To think being a mother is a constant worry.

I still worry about my children and they are all adults now. I guess everyone is different l

Hmm, I only have a 2yo so far, but I wouldn't say I worry.

I take note of things that need attention and I do lots of actions that support nice things for him, but I wouldn't say I worry about anything I can control.

If ever I mention any of these things, my MIL (well-meaningly) tells me "don't worry about sleep/diet/development/whatever". But I'm not worrying. I'm just doing things I feel to be good and doing them in ways that make me happy too.

I think I just be broken because I don’t constantly worry about my dc. I think about where they are and check with them (they are both teens). But I trust that they aren’t idiots and can call me if they need me. They are both pretty tame compared to me at the same age!

If somethings going on then it concerns me. But I don’t have constant anxiety about them.

Wow. Interesting! You hit a nerve here!!

What did you expect? If you are never worried it’s not a good sign. Sounds like you’re doing a good job.

Yes - I think one of the most helpful insights that I ever got in CBT was that by letting anxiety drive all my decisions and interactions, what I was actually constantly doing was prioritising my own comfort, and trying to stop myself feeling an unpleasant emotion. Recharacterizing it as actually very self-centred and self-focused really helped me because I think I was viewing it as essentially a moral good to constantly worry and that was stopping me from tackling it.

'They say that as a parent you are only ever as happy as your least happy child.'

I wonder if this infantalises women a bit, and also sounds a bit codependent. Sometimes I wonder if these lines are trotted out to keep women caring and caring and caring.

Parenting is forever and a constant worry. They say that as a parent you are only ever as happy as your least happy child.
Some parents have a happy ending and others don't.
It never ends

So very true.

''There is, I think, a very strong rhetoric (and I think MN is particularly bad for it!) that the more anxious you are the more loving mother you are.''

I agree with this, and also a lot of codependency dressed as love. A lot of us need to cut the umbilical cord.

Oh gosh yes the worry over parents! And even grandparents. I'm sure mine have shaved several years off my life. And it's not even a choice like having kids is and you KNOW you'll lose them one day.

I always have a bit of worry at the back of my mind but it doesn't take over unless there's a imminent threat.

Mine are DD 22 and DS 21. DS is at Uni 3 hours away and DD graduated last year and now lives in London again 3 hours away. I have been divorced from their Dad for 10 years now and virtually raised them alone. I have found my worry over them has escalated a lot since they left home and I have zero control over what they do / where they are etc. My OH reassures me that it is very rare for anything bad to happen until my DD best friend was killed last year aged 21, just walking home and a car lost control mounted the pavement and killed her. Of course DD was distraught and it has been the hardest time. Bizarrely I have started to let go more these last few months, if the worst is going to happen it will happen and me worrying changes nothing but makes my life hard.

I always fussed over DD and her career choices and now I just say nothing and keep my mouth shut and let her be, she is an adult after all. In fact it has been quite liberating.

ETA I still check in with both of them everyday just a good morning have a nice day which helps.

In fairness I say the same to my parents! They travel across Europe and I still get a check in each evening that they’ve reached their destination safely.

Mine often isn’t necessarily ‘worry’ so much as not being comfortable with knowing they’re in pain, and not being able to do anything about it. Like when they’ve suffered a heartbreak, I just want to take that away from them. I worry about them hurting.

I agree so much. A lot of what I’m reading here seems like straight up anxiety. I do not think it’s normal or healthy to be so worried about teenage or adult children doing normal things (ie not in a war zone, deadly ill etc).

What took me by surprise was that I’d still be worrying after all these years. When they’re babies and toddlers you expect to be hyper-vigilant to dangers, but you think it’s temporary. I thought it would get easier, but 30 years later it’s just as bad.

We have 5 DCs, so there’s always one who’s going through a tough time. I’m sure they have secret meetings and hand the crisis baton over to a sibling as soon as their problem has alleviated!

Yes of course but anxiety disorder will always make this worse. My Gran has had it probably her whole life but wouldn’t admit to it. She sits worrying still not only about my Dad but also me. She panics about me working in a big city, about me driving, about me going abroad without my DH, even about me going on trains… She watches the news incessantly which worsens it, she thinks I’m going to get murdered or raped.

I avoid the mainstream news, I just stick to politics now which isn’t cheery either but I can’t read the other stories the news pedals out about murders, rapes, assaults, child abuse etc- it just depresses me way more than Putin and Trump.

I just don't feel that others seem to be so anxious about that stuff, maybe they hide it well. I'm not even a particularly anxious person but I am really turning into a worrier.

Yes - I’ve always heard once you become a parent you never stop worrying. In fact teenagedom is particularly hard because they are more independent and make decisions that may not be the best. It you have to let them make mistakes - you telling them something is not the same as them figuring it out themselves. And see them suffering from first breakup, agonising over exams, perhaps a bit of dabbling in drugs… then their first overnight music festival, first trip abroad with just mates - yikes! Anxiety city.