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Original poster

Did I do something wrong? Employee snapped at me

193 replies

Brooklans · 06/01/2026 22:35

For context I am male. A woman who reports to me joined the company 6 weeks ago snapped at me and wondered if this is simply a misunderstanding.

A few weeks ago we had to travel to another city for work, I said I’d drove us both there the following morning at 8am. She gave her address (she’s staying at her parents temporarily) and then later sent me a text so I “had her number for tomorrow morning”. The next morning I arrived slightly early and didn’t call beforehand, and rang the doorbell twice. When she got in the car she said “Please don’t ring the doorbell again, it’s not my house it’s my parents I’m only staying there for the time being”.

She announced the role wasn’t right for her shortly afterwards, and on her final day I remembered she had some company equipment at home (for WFH purposes) and offered to pick them up from her parents house the following evening to save her bringing them back to the office. She text me the next day asking what time I will arrive. I told her and she texted back “Okay. Don’t ring the door bell again, just call when you’re parked outside and I will bring the equipment to the car”. When I arrived later I pulled up and rung her telling her I was outside. Afterwards I got out the car and walked to the front door, I arrived just ask she opened the door with the equipment, she looked taken aback and said “I told you to stay in the car!” I said “You said not to ring the doorbell I wasn’t going to” As she walked to the car with the equipment she said “I told you I’d bring the equipment to the car!” Put the equipment in the boot and walked off back into the house without saying bye. Thoughts?

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 07/01/2026 08:02

Livelovebehappy · 06/01/2026 23:58

Seriously? The woman had a choice to sort herself out and chose not to. OP offered, and it was always an option for her to say ‘no thanks. I’ll sort myself out’. Sounds like she’s no problem with being assertive when needed….

Show quote history

You have literally made up this scenario. You have no idea if that happened.

Chiaseedling · 07/01/2026 08:01

Sunshineandblueskysalltheway · 06/01/2026 22:46

Let people (women) make their own way to places. You don't need to anounce travel arrangements to other adults. Keep away from their houses and their parent's houses. Stop crossing boundaries on purpose and stay in your damn car. Ugh.

wtf! He was doing her a favour - he’s not a rapist!!

Fulmine · 07/01/2026 07:59

Goldwren1923 · 07/01/2026 01:25

And also why you had to drive or why did you have to pick up equipment? She could have just returned it herself

is there an element of you wanting to have some contact with her outside of work and THAT’s what made her snappy and wary of you? Generally you seem too drawn
to her/her parents house and too
involved
looks suspicious

Why couldn't the woman just say no if she didn't want OP at her parents' house?

Making two brief visits for work purposes does not amount to suspicious behaviour, on any interpretation.

GlassofRosePorfavor · 07/01/2026 07:58

Thoughts? I'll tell you my thoughts - stop asking for thoughts on a non issue

Owly11 · 07/01/2026 07:57

I think the mistake you made is making travel plans that involve picking someone up from their house. It is risky and could be seen as a boundary violation. We live in fraught over- regulated times and any interaction between a man and a woman in the workplace can be subject to a myriad of misinterpretations. This is even more heightened on work trips, travel etc. Take it as a lesson to protect yourself a bit more and be more circumspect in your actions in future. Times are changing fast and what used to be perfectly normal, acceptable behaviour is now seen as problematic in some settings.

Toiletbrushanswer · 07/01/2026 07:57

First one was fine. Given that it was unlikely to happen again I'm not sure why she even mentioned the doorbell tbh.

Second time i would have followed her request. I think it was a bit odd to head to the door when she said she would bring them out to you, but I'm weird about personal boundaries, even more so when it's work people. You were doing her a favour but I would never go to someone's door if they had suggested something else.

None of it is a huge deal though, I wouldn't give it much more thought.

