To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

Christ on a bike

The dogs HAVE to go

Tell your DH that you are rehoming them and even if he gets them back you will not be doing their care. So they will not be fed or walked unless HE does it. They are HIS dogs what makes him think you should be doing their care?

Do NOT do the admin for his businesses, do not do the recruitment, part of owning a business is finding staff, that’s his job. If he can’t manage his own business then the business has to go. And you all lead a more frugal life as a result. So be it.

Put your bloody foot down!!! Say no! Stop being a slave!

I suspect the OP has been looking at people who advertise services as small businesses, instead of looking for a proper employee (except perhaps for the husband's businesses).
You won't get a self-employed dog walker to travel to the middle of nowhere for a couple of hours. But you could employ someone for a significant amount of hours at a decent salary - if you can afford to be an employer with all the on-costs

I think too that when you're looking for employees you're looking for the wrong ones.
You don't need "a cleaner, a dog walker, someone to poo-pick the ponies field twice a week, an admin assistant".

You need a housekeeper/mother's help who you can ask to do anything from the cleaning and laundry to the weekly supermarket shop or ferrying the DC around to whatever hobbies they do.

Then you need an equestrian groom who's also willing to do dog care, so you do absolutely nothing with these pets day to day. Someone you can get to do everything from taking a dog to the vets when injured to stacking the barn with the winter hay delivery, as well as all the basic daily tasks including cleaning out and exercising them.

You probably need each of these people for at least 6hrs a day and since they're going to need to be responsible and not have you breathing down their neck micromanaging them or supervising them, you need to pay more than minimum wage.

And lastly you need an office manager type person to help across all the businesses doing whatever needs doing, including standing in for anyone off sick. This is possibly going to be a full time position, or at least 6hrs/day and again, as need to be able to work unsupervised you'll need to pay more than minimum wage.

I suspect you've basically been looking for "something for nothing" which is why you can't find anyone.

Nobody wants to travel any distance to a job that's only for a couple hours, involves doing only the worst/most difficult/out in all the weathers type of tasks and pays a pittance. For a start the wages doesn't cover the travel costs with enough left over to make it worthwhile.

And anyone who's as suitable and as dedicated as you need them to be can easily find a position with more hours. Very few people who want to work, only want to work for a few hours a week. Nobody wants that many multiple jobs because it means you effectively get no time off.

All the holidays are pro-rata as a part time employee so instead of the standard 28 days for full time work, it ends up being 10-15 days allowance depending on hours worked. It's also almost impossible to get all the various jobs to give you the same days off, whether we're talking annual leave or just the two days a week you're not working.

So the reality is, if you have a collection of small jobs a few hours each, you're lucky if you have one day per week where you don't work at all. And you can basically never go on holiday because you can't get time off from them all at once, so your annual leave becomes a few hours less work per day rather than an actual day off from all jobs.

In a sentence - you are going to be the most spoilt, privileged wife in the graveyard.

You have to be "hard" to make a difference to your life. Your DC would be far more devastated if their mother became so seriously unwell she couldn't be a mother any more and was permanently in bed or worse, dead. You are working yourself into the ground and it has to stop. Your health is of greater priority than others feelings.

The dogs have to go. Tell him either he employs someone to do all their care - and this means contacting an agency and sorting it out tomorrow, so they start next Monday - or he has to sell/re-home them. If neither happens, put them in kennels, pay for a week, don't return to collect them. He can pay the bill and deal with the dogs when he returns. If he tries to dump them back on you, do it again. If you can't find a kennels to take them, then yes you'll have to stop feeding them etc and call a welfare charity/RSPCA or something. You're too ill to look after them, they're not your dogs anyway and that's that. The charity will have to speak to DH about them and come to some arrangement with what to do. Just reiterate that you won't be having anything to do with their care at all. Not even for one day "while he finds someone to care for them" because you know damned well he won't and it'll be just words to get the charity to leave him alone.

