To not understand how people have an evening.

You have far too much non-dishwasher stuff! During the week use dishwasher-friendly pans and trays and certainly no fancy crockery. Tray bakes and one-pot meals are your friend.
When you get in, could that be the time to do laundry and other non-meal jobs? After dinner then, it should be only meal-clearing up and bedtime.

My kids are small (1 and 4) and we don’t do lots of afterschool activities or homework so perhaps it’s different.

both kids home from childcare/school by 5:15-5:30. I start their tea before I go or I cook it on my lunch break or defrost something I’ve frozen. They eat by 6pm and one of us sits with them while the other repacks bags for the next day, stacks the dishwasher, thinks what we’re having for our dinner etc. kids have a bit of play/telly with us and then up for a long bath at 6:30. One sits with the kids in the bathroom and potters around eg folding towels away or cleaning bathroom. The other puts laundry away in the bedroom and kids pyjamas and things out and bedrooms ready (quickly tidy up). Kids in bed and asleep by 7:30/8pm. First one out of a kids bedroom goes and cooks dinner, picks up the toys and starts the robot hoover and mop and lets that go around while cooking. Clear of the dining table, make sure dishwasher is on, eat dinner and watch tv and then up to bed. We leave the dinner dishes til the morning if the dishwasher is full and on. Put another load of laundry in the washing machine and whack it on timer to start at 6am.

so kids get time and attention, but the other parent is busy doing something.

I think you faff and things take much longer than they should. Also you could make your life easier by making small adjustments to the routine. Lots have been suggested already.

So tonight I got in at 4pm with DC, emptied bags and had a snack. They tidied their rooms whilst I hoovered, wiped the kitchen floor and swept out the fire. That took about 1.5 hours for me with a small break in between

How long was the small break? The hoovering doesn't need to take that long. Do the edging and the faffy bits under sofa etc. on days when you have more free time. Do a quick run around with the hoover in the main rooms every other day or so. I know you said it was because of taking decorations down, in which case that is an exception so you can't really extrapolate that to being a reason why you don't have an evening every day. Do the minimum hoovering in the evenings.

So finished around 6pm. DH got home at 6:30pm and cooked dinner, he had to pick up food on way home as was missing vital ingredient, I think it was ready about 7:15pm
What was DH doing between 6.30pm and 7.15pm? He could have been doing some of the other tasks such as doing the laundry or getting the packed lunch ready.
Also you had half an hour between the hoovering and starting to cook dinner so that meant you had half an hour of "evening time" then. Add that to the "small break" while hoovering and you've already had 45 minutes free time.

Eating dinner takes the kids ages so they finished eating at 8ish. Younger one needs help/supervision to get ready for bed so DH did that whilst I made lunches with the 12 year old. Finished all that about half 8

Having a family dinner counts as evening time. No one is working or doing chores and everyone's sitting around chatting.

Then unload dishwasher (we don't seem to have time in morning) dry up and wash up, sort and put load of washing on. Took at least 1.5 hours for one person. Have to wash up as it won't all fit in and non stick pans aren't dishwasher safe, neither is some of our crockery. I did have some evening whilst DH was washing up but we never get time together.

This is faffy and takes far too long! Speed up!

Get a robot hoover. I very rarely hoover now and only corners of places robot won't go.

When you are working have simple nutritious meals that are easy prep e.g. salmon in the air fryer with grains (pack from shop with rice, edamame beans etc.) and veg. Or we have sea bass (3 mins each side under grill) with small potatoes done in air fryer with veg.

I use my slow cooker when I am off work and make double, one to eat that night and one in freezer or fridge for a work night. Rice - get the bags you microwave if you don't have time.

I'd look at changing the order you do things.

Washing goes on as soon as you get home.

Then the evening meal should be the priority. I'd suggest having a couple of alternative meals you can make if you suddenly realise that you are missing a vital ingredient. You can usually find time to empty the dishwasher while cooking and also start prepping school lunches.

Your kids will probably be less tired if you eat earlier.

One person can then clean the kitchen while the other sorts bedtime, folds clothes and any other prep needed for the next day.

If you want meal ideas this is a good website: Quick and Easy - RecipeTin Eats
I would find something you like and make it once a week on a night when you have more time. Then after about a month you should be fairly speedy at it and then you can move it to another night. I also find prepping dinner for the next night while I am finishing off tonights dinner can save time. We have stir fries or marinaded chicken breast a lot. So I can put together the marinade and get meat out of the freezer while I am waiting for the pasta pot to boil for example.

