To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

You can change things but that means giving things up and that could mean giving up the dogs and other things you don’t want to do , resign from your job - the one with your husband. He can handle the audit in his own

and get the anemia sorted

but do something and since he doesn’t hear you it has to be shocking and impactful for you both

@LittleLapwing

I had to comment here, because I can feel your frustration, and understand it. I’ve been considering posting something myself, as our situations have similarities.. it’s just hard to know where to start.

So many of the responses I can relate to, and things you have said. I don’t know the answer or right way forward.

For me it has felt like the situation has become “the way it is” - a friend recently said it sounded like “I had let it become this way” because it’s so slowly happened, and I’ve felt like I can’t say anything due to the lifestyle the business provides… there is so much to it.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say, but I relate, I can hear everything you’re saying and could have written a lot of it myself.

It is an eye opener reading responses, as day to day it’s normal, but when you tell people or write it down, it somehow makes your feelings tangible, rather than just in your own head.

My H also has a way of making me think I’m over reacting, and has a “what more can he do” attitude… so I gave up attempting to communicate my feelings a while ago.

Hope you are feeling ok today.

OP @PurpleThistle7 has hit the nail the nail on the head “l
”And it’s really not normal to tell your husband you’re drowning and have him tell you than you need to be grateful for the opportunity”

I considered it as I think it’s totally unreasonable to have ended up in this situation and not see it’s totally insane. But then I read the follow ups and saw she’s just been systematically gaslit and treated appallingly and is broken.

OP I hope this thread is a wake up call to take steps to protect yourself and your kids from this.

I also thought wow, way too much too.

I suspect because of your Dh’s absolute certainty that his way is 100% right, you have been suckered slowly over the years into taking on way more than you should, and physically can.

The fact that you are so seriously over burdened with work and tasks and jobs, and still need to come onto Mumsnet to ask for validation I think is very telling.

I would suggest you go get some therapy. I say this because this is what happened to me. Different situation, but at the end of the day my ex H wouldn’t listen to me and only considered his views and thought he was 100% right and I was 100% wrong.

My therapist helped me untangle all my feelings and gave me understanding about my ex’s driving force. It did mean that when I knew the only option was divorce I was able to do it single minded.

Divorce may not be in your cards, but therapy will help you see, deep to your bones, that your feelings are valid and have value.

Otherwise, you will do what you have done before, and be back at square one this time next year.

My ex was also well liked and perceived as wonderful.

Apart from the fact no one should ever collect dogs they are living souls not stamps, but he can ‘collect’ them because he doesn’t need to look after them. If the care fell on him he would soon stop this ridiculous collecting nonsense. Stop enabling him. It’s easier said then done because your whole lives and income seem to be hinged on you but you will have to leave in order to live a life and not be an afterthought in his.

If you don't find a way to put the brakes on this insanely unbalanced situation, your body will! You'll suffer a collapse of some sort and what will happen to this whole house of cards then?

That's the reality.

As the late great Shirley Conran once said about a similar situation and a husband who chose not to comprehend "I thought the only way to show you what I do all day is not to do it"!

Good luck.

OP I have read some, not all of your posts. And please take what I say with kindness.

Not everyone is cut out for the entrepreneurial life or that of an entrepreneurs husband / wife. It really is a team effort. My husband and I own several businesses, we have hobbies, ponies, motorbikes, a holiday home, drive nice cars etc etc etc. However the difference I would say is that we are in it together. We chose this life because we are the same. We are both working flat out every day to have the life we do, sometimes my role is more domestic and his is more in the business but there is never a day when one of us feels like one is doing more than the other. We have both come from lower middle class families who worked for employers their whole lives and have chosen a different path. Every now and again, I have a bit of a wobble and just want something simpler and quieter and slower but I really do thrive on the pressure. You probably need to work out if your values are aligned. You can’t just be an employee and you can’t just see yourself as an employee either.

The other difference I can gauge is that we outsource a lot. This obviously means being financially able to do so. My time is more valuable in the business than doing cleaning or being a taxi for the kids etc.

If you’re expected to help in the business then you need to outsource the cleaning of the dogs, the house etc.

