Page 4 | To stop DS changing his registered carer from me to his GF?

Agiraffecalledbow · 2026-01-06T19:00:50+00:00

Pretty much that. Ds stays at his GFs family home two nights a week. The rest of the time he is home. He has a learning disability and autism. There has been suggestion recently that GF become his registered carer so that GF can claim carers allowance because she is on on a low income and getting few hours at work. To be transparent apart from accompanying DS on the odd day out and attending one appointment I am doing everything, all forms, all admin, all his household stuff, all appointments, all correspondance with medical teams and the usual things carers do. AIBU to refuse to remove myself from registered carer unless GF is willing to do all the care he actually needs?

Binglebong · 06/01/2026 20:58

Agiraffecalledbow · 06/01/2026 20:37

I completely agree..My problem from past experience is any push back from me in this area results in him completely pushing away and shutting down towards me, putting himself in an even more vulnerable position so I am having to tread very carefully.

Show quote history

Can you appear to enthusiastically agree and helpfully write down all you do? Give her the list and offer to go through things with her, give them both a date when you will stop and mean it, redirecting him to her every single time. Including saying that you are going out so he will need to go to her house not to be alone etc. They'll change their minds pretty quickly.

Passaggressfedup · 06/01/2026 20:55

Do they live together then? Ultimately, he is an adult, is in a consentual relationship, she is independent enough she could get a degree, she should be able to look after him.

Just make it clear that you'll be working and therefore she'll need to do the caring FT, not you.

I think it shows he is prepared to start adult life away from mum which is great. Obviously you'll need to keep an eye that she is indeed providing the care.

Abouttoblow · 06/01/2026 20:55

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 06/01/2026 20:36

And she has a degree but the ds has such severe learning difficulties he cannot be left.

This does not make any sense at all.

Show quote history

Why doesn't it make sense? Be specific.

chocaholic73 · 06/01/2026 20:48

Can you raise your concerns with your son's social worker? It does sound as if your son is extremely vulnerable and open to exploitation.

Original poster

Agiraffecalledbow · 06/01/2026 20:45

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 06/01/2026 20:36

And she has a degree but the ds has such severe learning difficulties he cannot be left.

This does not make any sense at all.

Show quote history

She is very immature for her age imo and I would not be shocked if she was on the spectrum herself.
Her needs are no where near DSs level though and it does bother me why she was interested, particularly as they had known each several years before.

OP posts:

Original poster

Agiraffecalledbow · 06/01/2026 20:37

mumonthehill · 06/01/2026 20:33

I really think that there are serious issues here if your ds is in supported work and cannot be left alone in the house he is very vulnerable and as such her wanting to take money from him without actually doing or understanding the care he needs is a huge red flag. I think you need to think carefully about what you do next but you need to safeguard him.

I completely agree..My problem from past experience is any push back from me in this area results in him completely pushing away and shutting down towards me, putting himself in an even more vulnerable position so I am having to tread very carefully.

OP posts:

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 06/01/2026 20:36

mumonthehill · 06/01/2026 20:33

I really think that there are serious issues here if your ds is in supported work and cannot be left alone in the house he is very vulnerable and as such her wanting to take money from him without actually doing or understanding the care he needs is a huge red flag. I think you need to think carefully about what you do next but you need to safeguard him.

And she has a degree but the ds has such severe learning difficulties he cannot be left.

This does not make any sense at all.

FuzzyWolf · 06/01/2026 20:34

I suppose it would come down to your DS going to the DWP and getting it changed. I’d leave him to do that and explain he (or rather she) needs to arrange it, then you can let his girlfriend do the work of changing it over. I’d explain to the DWP why you aren’t removing yourself and what your concerns are. Let them make the decision.

mumonthehill · 06/01/2026 20:33

I really think that there are serious issues here if your ds is in supported work and cannot be left alone in the house he is very vulnerable and as such her wanting to take money from him without actually doing or understanding the care he needs is a huge red flag. I think you need to think carefully about what you do next but you need to safeguard him.

Reallywhatonearth · 06/01/2026 20:29

Surely this would be considered as fraud if she is registered as carer. What happens if something goes wrong? Or they split up ?

be careful @Agiraffecalledbow

Livpool · 06/01/2026 20:27

Agree with a pp that she sounds like a grifter

Original poster

Agiraffecalledbow · 06/01/2026 20:19

BestZebbie · 06/01/2026 19:30

Is she trained for any other sort of job, but just currently underemployed, or does she not have much prospect of improving her income?
If the former I'd warn her quite strongly that she would be capping her earnings in the long-term by taking on the role, as it isn't something you can just do between jobs then drop - does she really want to do that for her boyfriend of 15 months?

She has a degree in a specific area but seems to be finding it hard to get solid hours in that field. I think it is a degree in an overpopulated field. She does work in that field but at most five hours a week.

She does actually have three jobs but they are all a couple of hours here and there and one of them is cash in hand so I would think most weeks she would be just under the allowed amount given one is not declared.

OP posts:

Happyjoe · 06/01/2026 20:14

Beerpink · 06/01/2026 19:39

He won’t think of anything useful. Ld or not he is a man. All she has to do is flash him and give him a good time and he will say yes to anything.

Show quote history

Tbh, that's not actually that much of a bother because it's clear that things need to be done most days for the OP's son, so the OP will know it's not done and her son too. Am pretty sure it will become clear if she is up to the task or not, even if she does 'flash him'.