Another good option is a 10 minute tidy where you set an alarm and everyone works together to get as much done as they can before the timer goes. The kids can focus on putting stuff away, you could dust etc. We fold laundry together and chat while we do that. Then everyone puts their own pile away.

These evenings are precious. One of the things I loved this Christmas was just lazing on the sofa with my 2 teens (one back from uni) watching a movie together or TV.

We too have a busy household. Everyone needs to help cook, set out the dishes etc, tidy up, put things in the dishwasher, prep food and then everyone can relax. I have a rule that by 8pm I am on the sofa watching telly dishes etc. done or not. Otherwise I won't be relaxed enough to go to bed and sleep well.

I also find that if I get up 1/2 early before I need to get up for work I can get loads done. I can put on a wash, empty dishwasher, load up and get my work lunch ready.

As others have said OP, you too slow and you must be faffing around mindlessly to take so long to do these jobs. Set yourself a time limit for tasks and don’t go over it. I could spend an entire Saturday for example cleaning, but I won’t. I set 90 mins and I can get the whole house done. Same size as yours. Speed up and organise yourself.

Do you have an air fryer? Weeknight meals here are normally something like marinaded chicken, sweet potato/microwave rice and veg. Very quick to prep and cook and hardly any pans to cleans afterwards.
As for the hoovering and floors, either do it faster or do it less, until the kids are older! Then aim to eat a bit earlier and whoever isn't doing bedtime can give the kitchen a quick tidy/make a very quick packed lunch.

I don’t but sounds like the OP might!

Between the two of you the work should be shared enough that you can have some evening time.
When DH is here one of us cooks, then we all eat together, then one of us does dishwasher/kitchen while other monitors DC getting ready for bed, both of us do bedtime together, then one of us will take care of animals and the other will finish off surfaces in kitchen, put on a load of washing if needed, and done for evening.
When DH is away its a different story. Finishing work, pick up, cooking, bedtime, clean up, washing on, unsettled DC need putting back down, sort animals, and I'm left with about an hour to myself before I need to go to sleep.

Someone up thread mentioned ironing.

My solution to ironing is not to do it. Just dry the stuff nicely. I will iron for weddings and funerals, mostly funerals these days.

Not rtft but read all OPs updates.

The big things for us are that as pp have said, everything goes in the dishwasher. Only exception is water bottles (learned that the hard way!). We do lots of 1-2 pot meals so everything fits. Our dishwasher has a good drying cycle on eco mode so we unload in the morning and it's all dry.

'Batch cooking' doesn't have to be a massive event. I just make double of what I'm making e.g. Thai curry, spag bol, chilli etc and either eat the second portion the next day or freeze it.

Wash loads I put on in the morning on a timer and unload/hang up while kids are having bath time. But I have one WFH day a week and try and leave it until then if I can.

Lunches we do in the morning. Wild horses wouldn't make me hoover on a weeknight unless there was an actual spillage.

My DH is a slow faffy person, inherited from his parents. I can properly clean up our open plan kitchen/lounge in no more than 60-90mins. DH will spend at least twice as long doing a worse job. He doesn't clean as he goes, doesn't put things away as he goes, can't multitask (e.g. when he's cooking, he's stirring the saucepan or watching it the whole time rather than doing jobs in between). Our solution is that he does the kitchen every day. Takes him until midnight some days but that's his choice.

True. Some take 3 times as long to do the same tasks.

I only empty my stove about twice a week and it’s on all the time at the moment. They really don’t need to be emptied every day.

Why are you washing up if you have a dishwasher? Load it as you go along during the day, turn it on and empty it in the morning!

This.

Sounds organised. No need to be doing this stuff until 10 pm. Sticking a wash on takes minutes, the machine does the rest.

You kinda have to sweep the fire out every day - or rather, after every use if you are going to light it again. In the winter, I do our stove most mornings. It takes 10 minutes to clear the ash from the grate and ash tray, clean the glass, relay a new fire (getting new logs in if necessary) ready to light later, and wipe the hearth/stove down with a damp cloth.

It's actually a chore I enjoy doing for some bizarre reason. I think it's knowing I'm laying a gift for myself later - a sit down in front of the fire... If the OP isn't getting the pleasure of this, I can see it's a ballache.

I live in an actual zoo of animals and only hoover once a week. I do sweep the kitchen floor in the morning.

I think there are a mixture of things at play here:

1. life does change as children get older. You can safely ignore all of the people with under 6’s whose kids are tucked up in bed by 7.30. I had very easy evenings at that age and I don’t get anywhere near as much free time as I did when my children were younger.