Would it be easier to find an admin person first. At least you could walk the dogs & enjoy it.
I dont mean to sound unkind, but assuming you set off from home, & not in a trailer full of dog crates, walking 7 dogs is not much different from walking one.
although the mucking out is more time consuming clearly.
I suggest you write down a time table of all your daily tasks.
6.00-7.00 admin
7.00- 7.30 feed dogs
7.30- 8.30, kids up, fed, prepped, school
8.30-10.00 mucking out, dogs/ponys
10.00-12-00 cleaning up, food shop, laundry, dog walk
etc. etc. Give it to him, tell him you may be living in the lap of luxury, but actually you are just Cinderella.
You didn’t ask him to do 3 jobs. Working away leaving 100% responsibility on your shoulders.
You didn’t ask for poneys, 6 spaniels ( does he even shoot?) & a fucking manor in the boonies., oh & with no salary, or Directir status I imagine. This is of his creation & you are left spinning all the planets in the whole universe
So, You are going to resume your job, get paid, he will have to resolve the horse, pony, & his own admin problems that he has created.
Drop the rope.

This isn't marriage- it's slavery.
If he is such a successful entrepreneur, he needs to hire actual staff. That he pays. If the business isn't doing well enough to fund this, then he needs to find another business.
It just sounds like Billy Big Bollox likes having someone he can work to death without having to pay them. Which is slavery,

Who the hell are the 3% who voted OP is being unreasonable?? Seriously!

How does “he” collect dogs if you are caring for them? He needs to be told you are willing to leave if he doesn’t step up as a husband and father.

This all built up gradually so you need to dismantle gradually. Talk to kids if old enough and re-home ponies first. Dogs next.

As another poster said, don't consult him, maybe a warning. That's kinder to the dogs since you wouldn't be walking them any more.

Give warning to employees if need be and "quit" the business.

This one might come after finding your on job.

I would not be helping him, your life has been built around his for too long, he won’t change without hard work. I’d be thinking about your life and future now.

I appreciate that this probably all happened slowly enough that you didn’t quite realise how ridiculous it was until now. So no need to feel bad about that - you’ve been in a very unequal and quite problematic relationship for way too long and will need support to get out of it

I also appreciate that he’s not a monster, but he’s also no good for you. He does nothing for your benefit and he has ruined far too much of your life. It’s not normal to opt out of parenting multiple children, it’s not normal to have 7 dogs and multiple ponies without some sort of massive estate setup with several members of staff à la Downton Abbey, it’s not normal to have a job and another job and another job you didn’t ask for and do at midnight. And it’s really not normal to tell your husband you’re drowning and have him tell you than you need to be grateful for the opportunity.

He is a bad person. You need to extract yourself from this mess. You’ll likely find the financial loss doesn’t even matter once you shed all these ridiculous commitments.

Well I would get the spaniels to fuck for a start. That's madness.
Then get your own career. If the big man business man is so great then he can organise his own business. What you are able to do seems impossible to me. Nevermind the anaemia.

He tells you you live like a queen.
In reality, what he’s done is effectively collected dogs, ponies, businesses, nice cars, kids and a wife - all so he can show the world how successful he is. Everyone and everything in his life is a status symbol. You are an employee of his, nothing more.

Will anyone die if you spend today making a plan to rehome the dogs and ponies? Genuinely, will anyone die? Because I think you need some perspective here. If nobody is going to die, then make that your priority TODAY. If that man you’re married to doesn’t like it - what does that really matter? He doesn’t like you at all, anyway.
If the ponies and dogs were not your choice and you were not consulted - because employees generally aren’t - then rehome asap. The example you will then set to your children is that you (and women in general) have boundaries and these are not to be crossed. You are their mother and his wife and not the hired help. You deserve the respect that comes with that. Otherwise, I fear you are setting your children up to think mothers and women in general are worthy of nothing more than being The Help, while men get to enjoy the fruits of their labour on their terms.

Plan to rehome pets without consultation with him today, then tomorrow, unless somebody is otherwise going to die if you don’t do all those things on your list, start making plans to leave him.

You only come this way once. Make it matter.

You have to find some way to get you and your kids out of this situation for your sanity. Start making discrete plans to leave. If he is away a lot, that will give you a window of opportunity. Find a charity that will take the dogs, a new livery for the ponies,
Do you have access to your own money? Make sure you have enough to cover a year or two of expenses whilst you establish a new life.
He doesn’t sound like he listens to you at all. How can someone so successful be so oblivious to what is happening at home? There’s no love or compassion there, from what you write