Original poster

Agiraffecalledbow · 06/01/2026 20:10

Bobiverse · 06/01/2026 19:28

If you gave it up, would you then be able to work? Maybe you should. But make it very clear to him that you’ll do nothing else beyond what other parents of adults do to help out as she will be his carer and you’ll be working.

But I’d be really wary of him being with her. How are they going to support themselves when she won’t work and he can’t (or does he?)

Show quote history

Yes I would be able to work if someone took over everything required. Although I have worked remotely in the past or self employed for most of his life but this became an issue when he left education and was home all the time. I would love to go back to work but being left home alone is a big issue and risk of using cooker, iron and similar is not safe.

He has a supported work placement of a couple of hours a week.

OP posts:

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/01/2026 20:02

Bobiverse · 06/01/2026 19:16

Is he capable of consenting to a relationship? Because she sounds dangerous and really bad for him, she isn’t exactly a catch and now she is trying to use him for money. Is he able to recognise these issues?
I’d be really concerned about him being with her at all.

Yes, sounds like there might be a safeguarding issue. It's worthy of concern, anyway.

carly2803 · 06/01/2026 19:44

i would do a 3 month trial - and be utterly unavailable !

pay her the money, but dont change any paper work!

Also start charging him rent if hes living with you 5 days a week -see what her actual motive is!

Chinsupmeloves · 06/01/2026 19:43

She's simply trying to get the money for it CF! She may well help but isn't that what GF does anyway? If they move in together and she takes on everything you're doing then yes, but she's not. You have to earn less than about £190 a week to qualify i believe so that's not just low income, that's very low hours working! Xx

BruFord · 06/01/2026 19:39

@Happyjoe Yes, the OP can pay her to do the trial and @Agiraffecalledbow would really need to ensure that’s she’s completely unavailable during that period to do whatever she currently does.

Beerpink · 06/01/2026 19:39

Happyjoe · 06/01/2026 19:32

I would worry because bottom line is him getting the care he needs. I don't think she must understand what this actually entails.
Ask her to do a trial fortnight where she does it all, even if you offer to pay her 2 weeks worth of carers allowance and see what she thinks after and more importantly, see what your son thinks after. It's not easy and the money a pittance.

He won’t think of anything useful. Ld or not he is a man. All she has to do is flash him and give him a good time and he will say yes to anything.

Beerpink · 06/01/2026 19:38

Bobiverse · 06/01/2026 19:16

Is he capable of consenting to a relationship? Because she sounds dangerous and really bad for him, she isn’t exactly a catch and now she is trying to use him for money. Is he able to recognise these issues?
I’d be really concerned about him being with her at all.

This x a million

Happyjoe · 06/01/2026 19:32

I would worry because bottom line is him getting the care he needs. I don't think she must understand what this actually entails.
Ask her to do a trial fortnight where she does it all, even if you offer to pay her 2 weeks worth of carers allowance and see what she thinks after and more importantly, see what your son thinks after. It's not easy and the money a pittance.

BestZebbie · 06/01/2026 19:30

Is she trained for any other sort of job, but just currently underemployed, or does she not have much prospect of improving her income?
If the former I'd warn her quite strongly that she would be capping her earnings in the long-term by taking on the role, as it isn't something you can just do between jobs then drop - does she really want to do that for her boyfriend of 15 months?

Original poster

Agiraffecalledbow · 06/01/2026 19:30

Bobiverse · 06/01/2026 19:16

Is he capable of consenting to a relationship? Because she sounds dangerous and really bad for him, she isn’t exactly a catch and now she is trying to use him for money. Is he able to recognise these issues?
I’d be really concerned about him being with her at all.

Technically yes he is capable of consenting to a relationship. He is very vulnerable though and the one girlfriend he has had prior to this was controlling and resulted in me getting outside people involved. He was under 18 at the time.

I am concerned myself but I can only keep an eye on things really due to his age.

OP posts:

Bobiverse · 06/01/2026 19:28

Agiraffecalledbow · 06/01/2026 19:21

22 and 26 (GF is the older one).
They have been together around 15 months. No reason she cannot get more hours.

Between their time spent at GF house and her being here they probably do spend 35 hours together (just) if you could hours at night when they are asleep. Actual caring though no. Even when he is not here he is constantly messaging me for assistance with things and i am still sorting his things at home.

DS has started telling me she is going to appointments with him instead of me (which I have zero issue with) but that does not equate to 35 hours of care.

If you gave it up, would you then be able to work? Maybe you should. But make it very clear to him that you’ll do nothing else beyond what other parents of adults do to help out as she will be his carer and you’ll be working.

But I’d be really wary of him being with her. How are they going to support themselves when she won’t work and he can’t (or does he?)

BruFord · 06/01/2026 19:21

TheMorgenmuffel · 06/01/2026 19:11

Suggest to her that she takes over for a month to see how she gets on and then decide if she can do it all.

Make it clear that if she is going to claim then she has to be doing it and if she doesnt then you will have to report it.

@TheMorgenmuffel has a good suggestion.

It’s likely that she has no idea of the commitment that being a registered carer requires.

@Agiraffecalledbow Well, if they really want to have a trial run of her being his carer, you’ll no longer be available to sort things out for him. Explain to him that he’ll need to ask her for assistance instead.