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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’m finally done

28 replies

Lolill · 06/01/2026 19:23

I’ve finally for 3rd time left my partner and took my two year old with me this time I am literally done because I falled for his lies again last year in the summer saying he was going to change for our son and cut the drinking and get professional help so he can be a good role model for our son for his future but he’s done none of that!! On the 2nd of January 2026 I left because he got really aggressive with me infront of our son and then in the pub he threatened a man that lives on the same neighbourhood as him and that was also in front of our son. He’s been messaging but I’ve only replied to one message when he asked if our son was ok but other than that I’m not replying and I’ve not spoken to him properly over the phone as I’m really hurt and had enough. If he was to take me to court I’m in the right arnte I to not let him have access to our son cause he can’t even have him on his own because he’s a drinker and also suffers with sleep apnea so he has to kip at some point in the day to catch up on sleep. What can I do ??

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HowardTJMoon · 07/01/2026 09:19

I think you're doing the right thing. If you're comfortable with being the one to supervise the contact then that's fine but bear in mind that being in the same room as him gives him an opportunity to try to talk you into changing your mind. If you've got a friend or family member you trust then consider asking them to supervise.

Alcoholics are great at promising that tomorrow will be different. They'll stop drinking tomorrow. They'll get help tomorrow. They'll sort themselves out... tomorrow. And in the moment he's telling you this he may very well believe it because that's exactly what he's telling himself, too. This is why it's important to ignore what an alcoholic tells you about their drinking and, instead, pay attention to what he's actually doing. He's refusing treatment for his sleep apnoea, probably because he knows they'll likely tell him he needs to stop drinking. He is not getting help for his drinking. He drinks himself unconscious. Despite everything his drinking has cost him, he nevertheless continues to drink. His words are meaningless in the face of his actions.

Your son is dependent on you to keep him safe. You're doing the right thing.

Original poster
Lolill · 07/01/2026 08:20

He really isn’t and he can be aggressive in front of our son too when we go out and it’s a constant battle with this drinking and the fact he passes out when he drinks is really not safe if he was to have his son and then decides he wants a drink because it’s not just one it turns into 6 and he even said before if he was to have him he might need one drink to calm his nerves! And yeah I’ll definitely have a look lot at the charities for alcohol for families I could really do that and I spoke to a solicitor last year and the guy actually said that because I have a safety concern that I’m in the right to let him not have him on his own and that even though I’m letting him see his son but I’m there that the court wouldn’t take much interest because I’m not stopping him. But this time I just can’t go back and put our son through this and he’s already picking things up

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Original poster
Lolill · 07/01/2026 08:14

It is a risk concern I would love for him to have his son so he doesn’t miss out but I can’t trust him and it’s the face when he drinks he also passes out and when our son was born and the age of 2 he’s never really shown much interest and a bond with him and the way he treats me and tells me that our relationship is normal and then tells me to stick around because it won’t always be like this and he get help he doesn’t and he doesn’t change anything for us I just can’t do it anymore

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Sunshine1500 · 06/01/2026 20:51

I absolutely agree with holding access if a child is at risk

Sunshine1500 · 06/01/2026 20:50

Just don’t contact him until he goes to a solicitor.
if he wants access the solicitors can deal with it.

YourZippyHare · 06/01/2026 20:38

Keep your records- try to keep your son away from him. Alcoholic parents don't deserve their kids. From what you describe, it simply isn't safe at all for your son to see his dad, and certainly not unsupervised.

Anon501178 · 06/01/2026 20:37

Lmnop22 · 06/01/2026 19:59

This is why you need to have supervised contact. Can just be as simple as him and his mum take them to the park. But you can’t withhold access to his child altogether

Show quote history

Yes she can if she feels it is in the best interest of the child and the father is a safeguarding risk.It sounds like you would be best to report your concerns to social care though OP, if only to get it on record.

Then tell him he will have to go through court.Keep a log of any evidence which may be useful as proof or to fight your case, incase he does progress with things.

Original poster
Lolill · 06/01/2026 20:36

I would be happy for him to have his son on his own but I just can’t trust him to not have a drink while he’s got his son around him and it’s the fact he can sometimes pass out too. I’ve always been there to let him see his son and then we were working on everything but he’s let us down once again and I can’t keep putting our child through it . And thank you so much for your advice means a lot 🙂

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/01/2026 20:34

Lolill · 06/01/2026 20:04

I’m not going to I just feel sorry for our son and I have so much guilt and thank you so much for the advice

Don't let yourself get weighted down with guilt.
It is very sad that you have to do this but you are doing the absolute best you can for your son and yourself and even your DH by getting to safety,

He is not a safe parent, however much he promises, from your description.
Leaving, might be the jolt he needs to change.

