown by the concept of things like gap years in Asia, and 9k per term private schools. But equally, where I'm from, people's minds are blown by the fact I had a dishwasher and two bathrooms growing up 😂 It's hard to understand privilege without being on the other side of it. For example, I'm white, and will never know how it feels to be a black person.

She doesn't sound like she's bragging. It sounds like she is just talking about her life as she's always known it and lived it. But I think everyone should take the time to reflect on how significant wealth is in terms of things like educational and health outcomes. She has lost her mum young, but it doesn't negate the fact she has had a privileged upbringing. Equally, her privilege in that regard does not change the significant impact losing her mum at a young age will have on her mentally.

It's okay to feel frustrated that you couldn't access the same opportunities as her. It's okay to find it jarring. It's even okay if you privately feel a little bitter or jealous. Why on earth wouldn't you feel jealous if you knew someone had grown up with private schooling and inherited wealth, whilst you were never afforded the same educational and thus life opportunities, through no fault of your own? It won't feel very fair.

It's not however okay to blame her or take it out on her. You have no idea what her views are anyway. She may be privileged, but perhaps politically she is an advocate for underprivileged children, or she is passionate about children from poorer backgrounds being able to learn languages and study abroad? Who knows!

I do however believe we should all reflect on on our own privilege. Not only does it give you empathy for others, and helps you think of the barriers other people face in life, but it makes you more grateful for what you have. There will be things that make you privileged as well, OP.

She is enjoying her life, I'm sure it isn't perfect but she's not moaning about it , just sharing the positives , you do seem jealous

She's just talking about her life and perspective openly with you as she thinks you are friends. It doesn't sound like she looks down on you. Honestly I think YABU. It's very hard to lose a parent and it sound like you dont have much insight into that at all. Yet you are expecting her to somehow have this level of insight into the hardships of your life?? You sound a bit mean tbh. It dies come across as jealousy because nothing you've written about what she says sounds as though she's malicious or snooty.

Maybe she does know that she’s privileged but so what if she is?

I am sick to death of all this nonsense surrounded by so called “privilege”. Who cares 🤷🏻‍♀️ grow up and stop acting so jealous

Yes yabu, but rant away, that's what AIBU is for!
Remember that inheritance under sad circumstances aside,the harder she works, the more privileged she appears!

’my brother is dating a beautiful, intelligent and personable young woman who has created a lucrative freelance career for herself, despite the grief of losing her Mum so young, but I think she’s a deluded fool for no obvious reason other than jealousy of her million pound flat.’

OP, You have gotten some horrible comments on here from unsympathetic people. There is a very deep issue here. You and your brother had different childhoods. He had many more advantages. As a result, he moves in circles with people (like the girlfriend) who have lives different enough from yours that, you fear, they might not see you as equal. Even if the girlfriend is nice I can see how this might trigger those fears. You might subconsciously worry that if your brother moves in these more privileged circles, distance might grow between you (or perhaps you secretly fear that your brother is looking down on you). Surely this is not the case!! And the girlfriend sounds kind but simply clueless. But these big, deep fears would be understandable if you have never faced or acknowledged them adequately.

I grew up in a family with lots of jealousy. I’ve envied plenty of people, and I’ve also been the butt of many other people’s envy. In this circumstance the girlfriend is enviable not just because she has a financial advantage - but also because she’s smartly engineered a rather pleasant life for herself. That’s admirable - but I can understand seeing this and wishing that I, too, could have planned things out so wisely. (I would actually interpret her encouraging you to also freelance as a signal that she sees you as an equal.)

It’s never too late to give yourself the things you didn’t get as a child. Please take the piano lessons. I am a serious amateur musician, and a symphonic colleague of mine is involved with a special community orchestra designed to welcome adult learners. Take lessons, find yourself some good mentors, and a place to belong where you can play your instrument with other kind, positive people, and you will be enjoying yourself in no time!

>> She has a flat to live in, like plenty of other people her age. It is irrelevant that it’s worth a million. Do you call social housing tenants privileged when they get their rent paid for them? They have exactly the same thing, a place to live,

Ummm…actually, she has a million dollars of capital she can access if needed, and that’s a pretty nice security blanket. Translation work seems amenable to remote working. She could sell the million pound flat, buy a much less expensive cottage elsewhere, and bank the difference in some way to generate passive income. Or use the proceeds to make life more secure during her PhD (speaking as a person who got a PhD, the stipends are atrocious. I did not come from privilege and a root canal during that time wiped out all of my savings…some cash to pay for dental insurance would have come in handy).

Its not her sons girlfriend, its her brothers girlfriend, different dynamic.