2. you do seem to faff. Some people just make a bit of a meal out of basic tasks. Eg an hour and a half for vacuuming feels excessive as do the timings for some of your other tasks. You could probably benefit from setting timers and giving yourself some strict time limits and tasks to do in a specific timeframe.

On faffing, one of my children is quite efficient but messy and one is a faffer but tidy. The efficient one was dressed before I had even got out of bed this morning. The faffer took 40 minutes to put her uniform on while I was tearing my hair out. They both had the same tasks to do but one of them made it much harder work.

18 month old and 4.5 year old here!

Home at 5.30/6 - eat at 6.30, one of us gives the baby a quick bath while the other gets the 4 year old into pjs, teeth washed etc!

Then the 4 year old plays for a bit while the other parent does a quick blast of dishwasher filling/unloading, wipes counters and puts things away while the other parent putting baby to bed!

baby asleep by 7.30

then 4 year old gets a book and into bed by 7,45 with her tonies box

probably have a load of laundry to hang and then we can both sit down before 8 and we usually fold the clean dry laundry while watching the tv!

Some nights i chose to batch cook something maybe instead so that helps make the future evenings better - but this is like once a week maybe that id lose an evening!

We get an evening from 7.30pm till 10pm although it goes in a blink of an eye!

We are a ND family so children do need more focused attention/routine. I have a slow eater and I do priotise spending one on one time with each of my 3 children every evening.
The first thing we focus on is dinner for the kids. Easy simple meals. The kids and me are in early 3.30 pm so this does help but also early bedtimes so still have to stick to a good speedy routine. We have a very open plan house so we can still all chat and keep an eye on them whilst they eat. This means I can cook/ tidy up/wash up as I go.
We don't do any washing or hoovering in the week. All at the weekend.
Once they are finished eating we spend some time playing or a bath. My husband is in around 5pm then we either eat a quick dinner then beans on toast/soup or start bedtime routine for the youngest two at 5/ 5.30pm. Each take one child. Bedtime can take a while and my 8 year old needs a good 20 minutes of processing the day chat whilst he is in bed or sensory swing.

Whilst we are doing bedtime my eldest (11) will be downstairs unloading/reloading the dishwasher and making his lunch whilst he listens to music or chats to a friend. If my husband and I haven't eaten a dinner earlier then we will have one whilst chatting to my eldest. He has learnt to be super efficient then he also gets more evening/1on1 time with a parent. At the weekend my 8 year old also does some of these chores together. School nights he needs early bedtimes. At the weekend and school holidays we all will eat together. To keep routine and speed we sacrifice that during the week but we are all still spending time together.
They are all up from 5am So plenty of Time then to complete any chores/makes lunches for the younger two.

We then do a quick tidy up all three of us For about 10 minutes. Then one of us spends one on one time with the oldest whilst the other one walks the dogs. All done for around 7.30pm so our evening can start. Eldest does his teeth then and we say goodnight/kisses cuddles,then he does drawing lego puzzles on his own till his bedtime at 8/8.30pm

When I was working shifts I wouldn't be in till 7pm so my husband would do most of the routine and I'd do the same when he worked late evenings but My children hated the chop and changing. My middle one could not cope and started school refusing. We have really prioritised keeping a rigid routine now it's the only way life works for us.

So figure out what works for your family op. Definitely prioritise getting a evening and time spent with the children. Think about downgrading cooking and cleaning to the bare minimal or how you can bosh it out in less time consuming ways. Lots of great tips already been mentioned by pp.

Due apologies OP but 90m seems a huge time to have a quick hoover round, wash the kitchen floor and sort the fire. 40mins? If you're doing a major clean it's different obviously.

Some people are gluttons for punishment.

Can’t you all eat together? Cooking twice would be such a pain. You must be starving by 9!

What stands out to me is that you get home a couple of hours before your husband but then have to wait for him to cook dinner. I think your family evening meal is late and long for most primary age children. It means that all those hours before dinner are basically your “evening” and yesterday you spent it hoovering.

I have a friend whose husband Likes To Cook and insists on mealtimes all being together as a family no matter what. That doesn’t work for a lot of families with school aged children and two working parents. Some days you just have to feed the kids first. Or at the very least in your position I would cook so it’s ready when your husband gets home.

I think most people wouldn’t fill the early evening on a school night with tidying bedrooms and whole house hoovering. More usual is homework, dinner, kids play or relax with tv etc before bedtime. You can do washing and so on in the background during this time. Then once kids are in bed it’s mostly a free evening.