"The kids have been through enough" and "he'll be nasty if I leave" aren't reasons to stay in an abusive marriage, which is what yours is. Ultimately the only way to stop the abuse is to leave, you already know that. He's currently an absolute bastard to you and you're only getting this nicer version of him because you're sucking it all up and doing what he wants. But you're working yourself into an early grave in the process!

What do you think he'll do when you're permanently disabled with at least one chronic illness and can barely do anything? Yeh, that's right, he'll start by having an affair won't he? Then he'll leave you for someone healthier and more fun, in awe of him and the lifestyle he can provide her, willing to run around and do his bidding because she hasn't yet realised how he'll use her up and spit her out just like he has done to you.

Give the DC an ultimatum too, either they do all care for their ponies or those are being sold too. Ponies aren't a hobby they're a lifestyle. The DC either want that lifestyle or they don't. If all they want is to ride, they can go to an equestrian centre and pay per hour. If that means you can only afford for them to ride once a month then so be it. Issuing an ultimatum will weed out which of your DC actually wants the horsey lifestyle and which isn't all that fussed.

If they go to live in at college or university in later teen years, the pony goes with them into the student riding school section of the place.

It may also be that there's other owners living locally to you who'd welcome one of your competent DC as a part-loaner for their pony, so the DC would have less tasks per week but could ride a few times too and it wouldn't cost much. But only if they can get themselves there and back without your input.

Nothing is going to change in your life (other than your health going downhill) unless you make the changes. There's no magic option whereby everything becomes easier without you challenging him at all. Or without you putting the practicalities of life above your DC wishes. Your needs come before their wants.

I suspect you are looking for people who are advertising these services as small businesses.
People who comfortably live the life your DH aspires to employ staff. They are employers, and pay all the employers NI, sick pay, pensions, and everything else that goes with being an employer.
Your DH probably can't afford this. He is trying to live a fantasy life on the cheap, and destroying your health in the process.

Do you have access to the money? Could you go ahead and employ a home help on say 10% above minimum wage for 20 or 30 hours a week, as a proper employee?
I suspect not, because he would hit the roof, because the money is just not there.

You need to cut, cut, cut.
Re-home the dogs and horses. Yes, the DC will cry their eyes out - tough, this is a life lesson.
Stop doing anything for his businesses. Let him sort it. He will probably get ill again - fine. He doesn't care when you are ill.
Let the businesses fail. Let him go into bankruptcy. Let the house be sold so that you all move back to a sensible sized house in a town.

The only other option is divorce
(or carrying on as you are until you are hospitalised).

It sounds to me like you cannot see the wood for the trees. People are trying to give you advice, and you are so bogged down by all these responsibilities, that you literally can't see a way out.

When someone gets to the end of their tether, they often walk away, leaving their loved ones to deal with the mess they've left in their wake. For example, a person may have got themselves into deep debt, but rather than talking to their family, and asking for help to deal with it, they walk away. Or, they may have committed a crime, feel they can't face prison, so disappear, with no thought whatsoever to the mess they're leaving their family in.

In a way, this is what your husband is doing, he's burying his head in the sand, because he has over committed himself, and has made himself ill by doing so, and then, rather than saying 'I can't do all this, what can I drop' and maybe selling a business, or all businesses, and putting himself in a situation where he can take stock and start over, he has handed over all the problems to you, and walked away to carry on doing the bits he enjoys.

You have now reached the same point, you're over committed, and don't know which way to turn. It seems he won't talk about it, or face up to the problems, so I think your only solution, is to do what he's done, and literally take your children, and walk away.

You say that you've worked hard for a career, which I'm assuming means that you shouldn't have too much trouble starting over. So I think the best thing you can do, is wait until there is enough money in the pot for you to be able to rent a property somewhere that's not rural, so that your teens can become more self reliant, and leave your husband to sort out the mess that he has created. Then file for divorce.

I know that reading this, you will think I am simplifying things too much, but it's because YOU can't see the wood for the trees. I hope this helps.