Fulmine · 07/01/2026 07:56

rainonfriday · 07/01/2026 00:58

You may have intended both these situations to be a favour to her OP but you didn't ask, you just told her what is happening. The thing is you're her boss, so she probably felt she couldn't say no, even though she quite obviously doesn't want you near her home. She'd possibly have preferred to make her own way to the venue and to bring the equipment into work herself and hand it over there. I'd say she's quit because she's realised she can't work with you, you're not treating her as an equal. She can maybe see there's no malicious intent behind your actions, so nothing to complain about exactly, but all the same she can't put up with it.

Did you do something wrong? Not really, trying to be nice isn't wrong. But if you want to improve then in future ask if someone wants the favour you'd like to do for them, instead of assuming, because to the other person it might feel more like an imposition.

What on earth would prevent an employee from refusing either favour? Especially the return of the equipment, given that at that point she was no longer an employee. First time round, she could have said no, it was just as easy for her to make her own way, or something similar.

Of course, another scenario is that she was snappy about returning the equipment because she was hoping the employers would forget about it so she could keep it.

PhantomOfAllKnowledge · 07/01/2026 07:56

What are doorbells for, for heaven's sake? If the woman had asked OP the first time not to ring it, then she might have a point, but she should have said on that occasion if he wasn't to.

The second time, she's asked him not to ring it and he didn't. He went to the door and waited for her to bring the equipment out.

OP is not this woman's servant. He was doing her a favour on both occasions. When someone is doing you a favour, it's not your place to be dictatorial about how they do it, particularly when your requirements are ridiculous.

Bobiverse · 07/01/2026 07:55

EasternEcho · 07/01/2026 07:44

OP, you haven't addressed the fact that in your previous threads you were a woman, and now you are a man?

New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time | Mumsnet

Edited

Oh, ffs. What a saddo making things up for a forum. Get a life @Brooklans

Livpool · 07/01/2026 07:54

Sunshineandblueskysalltheway · 06/01/2026 22:46

Let people (women) make their own way to places. You don't need to anounce travel arrangements to other adults. Keep away from their houses and their parent's houses. Stop crossing boundaries on purpose and stay in your damn car. Ugh.

What?!

Fulmine · 07/01/2026 07:52

Nevs · 07/01/2026 00:42

She said not to ring doorbell, to call her when he’s parked up, and she will then bring the goods to the car.

Unless he’s an absolute imbecile does she really need to spell it out and add “stay in the car” to the sentence as well ?

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She doesn't have to give him instructions at all. He is doing her a favour. If she doesn't want it, she can use her words and say so, and make alternative arrangements to return equipment to the office.

Bobiverse · 07/01/2026 07:50

Fulmine · 07/01/2026 07:50

How was OP to know she lived at her parents' house?

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She told him when they arranged the first pick up.

Bobiverse · 07/01/2026 07:50

Why would you even ring the doorbell? She gave you her number and it’s pretty standard to text when you’re outside, not ring the doorbell. I’d be annoyed about that too if I’d told you I was staying with my parents and gave you my number for the morning. Maybe it’s a generation thing? But we wouldn’t ring the doorbell; we’d text.

The second time, she specifically told you to wait in the car and then she caught you right at the door and probably thought you were coming to ring the doorbell again, or that you were trying to hurry her a long because you text and then still went up to the door… why?

It’s intrusive when you’ve been told not to.

Fulmine · 07/01/2026 07:50

Nevs · 07/01/2026 00:27

Is it really a normal thing to do before 8am when he’s only picking her up, and she lives at her parent’s house?

If she lived alone I could see your point. But he wouldn’t just be disturbing her by ringing it, it’ll disturb her parents too. Maybe they’re retired and not up at that time?

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How was OP to know she lived at her parents' house?

Fulmine · 07/01/2026 07:49

Nevs · 07/01/2026 00:20

I’m surprised more people aren’t reading into this. She’s quit her job shortly after travelling on a works trip with him and now appears to not have any tolerance towards him at all. Yes her reaction sounds a bit extreme but surely there’s a reason behind this reaction. Everyone is taking this one incident alone at face value and calling her crazy.