People may be right that he won't want to co parent but you have no guarantee of that so find out your legal rights and record evidence as a back up if ever needed. You need to look ahead to protect yourself and your son.

I'm sure people on here can recommend places where you can find out more or get advice about the legalities. Also, try some of the charities which deal with alcohol abuse for advice - I think there's one for families.

Original poster
Lolill · 06/01/2026 20:32

I’m sorry but I wasn’t going to get rid of my son because he was actually seeking help and then he quite towards the end and started drinking again and then he’s constantly let us down and then lied about changing also he passes out when he drinks and when he does chose not to have a drink for a couple of days he doesn’t even do anything with his son just spends like an hour and then he’s either having a nap in the day or just smoking. I’ve had to go this time and cut contact because he’s not good for us and I wanna give my son a good childhood not one where he will remember his dad drunk and constantly letting him down and being a shit dad.

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Happyjoe · 06/01/2026 20:30

Supervised access, and only if sober is probably ok. Children do miss their parents and it's that difficult balance of allowing contact but keeping them safe. Not just physically safe but mental too.

Sorry OP that you've gone through this and tried several times to get him to take stock of his life choices. For what it's worth, you've done the right thing. Be kind to you, it's going to be tough for a while as you sort things out for you and your son. Hugs

Original poster
Lolill · 06/01/2026 20:12

Luckily I have friends and family that are supportive and also seen his behaviour and I have proof and messages and I’ve also been keeping logs of the situation since June last year as I looked on the internet for advice and it said that court like to see some proof and to keep notes of the situation. And his mum an dad are elderly and his brother don’t even have a care in the world with his nephew and I just can’t let him have our son on his own because he’s not safe as his dad sleeps when he drinks and it’s just not safe 😞

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Original poster
Lolill · 06/01/2026 20:09

Well tbh he doesn’t even have the funds for court and when he does see his son when I’ve took him down even when he’s having a booze free day he does nothing with him and then sleeps most of the day because the night before he hasn’t slept because with his sleep apnea he can’t sleep and he’s had 3 appointments for the machine and both times he’s cancelled them

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Original poster
Lolill · 06/01/2026 20:06

both his mum and dad are elderly and they think his mum got on set dementia and she’s 70 and his dad 81

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Original poster
Lolill · 06/01/2026 20:04

I’m not going to I just feel sorry for our son and I have so much guilt and thank you so much for the advice

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InterestedDad37 · 06/01/2026 20:03

Lolill · 06/01/2026 19:59

He says everytime we have a discussion but he’s always convinced me that he will get help with his drinking and he wants to work on our relationship as well but he lets us down constantly and when he drinks he passes out hence why I can’t leave my son with him on his own

Whatever you do, do not ever let him convince you to try (yet) again. Draw a line in the sand this time. Hope everything works out for you and your son.

Original poster
Lolill · 06/01/2026 20:03

I do have proof and family that have also seen what he’s been like and I even spoke to his mum and she even said that if he doesn’t help himself then he’s gonna grow to be a lonely man.

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Lmnop22 · 06/01/2026 19:59

Lolill · 06/01/2026 19:57

He passes out when he drinks though and he told me that he also wanted to make ago with our relationship because he didn’t want to lose us both but he constantly lets us down and then when he drinks he passes out hence why I can’t let him have his son on his own because if he drinks while having him then falls to sleep my son not going to be in a safe place!

This is why you need to have supervised contact. Can just be as simple as him and his mum take them to the park. But you can’t withhold access to his child altogether

Original poster
Lolill · 06/01/2026 19:59

He says everytime we have a discussion but he’s always convinced me that he will get help with his drinking and he wants to work on our relationship as well but he lets us down constantly and when he drinks he passes out hence why I can’t leave my son with him on his own

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CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 06/01/2026 19:57

Lolill · 06/01/2026 19:56

He passes out when he drinks

So thats why you need to specify supervised contact - so that there is another adult there to help keep your child safe.

Original poster
Lolill · 06/01/2026 19:57

He passes out when he drinks though and he told me that he also wanted to make ago with our relationship because he didn’t want to lose us both but he constantly lets us down and then when he drinks he passes out hence why I can’t let him have his son on his own because if he drinks while having him then falls to sleep my son not going to be in a safe place!

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Original poster
Lolill · 06/01/2026 19:56

He passes out when he drinks

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SugarCoatSandwich · 06/01/2026 19:51

He won't bother because he'll spend more time drinking and lose interest in fighting you amd for his child.

Its a great excuse to drink.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/01/2026 19:50

You need legal advice.

Screenshot any texts or evidence you have that indicate that he shouldn't be in charge of the child unsupervised.

Do you have any family support on either side?

PollyBell · 06/01/2026 19:39

You chose to have a child with this man so that child now has this as a father, it cannot now be a surprise to you that yes he will be allowed some form of contact