To stop DS changing his registered carer from me to his GF?

If the GF isn’t doing it then she isn’t caring for him and he needs safeguarding not being abandoned.

Even when he is not here he is constantly messaging me for assistance with things and i am still sorting his things at home.

From tomorrow, message back EVERY TIME and say get GF to do it

As ever, once he's actually suffering, he'll become a higher priority. An option is for them to move out to a place living together, her to become his carer. When the relationship inevitably goes tits up due to her neglecting him and he becomes homeless, that supported living place will come around a lot quicker when they realise he's a liability in a hostel/b&b/flat. They don't like their properties razed to the ground and will look to prevent that, in a way they won't when it's your home at risk. You'd have to harden your heart and let it happen though. Because obviously everyone will be pushing for you to give up whatever job you've taken on to have him live with you and become his carer again.

but could you still receive the carers allowance, but pay the girlfriend for the hours of care she does?

Not out of the carer's allowance. It's about £80/wk. Min wage is about £12/hr plus employers NI contributions etc. Or she'd have to register as a business to do it freelance on a self-employed basis.

Social services aren't likely to assess him as needing that help because they know he has OP as his official carer. If they did by some miracle assess him as needing a few hours more care, they'd not be willing to pay for someone who's doing it cash-in-hand illegally.

So if OPs DS wanted to unofficially employ her as his carer for a few hours a week, he'd have to do that out of his own income (his PIP etc).

My sibling has LDs and autism and lived with my mum until her death. She was his full time carer. He has a history of setting fires, which was fully documented with social services. I used to report literally every time he had put himself and mum at risk. You had to be on your best game at all times to stop him letting strangers into the house or causing danger. When mum died social services wanted him to continue living alone but with 4 visits a day from carers. It was only when I said that the house was going to be uninsurable and that the council would have to insure it, and the neighbouring houses for when they burnt down that the situation was taken seriously.

so no. I don’t think the girlfriend should become his carer. It’s a huge responsibility

Given your updates about her housing situation @Agiraffecalledbow I.e., she lives with her parents, I can see how impossible it will be for her to be his carer.

At first, I wondered whether he wanted to move in with her, but I assume that’s unlikely to be possible- so as others are saying, how can she provide all his care? You’ll still be doing the majority as he’ll be living with you.

Even the suggested trial run isn’t really possible if he’s living with you -unless she moves in and you’re able to resist helping out- I doubt that you want her moving in!

I agree this is what OP should say/do, except I wouldn’t mention the 35 hours as even if she manages to scrape in at 35 hours (which she would then aim for) OP will still be doing the majority of care.

If he lacks capacity (you can have capacity in some respects but not others) then he would need a guardian to make decisions on his behalf. Unless OP applies for this through the courts it would by default be social work. An advocate could help him make his views known to SW but SW would make the decisions.

Yeah I guess if that's severe. It could be abusive. I hope it isn't.

Absolutely this ^

He is desperate to move out which I understand.

What possibilities for moving out are there? Could he move in with her?

If so, then I'd consider it.

Do you think she loves him?

There's a huge imbalance of power. Often seen in abusive relationships. Of course a non- disabled person could date a person with a disability. However OPs son has LD, his capacity to understand complex issues if this is the case makes him highly vulnerable.

He needs the social worker to assign an independent advocate to support him to make a decision in his best interests.

You can't see how a non disabled person could date a disabled one?

I think you should start by just saying "she doesn't provide you with 35 hours of care and you are living with me and I do, so we can't change it at the moment".

Don't say no, just say it's not possible because of the fact he lives with you so you do the care which qualifies.

If he wants her to do it then they need to live together but I wouldn't suggest that, just keep saying "but you live here and I provide the care so it's me who is eligible".

I suspect from what you've said it's impossible for them to live together so that should end the discussion.

And if they do think they can live together then you can support him to look into that.

I'm carer for my daughter and this is what I would do

It is mostly not about appointments and paperwork, it is doing his washing (or overseeing him doing it), cooking his meals (or overseeing him etc), ensuring he has adequate clothes, ensure his hygiene is up to scratch - making sure he washes and changes his clothes, keeping him safe minute to minute, making sure he is not the victim of mate crime or other scams, just day to day stuff. The sort of stuff you do with a five year old child. The sort of stuff OP won’t be able to opt out of as long as he lives in her home,

It is not clear if he has the capacity to make those decisions. I suspect he has no idea what it would mean for OP to cease to care for him.

The OPs DS has learning disability which would mean he is low functioning autistic - functioning levels are often misunderstood but refer to IQ. ‘High functioning’ means normal or high IQ not the impact of autism.

If it goes ahead then it's fraud. Plus l would make clear to them both she will have to do the actual caring and you won't be doing it anymore. So no more responding to the numerous messages, taking to appointments etc

Because OP is providing the care currently, not the GF, and if GF is not able to meet the caring criteria she should not be claiming in her own right as doing so, and OP is not confident that she will.

Im not sure what you mean by 'refuse' to relinquish your position as his carer? He's an adult, it's not your choice to make?

No, legally that can't be done with CA- the recipient has to be the one providing the required hours of care. CA also gives the claimant class 1 NICs, the rules around it are pretty tight.

If you're confident that he has the capacity to consent to the relationship and to her being his carer then I'd offer to directly pay the girlfriend your share of the carer's allowance for a few months in 2 weekly increments on the understanding that you'll withdraw this if you feel that DS isn't being adequately cared for. I'd sit them down and write down everything that you do for him and explain that you won't be doing any of it. Once you're satisfied that he's safe you allow the carers allowance to go to her directly but keep a close eye and involve ss if needed. As pp have said I'd involve a sw or his LD nurse if he has one for support as well as whatever gf's intentions are this is going to be a big transition

I guess if you had a younger child and worked, you wouldn't have to divert your child benefit to their nursery or childminder, but you'd still have to pay fees. I don't know if you could do this legally, or how easy it would be, but could you still receive the carers allowance, but pay the girlfriend for the hours of care she does? That way the hours that she's caring she'd get paid, but you would still have the benefit and control it. If they do end up being together long term, and if you were gradually paying her more and more, because she was taking on more and more for DS, you could eventually stop claiming as his mum and she could claim as his partner/girlfriend/wife, but if she drifted and never really took on everything, or eventually left your son, there wouldn't be a danger of her running away with the carer's allowance for nothing and leaving you broke.

Have you had a frank discussion with her about what it will actually mean?

I would also be concerned that this is not a healthy relationship, esp given the age gap, and that she now wants to claim CA for him.

However, it could turn out that it’s, and that this is a long term/ permanent relationship, in which case doing all these tasks would be something that transitions to her in the longer term. It’s hard to imagine that promoting a healthy dynamic, but I guess that’s the reality of any relationship he will have.

She would have to understand what is involved and demonstrate she is willing and able to do it before you give up CA, as it would mean you completely dropped the reins to her, and looking for work. So it would be a hard decision to undo. Does your son even understand this?

I don't think they popped in for a reasonable discussion...just to goad.

Mm. Go away.