To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

OK. I came very near to tipping over the edge last year, and just about clawed it back.

You know this is an emergency situation - you need to recognise that, and go on emergency-only mode. Only do what is critical, and only for you/kids/animals.

1 - get the iron sorted. I was also anaemic (due to horrendous periods) I started taking iron, and saw a peri-menopause doctor and got ablation/mirena. I'm no longer sleeping 10 hours a night and needing an afternoon nap. It's made a massive, massive difference.
2 - meal rota, meals in the freezer - just do it. The kids will survive for a month on freezer meals - it'll be fine. Get them to zap one for you when they zap one for themselves.
3 - downtime before bed - it feels like you're wasting your time, that you could be doing something, but fixing sleep makes everything more possible.
4 - is the cleaner good? Do you like her? What else can she do for you if so?
5 - no DIY or decorating or anything non-immediately required.
6 - anything you can automate, automate. AI has started to really improve some aspects of my job (I'm in IT management) - but I appreciate that means you need time to watch videos/set stuff up.
7 - and this one's important - stop doing anything that's just for him - if you're doing his washing/ironing/tax returns/his car MOT just hand it to him. (this was the beginning of the end of my relationship when I did this 6 years ago, but it was necessary)
8 - don't go back to overloading yourself when you start to feel a little bit better - you need to get this well under control and then slowly re-introduce (ideally once you've got some automation in so the things you do are faster)

All your posts are focussed on your husband and how in reasonable he is and trying to understand him.
You need to accept that he is never going to change, he will never acknowledge the demands he places on you or how
much work you do.
The good news is that you don’t need him to, his opinion is irrelevant, worthless in fact.
You don’t need his permission to change your life. Stop waiting for it.
Did you ever get the therapy that your GP suggested?

OP, you have wasted your life.
And continue to do so.

Only you can chsnge this.
Who cares what he says zbout you.
You will be free.
Get legsl advice.
Start planning.
Your health sounds on the way out.
When it finally does go, he will be nowhere to be seen.

Wake up before it's too late.

I simply couldn't live like this.
I can't get past the comment about your breakdown which he ignored.
I would have to leave, I'm sorry.
He sounds awful, sorry you're going through this.

This is awful OP. Just in case you were still wondering if it was a "you" problem (it isn't), I'll tell you what I do in my life:

• Job (4 days a week, busy job)
• Two kids, who DP helps with
• Two cats
• Housework, which DP helps with

That is plenty for me!!

Things I would not do/have as I don't have time:

• Dogs
• Ponies/horses
• Helping with anyone else's business
• Pretty much anything else

You definitely are expected to do far too much

That’s naive op.

you mean you couldn’t be that callous and cruel.

but he can. And is being so.

No it won’t. They’re old enough to look after themselves. Have you not seen those memes where the dad comes home to a complete shit show and you say ‘you know that you think I do nothing all day? Well today I did that,’

Divorce isn’t failure. On the contrary. It’s success to remove yourself and your children from this shit show.

There isn’t a grown up alive who says ‘thank goodness my parents stayed together so that I could watch my father treat my mother like shit every single day.’

I think the very first thing you need to understand to get out of this utter mess and in to a better place, is to understand that he is 💯 not a nice person at all. He is vile. He treats you like a slave, and then gas lights you in to pretending it’s your fault. That is fucking evil. He absolutely knows full well how much you do, of course he does he isn’t an idiot, but he just doesn’t care. I know that’s tough to take on board but I don’t think there’s a route out until you realise that the entire problem is him.

you say you don’t have money, but I think you said you’re married and you have ponies. Yiu have at least half of every single asset either of you own. At least half.

I would be mustering all my energy up as quickly as possible, as I think the longer you take, the harder it will be, to see a solicitor, do some digging, and break free of this goddawful man.

Could you take the kids away for a five days over half term? Leave him to cope with the dogs? That might be a start for him to see what you do. But this isn't sustainable, you sound utterly desperate. Have you seen your GP? It sounds as if you need to.

Divorcing isn’t failing - it’s recognising things have gone badly wrong and you need to change path an take control of your life

yes the kids would prefer no divorce but what kind of life messsge are you giving them ? That’s is ok to expect the wife to run herself to a breakdown ? Think of your DDs or future DILs if you won’t think of yourself

and no just because he seems nice to others - it’s often only the wife who knows the true man

socks up love

I don’t know what to say, it sounds intolerable. It’s worrying that you sound so very low and trapped. Could you take to your bed, or failing that, to make your point, go away? I fear if you don’t do something your body or your mind will remove the choice from you 😔

Let him be ill, surely? This is the life he seemingly wants, with complete disregard for the impact it has on his wife and children. Choose better for yourself and leave him to it.

OP marriage is not an altar we sacrifice our lives at. I really don’t understand why you don’t get divorced. He sounds bloody awful and you sound destroyed. Do you have IRL support to talk to?

He just won’t see it. If we break up the narrative will be ‘I sacrificed all my time to work to give her nice things, despite her doing nothing all day but patting ponies, and now she’s left with my money.’
Well let that be the narrative that he uses then, you know it's not true.
You sound as if you are heading for another breakdown. What will happen then? Who will do all that you do?

ok

I suspect you will be able to work once you are back on your feet. Given how strong you clearly are

how much assets does the family have - will that see you through a couple of years to get on your feet / house you ? Or will you have to ge him chucked out ?

you have to escape - you are not a slave

I don’t know what to advise but I really feel for you LittleLapwing 💐

I think it might be worth talking to a solicitor and seeing what your options are at the very least.

I don’t understand, if your dh is a reasonably successful entrepreneur, why you can’t buy in more help? To look after the dogs, to do more admin, etc? I know it’s not easy to find the right people but has he really tried? It’s good you refused to do the work bc at least that might prompt him to take on more staff if he lost a deal over it.

Please know that you are not alone 💐 My dh also runs his own business and was out last night and is at a meeting again this morning and over lunch. It’s hard after a week when I have barely seen him. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be single because at least then I would have full autonomy and wouldn’t expect to be seeing him!

My dh doesn’t criticise me all of the time though. It sounds as though your dh is treating you like one of his company assets rather than his wife.

Why did he ignore you all night yesterday? That’s really unpleasant!

I know it’s hard to make the first steps to leave but you need to ask yourself if you think this situation is realistically going to improve?

Please don’t leave it too long to make a change, or until you get too old to create your own satisfying life.

Good luck op 💐