To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

You can leave him

you can’t open his eyes but you can leave

since you mention the kids you probably shouldn’t just walk out the door but start by gathering your information - bank details, income flows, passports and the like - do that this week

next week - think how you will manage financially. Look at local rents -what can you afford on your salary ( you mention your career ) - can you leave before divorce and financial settlements are sorted? There are lots of ways of cutting this - could the kids stay with dad short term while you live / sleep elsewhere ? Do you have family to stay with for overnights?

two weeks time - resign from any support to any of his work and tell him you are getting divorced. and be ready for the fall out. But stay firm.

edit - fly little lapwing ! Wha an appropriate name!

edit 2 leave all animals behind - the kids can come
and visit them anytime anyway

You have raised your children in quite difficult circumstances so that’s not a waste

but he won’t change - he wants someone different to you and you want a life

you need to think about walking away

it’s probably not what you want to think about but if the other half of a marriage won’t respect you then you need to respect yourself

walk away

edit to add - it didn’t matter what narrative he will give to that - you know he is wrong and that’s all that matters

That sounds so bad @LittleLapwing

Things within her control that are making her miserable.

What would you have her change?

But she does want him to change.

Whilst she won't change herself.

OP this is why strikes exist. Tell DH you are on strike until he starts taking responsibility for these animals and stepping up as a father. Making money at his business is not his only responsibility. Tell him you are officially on strike and if he doesn’t sort his own shit out it won’t be happening. Put your feet up and stick to it.

Or just leave this using arsehole. He is clearly happy with you being his Bang Maid Secretary. No thanks, no appreciation, no Christmas bonus. That’s just your job. He can pile as much on your plate as he likes because you won’t kick back. You’re the woman, it’s what you have to do. Get a grip, with kindness. Find your bloody anger.

All good points! I certainly agree with last paragraph that op should be very wary of leaving it so late to leave that she no longer has earning potential.

Start calmly making a plan to leave. Don't discuss this with him. Look at your finances, see a solicitor. Does your job enable you to survive financially? With the ages of your children - I'm guessing you won't need childcare much longer? They can be happy with a new life where you also have the chance to be happy. You are a person with wants and needs like everyone else - not an appliance existing to support every one else. You can take your time to plan. Again, don't discuss with him.

Ok you can get out of this but there is no gain without pain. You need to work out what you are willing to put up with to get what you want. It is clear that your husband isn't going to change. It doesn't matter whether he is being fair to you or not (clearly not) because you have already told him all this and he won't change so let's ditch the idea of getting that to happen. So you are left with:

• Make your own changes regardless of impact

• Make smaller changes that will be less impactful and may or may not help you

The big things sound like the animals. Those are jobs that you don't want to do and don't have time to do. That means either the teens / husband take on 100% of the work for their animals (including finding their own paid help if they need to) or you rehome them. This may trigger divorce but it gets you out of the work.

Ditto with office work for your husbands businesses. You don't HAVE TO do it. It might feel that way but you can always say no and mean it. Again there will be fall-out but it might be worth it long term.

The easiest way would possibly be to divorce husband, weather everyone's short term displeasure and long term gain peace.

Small changes might be to keep chasing better treatment for your anemia and get a dog walker for as many walks as possible and try to push back more gently with your husband. I'm not sure how much it will help you though.

for me1 dog would be enough to leave

I see what you mean @Getoutandwalk542 but she's not really going to be able to get better though, unless she changes her life and stops working to the point of exhaustion and putting herself last all the time. All that will happen is what is happening now, one health issue after another, until the day her body packs up functioning properly permanently.

It's also not her first post about this situation I don't think, I'm sure I remember a previous one, possibly when she had her breakdown before. It would seem nothing has changed at all from then.

She's stuck in the "I can't take control over my own life and health because xyz" stage of the thought process, not yet realising that the "xyz" is all complete bullshit. Until she overcomes this she won't be able to make progress.

She's already become ill twice, so goodness knows where she's going to draw the line. I expect too late, when her health deteriorates to the point she's feeling like she's too wrecked to actually leave without help. It's so much harder to move out and rent when you have no ability to work any more.

Part of me wants to say go ahead an have a nervous breakdown so he realises what it's like. However, that is not a wise response!

Anemia is definitely first on the list,

Then a process of working out what you care about and fighting for it. I echo a PP- you have to be "hard (as iron?)" to make a difference to your life.

If you have horses and dogs and live rurally I suspect that you live on a large enough property…

Should you not have a full time employee (possibly live in) to assist with dogs and mucking of horses and general stuff around the property?

I think this is a little unfair!

Women are often socialised to prioritise other people’s wellbeing and take one for the team.

And in a relationship where one person is dominant and the main breadwinner, and travelling constantly, the sahp is often stuck in a caring role and doing what is good for everyone else and not necessarily herself, because if they are decent people, they wrongly assume that their dh is equally decent and cares about their happiness as much as he cares about himself and his own career trajectory.

Also, once the earning capacity of the sahp diminishes upon the arrival of dc because their spouse is travelling, it shouldn’t be the case, but their confidence and ability to make decisions unilaterally sometimes diminishes too.

To change your life around in many important ways is a long process and op realising that things can’t continue as they are atm is just the first step. She is also not fully healthy atm; iron deficiency can make you feel very weak at the best of times. Personally I think she needs to get better first and then tackle each issue step by step.

A lot of admin can be done remotely, perhaps you would have better luck with a virtual/remote assistant to take over that side of things? You would have access to more candidates and could streamline/set things up to be more digital if not already.

It amazes me how often posters like OP want other people to change but refuse to change their own behaviour.

You need to draw a hard line as you’re just a skivvy at the moment. Get rid of the dogs and the pony to start and grey rock about this. After this, pull out all of the stops to get a cleaner/home help and someone to help with the business admin. Once all of this is sorted, get your own career back on track - you will need the independence. He can’t stop you doing all of this but it sounds like he will make life difficult for you so start squirrelling away money in an account so you have enough for a deposit and rent for a while to tide you all over in case you end up separating.

It sounds like he's pissed around and has failed to raise his children, support his wife or provide financially.