I offered to help in the business because it was making him ill.

I had a full on mental breakdown 18 months ago which he just ignored.

I’ve got an infusion booked.

I feel fairly sure he would leave the kids alone rather than miss work.

So - when he is ill, you move heaven and earth to help him. But when you were ill he pretended it wasn't happening. And you are now still so ill that you need a blood infusion.

Play out this scenario in your mind: you collapse, and are kept in hospital for a month, or two months. What would he do? Don't just say "I don't know" - really think it through. What would he do?
Would he phone up relatives to come and stay? His parents? Would he pay whatever it took to get employed help? Call an agency for emergency domestic help instead of a long recruitment process? Take the kids to work with him and tell some other employee to mind them? (Does he have any other employees?) Tell a social worker to take the kids into care? Leave the kids alone for days and nights while he works away? Neglect the animals and hope no-one rats him out to the RSPCA?

Once you have worked out what he would do - consider, can you still love a man who does this?

Most of your replies on this post make you out to be helpless - you feel like you can't change anything, and are waiting for him to change.
He won't change.
He won't change a single damn thing until you are gone - either into hospital or you leave him (with or without the kids).
So your choice: leave him, stay and make the changes, or carry on until you are hospitalised.

Note - it is always possible to get paid help, you just have to pay enough. If you advertised for someone to travel to your house in the middle of nowhere to walk the dogs twice a day, feed them and clean them out, but for £30k salary per year, you would get takers.
Same for getting him help in his business - advertise a higher salary. Keep advertising at higher pay rates until you find someone.

Can you give DH an ultimatum - ‘if you don’t look after the dogs I’ll sell them/ give them away?’ And really mean it? Your life sounds, quite honestly, like my worst nightmare. My DH tries occasionally to make me help him with his business or take on more pets. I say no and let him sulk and he gets over it. I have to have quality me time, I work full time (more hours than him) and do most household tasks as it is and I can just about manage that. What you’re existing in sounds hellish. I wish you all the best OP, you sound like a great person who is being seriously take advantage of.

If he won’t listen then show him. Film “a day in my life”. Yes, more work for you in the short term but this man obviously has no idea and doesn’t want to because it means he will have to make the effort to make those changes. Don’t forget to show the dog poo pick ups and what a mess they’ve made of your garden. I have two dogs and that’s more than enough. Also the ponies and work they create. Film every single thing and make him watch. Not sure what this man brings to the table apart from material things. Ignoring your mental breakdown tells you everything you need to know imo

Ask yourself "will anyone literally die if this task isn't done?" If the answer is "no", then leave it undone. When you've done all the "yes" tasks, go back to bed. Repeat for at least a week until you're less exhausted. Let it all fall apart and the wheels fall off. You're not his slave and you don't have to become even more ill just to save his skin. Go. To. Bed.

They are not his dogs
you own the jointly as you are married

you give him a weeks notice because you can’t mange the dogs so if he has a choice in the matter

you could point out that when you leave you won’t take them with uou

Better to leave with nothing and claim nothing in the divorce than permanently wreck your health.

How rural do you live? How big is your property?

So fucking what. If he said you were the lost princess Anastasia would you believe him?

1. can you get rid of the dogs? Tell him they’re gone, you can sell them or you can take them to the pound. I’m sorry, but you and your dc need to cope
2. Tell him you will not do anything for his business until he does 50% fi the home life and no traveling for a year. You have your own career and he has no support for that or his family so you cannot do anytit for his business. Drop it, let it go, don’t check an email, don’t ‘just’ anything. If it fails it fails. If it was so dependent on your contribution then his business should fail, if the stress is killing him step back, you can’t step back from caring for your children but he’s an adult. He didn’t care about your breakdown, channel that ‘I give no fucks about you’ straight back, and STOP.

Id love to just stop looking after the dogs, but how does that work? I’ve walked them this morning. Do I not walk them or feed them tonight? Can’t do it I’m afraid. No one could.
Ditto rehome the animals. The children have been through enough shit I can’t take their ponies away to prove a point they would be devastated.