OP she specifically texted you telling you that she would bring the goods to your car. She will have reasons for this and you chose to ignore them and step on her parents property. Regardless of whether he was doing her a favour or not doesn’t give him the right to ignore he wishes and approach her family home.

I’m guessing you may have form for either ignoring her, being overbearing, or over stepping boundaries, and this was the final straw.

Edited
Show quote history

Come off it. If it was specifically OP that she had the problem with, she could and would have made alternative arrangements to send the equipment back. She didn't have to accept a lift from him, either.

The contortions people on MN will go through to put blame for women's poor conduct on men are quite extraordinary.

notacooldad · 07/01/2026 07:48

To be fair to her she was probably worried about you waking her parents. A bit odd that you rang the doorbell rather than calling her/text

Thats not odd, its normal!

Fulmine · 07/01/2026 07:45

Sunshineandblueskysalltheway · 06/01/2026 22:46

Let people (women) make their own way to places. You don't need to anounce travel arrangements to other adults. Keep away from their houses and their parent's houses. Stop crossing boundaries on purpose and stay in your damn car. Ugh.

How very dare he do a colleague a favour. What a bastard, eh?

EasternEcho · 07/01/2026 07:44

OP, you haven't addressed the fact that in your previous threads you were a woman, and now you are a man?

New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time | Mumsnet

Fulmine · 07/01/2026 07:42

purplecorkheart · 06/01/2026 22:44

To be fair to her she was probably worried about you waking her parents. A bit odd that you rang the doorbell rather than calling her/text

The second time I am wondering why you left the car when she clearly told you to stay in the car and she would drop them to. You overrode her request and entered her parents property when she told you not to. What was your logic?

On what planet is it odd to ring a doorbell, FFS? That is literally what it is there for.

It doesn't sound like she "told" OP not to come to the door, rather than that she simply suggested he stay in the car. She doesn't get to give orders to someone who is doing her a favour.

Minnie798 · 07/01/2026 07:33

Ringing the door bell - she was perfectly reasonable about that. Normal to just call or text to say you are outside.
Getting out the car and walking up the path to help with equipment when she knew you were there- Yanbu and she sounds a bit strange. Lucky escape for your work place.

Fluffy24 · 07/01/2026 07:30

He didn't just ring the doorbell. He arrived earlier than agreed and proceeded to ring the doorbell. It says "twice" so what, rang once and no reply so rang again? What if she was still drying her hair, or in the loo, or doing something else that she couldn't or didn't want to interrupt to go to the door. And then what, she'd open the door and OP sounds like he'd have expected to wait in her [parents] house or something.

From a peer that would be irritating, but from a senior colleague where you add a power imbalance into the mix, I can see why she didn't stay long.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/01/2026 07:24

She was neurotic about you ringing the doorbell. For whatever reason. She overreacted by losing her shit over it but presumably there is a reason this has irritated or triggered her which you aren’t party to.

I would have been mildly irritated that you ignored a specific request like this twice. But her reaction is way over the top so I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

Chalk it up to her not being in a great place and let it go but possibly worth remembering that these seemingly minor things can assume much greater importance to the person making the request than they do to you.

BeQuirkyMintScroller · 07/01/2026 07:21

She sounds weird.

But then we all seem to live in two halves of the same world. I live in the half where it's perfectly normal to ring doorbells and call people for a chat.

Jamaicaningmecrazy · 07/01/2026 07:14

You wouldn’t listen.

MangaKanga · 07/01/2026 07:11

kittensinthekitchen · 07/01/2026 03:36

First line.... "For context i am male"...

.... yet all your previous threads are about dating, as a woman.

Ew.

A male fantasist probably reading people's responses about how this imaginary woman is beaten up at home-- and he's busy pulling the head off it.

Grim.