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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop DS changing his registered carer from me to his GF?

113 replies

Agiraffecalledbow · 06/01/2026 19:00

Pretty much that.
Ds stays at his GFs family home two nights a week. The rest of the time he is home. He has a learning disability and autism.
There has been suggestion recently that GF become his registered carer so that GF can claim carers allowance because she is on on a low income and getting few hours at work. To be transparent apart from accompanying DS on the odd day out and attending one appointment I am doing everything, all forms, all admin, all his household stuff, all appointments, all correspondance with medical teams and the usual things carers do.

AIBU to refuse to remove myself from registered carer unless GF is willing to do all the care he actually needs?

OP posts:
Original poster
Agiraffecalledbow · 06/01/2026 19:21

22 and 26 (GF is the older one).
They have been together around 15 months. No reason she cannot get more hours.

Between their time spent at GF house and her being here they probably do spend 35 hours together (just) if you could hours at night when they are asleep. Actual caring though no. Even when he is not here he is constantly messaging me for assistance with things and i am still sorting his things at home.

DS has started telling me she is going to appointments with him instead of me (which I have zero issue with) but that does not equate to 35 hours of care.

OP posts:
FamilyGuise · 06/01/2026 19:17

I’d write it all down. List everything that you do and that you are responsible for.

Daily tasks. Weekly tasks. The periodic but time-consuming and stressful reviews like PIP and LCWRA. The accompanying to appointments. The legal requirements and responsibilities. All of it.

See how she likes them apples.

Bobiverse · 06/01/2026 19:16

Is he capable of consenting to a relationship? Because she sounds dangerous and really bad for him, she isn’t exactly a catch and now she is trying to use him for money. Is he able to recognise these issues?
I’d be really concerned about him being with her at all.

Mmmkaay · 06/01/2026 19:15

Whose suggestion was it?

Climbinghigher · 06/01/2026 19:15

ClassicalQueen · 06/01/2026 19:09

Does she provide 35 hours worth of care? If not she is ineligible. Is there no reason she can’t work more hours? I’d be worried she’s looking for a meal ticket.

You can only work a certain number of hours a week if claiming CA. So it would prevent her working more.

CeciliaMars · 06/01/2026 19:11

Absolutely not unreasonable. Does he understand what the carers' allowance is actually for? You need to clearly explain to him what the money goes towards. If he doesn't understand this, I would suggest he doesn't have the capacity to make this decision anyway. And I would proceed extremely cautiously with the girlfriend...

TheMorgenmuffel · 06/01/2026 19:11

Suggest to her that she takes over for a month to see how she gets on and then decide if she can do it all.

Make it clear that if she is going to claim then she has to be doing it and if she doesnt then you will have to report it.

outerspacepotato · 06/01/2026 19:10

That would be a no.

How old are they and how long in a relationship?

If he moves out and all his paperwork and appointments and all care is done by someone else, sure. But right now he's at yours most of the time and you do the work. It's also not a permanent legal relationship and she could bail and changing the carer back would be a lot of work.

This also shows that one or both of them are looking to screw you financially and likely the work won't get done or you'll still be expected to do it.

So no.

PrettyPickle · 06/01/2026 19:10

It sounds ot me like your son is being taken advantage of here and I think you need to sit him down and explain what you do for him and how that money helps support you to do that so if his girlfriend wants to be his carer, she needs to do it all, it is not selective.

NotnowMildrid · 06/01/2026 19:09

YANBU
If you are doing all the work, then you should definitely get it.

sundaysurfing · 06/01/2026 19:09

I think your suggestion is fair. If she wants to be his registered carer, she needs to do the care. She may be genuine and could end up being his wife one day.

ClassicalQueen · 06/01/2026 19:09

Does she provide 35 hours worth of care? If not she is ineligible. Is there no reason she can’t work more hours? I’d be worried she’s looking for a meal ticket.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/01/2026 19:05

Grifter comes to mind. I'd be worried for ds.