OP, you are making a deliberate decision here. I know it feels like you are the victim of circumstances but you are not powerless. Just accept that you are faced with a decision and you are making a choice which keeps everyone happy. Yes, maybe even including you because you then avoid feeling guilty for neglecting dogs and upsetting children and that seems like a better option for you than to have a less pressured life. That's OK to make that decision as long as you understand what you are doing.

From where I am standing, however, "devastated children" are probably better than a significantly ill mother. They are teens and tween so they seem perfectly capable of looking after a pony. They need to learn that having things/pets comes with responsibilities. If they want to keep ponies, they need to look after them. If they don't want to have a responsibility of looking after them, they don't get to have a pony. And this choice needs to be presented to them so they get to make a decision.

Same with the dogs. The husband is to be informed that you no longer looking after them. You certainly don't have to do it when he is around. I'd feed them because I am not a monster but I wouldn't walk them. Again, when I did that to my partner, he found a solution within two days because he knew I meant what I said.

And the third choice is to simply step away from his business and go back to your career, You'll be amazed how quickly everyone finds a solution to their problems when mum is no longer available to slave 24/7.

I'm really sorry but if you aren't willing to make things uncomfortable for anyone than this will just continue - you have to decide if you prioritise everyone else or prioritise yourself for even a little bit of time. There's no magic solution that is pain free after decades of being treated terribly unfortunately.

Your kids are old enough to be realistic. They must see how ridiculous this all is by now and if they aren't going to take ownership of any of it, then they need to make a choice about priorities in their own lives. Watching you drive yourself into an early grave won't benefit them either.

Not this one, I've suggested she leaves him. He sounds like a total arse 👍

Reading through the replies since I posted last night, and I can sense how overwhelmed and frustrated you are.

Look at other people who live the 'country estate' lifestyle with dogs, horses etc- the wives aren't running around doing it all themselves & also helping out in the businesses, to the point of nervous breakdown. They have staff.

Tell your DH you either get staff in for the running of the house or you resign from businesses. Simple.

Actually - before you do that - what do YOU want? What would you like to spend your days doing? You might like caring for the dogs, ponies, house, kids etc - in which case you need to step back from the businesses. Or vice versa - get some proper domestic help (not just a dogwalker!) so you can throw yourself into the businesses.

Or maybe you want to do neither of those. Something to think about.

Don't let your DH dictate what you should be grateful for - this is your life, you're not his slave.

Just the idea of cleaning up 6 loads of dog shit every day makes me want to cry. Let alone the pony shit.

The problem is that staff are much more readily found in urban areas than in the countryside. Finding a reliable, responsible, competent person to look after animals in the countryside is really, really difficult. I know because I have tried.

I’ve now taken the time to read most of the comments and the OPs replies.

Being a business owner, a successful one or at least one that allows you a lifestyle where you have all the things OP has mentioned is meant to offer you a better life than if you were employed as a salaried person and it should allow you to employ those salaried persons! You need staff OP!

We all only have 24 hours in a day and whilst some people (particularly entrepreneurs) can do more in those 24 hours a lot of that comes down to staff and outsourcing! There are certain jobs which have been created purely out of the need for people who can 1. Afford them and 2. Need someone else to do it for them
Aupairs, drivers, cleaners, gardeners, yard staff…

You don’t mention how successful you and your husband are but given you have ponies, motorbikes, dogs etc I would imagine that you should be able to afford some help. If you can’t then you really have to ask yourself how successful your business is if it takes up all your time (and his) and you cannot afford the things that will make your life tenable.

He is spectacularly selfish, and probably will never appreciate the toll this is taking on you. Sounds bad enough without the six dogs!!
Your breakdown is a big hint that you need to get off the treadmill, and his response to that shows how little he actually cares.
It'll be a massive step for you, but I think you should leave him.