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Original poster

To not want to do a week with DHs family

163 replies

Olintia · 06/01/2026 17:40

My DH isn’t British, most of his family still live in his home country, we have 2 small children who are 2 and 4. We visit his family 2-3 times a year, his parents visit maybe once a year. We just got back from spending new year with them.

His family have a tradition of renting a large villa and everyone getting together for a week in August. Right from his elderly grandparents in their 80s to aunt an and uncles, cousins etc. Normally about 25 people when you add in cousins partners etc.

We have gone every year we can and I absolutely hate it, his family don’t really make adjustments for small children, they still leave dinner until 8pm then serve the courses over 4 or more hours, I’m always told just to give the children a snack in the afternoon and keep them up late, this unsettles the children. They are also loud, music, loud chatting so it’s not easy for me to just put the children to bed and make them food earlier. Language also presents an issue as while I do speak a little of the language and I am working on learning more, most of his family don’t speak much if any English so I can only really converse with DH and he is obviously busy and unable to help translate constantly.
They book the same villa every year, the children are on camp beds, there is a pool with no fence so I’m constantly on high alert, everyone is drinking lots etc.

I find it miserable and hate how it takes up a whole week of annual leave. I don’t mind our other visits as much as we stay with his parents and there is usually only one or two big family meals over the time we are there, where as this is 7 nights of long family meals.

I appreciate it is his culture but I’d like to move to every other year, he has said no. He’s told me I can just not come if I hate it so much but his family will think I am rude and he will be taking the children. I don’t want to miss out on a week with my children and I don’t think his family or DH would look after them well especially with the pool, lots of drinking adults etc.

Ive suggested he goes and leaves the children here but he has said no that this is his family and he doesn’t want to miss it.

We see all his cousins at 2 other times in the year which is more than I see my extended family and they really aren’t good at adapting to children. I asked if it would change when more of his cousins or siblings had children and he said unlikely, that in his family and likely culture children just slot in and go with the flow.

AIBU not wanting to go? How do I handle this?

OP posts:
Flailingaroundatlife · 06/01/2026 18:18

Olintia · 06/01/2026 17:40

My DH isn’t British, most of his family still live in his home country, we have 2 small children who are 2 and 4. We visit his family 2-3 times a year, his parents visit maybe once a year. We just got back from spending new year with them.

His family have a tradition of renting a large villa and everyone getting together for a week in August. Right from his elderly grandparents in their 80s to aunt an and uncles, cousins etc. Normally about 25 people when you add in cousins partners etc.

We have gone every year we can and I absolutely hate it, his family don’t really make adjustments for small children, they still leave dinner until 8pm then serve the courses over 4 or more hours, I’m always told just to give the children a snack in the afternoon and keep them up late, this unsettles the children. They are also loud, music, loud chatting so it’s not easy for me to just put the children to bed and make them food earlier. Language also presents an issue as while I do speak a little of the language and I am working on learning more, most of his family don’t speak much if any English so I can only really converse with DH and he is obviously busy and unable to help translate constantly.
They book the same villa every year, the children are on camp beds, there is a pool with no fence so I’m constantly on high alert, everyone is drinking lots etc.

I find it miserable and hate how it takes up a whole week of annual leave. I don’t mind our other visits as much as we stay with his parents and there is usually only one or two big family meals over the time we are there, where as this is 7 nights of long family meals.

I appreciate it is his culture but I’d like to move to every other year, he has said no. He’s told me I can just not come if I hate it so much but his family will think I am rude and he will be taking the children. I don’t want to miss out on a week with my children and I don’t think his family or DH would look after them well especially with the pool, lots of drinking adults etc.

Ive suggested he goes and leaves the children here but he has said no that this is his family and he doesn’t want to miss it.

We see all his cousins at 2 other times in the year which is more than I see my extended family and they really aren’t good at adapting to children. I asked if it would change when more of his cousins or siblings had children and he said unlikely, that in his family and likely culture children just slot in and go with the flow.

AIBU not wanting to go? How do I handle this?

Ohhh. We have this. It sounds like our DHs are actually from the same country. We also have kids 2 and 4. From when youngest was born, I used to try to stick to simar times as back home (which actually was a long haul flight away then - which was good to reset their body clocks). But it literally felt so challenging, like pulling teeth to get dinner on the table before 8pm.

In the summer (we were there for a 3wk stint), I thought, ah fuck it, let's try to do it the local way. Which meant putting the kids down for an epic nap (fighting the older one to sleep for 2h, so that they ended up sleeping at 5pm!), waking up at 7, eating at nine, going to bed at 11 and sometimes sleeping by 12!! ZERO 'ME TIME' AT ALL (or "getting things done" time). Granted, they'd wake up a little later, but only by an hour, max!

I get what you mean - my normally lovely, happy, playful kids became constantly whingy, clingy and an absolute nightmare to be around.

After 3 days I had a mini stress-out from sleep deprivation and agreed we'd go back to how we normally do it. Bed by 8, latest (at home they're asleep by 7), we still have relatives coming to 'see the kids' at 9.30 and they're surprised they're 'already' in bed. Unless it's a festival, special occasion. My FIL is lovely and lovely kindly helps us get the food going earlier than they normally would.

Basically my ILs (and the cousins) know we eat dinner early and as soon as it's over, we whisk them off to do teeth and bed. The cousins stay up later but that's fine (but they also wake up MUCH later than ours, so it's a different kettle of fish).

Very long post. Sorry! Not sure if that's much help.. but I'm quite Ok with being the weird foreigner with odd eating and sleeping times for her kids - let's see how it plays out in 4 or 5 years though!!

Original poster
Olintia · 06/01/2026 18:06

sausagedog2000 · 06/01/2026 18:03

Do your parents or close family live close to you and do you see them often? I think that’s relevant.

It does sound as if it’s a fun holiday for the kids. Do they not enjoy it? They might be unsettled but it’s only a week, no different to if you went to Disneyland. It sounds as if DH doesn’t get much time with his family as they live abroad and so he wants to go as a unit. It was probably quite hurtful hearing that you didn’t want to come.

Yes we live near my parents and see them most weeks, I appreciate that I’m lucky in that sense and I do enjoy the time with his family when we are in the city. But the villa week is hard as they eat outside every night make a lot of noise, the pool, it being day after day.

The children do enjoy it and everyone does play with them but it’s definitely not a child centred holiday or even really a child considerate holiday In my mind. I struggle to understand how he and his 7 cousins/siblings used to do this annually none of them ever got hurt or fell in the pool etc.

OP posts:
sausagedog2000 · 06/01/2026 18:03

Do your parents or close family live close to you and do you see them often? I think that’s relevant.

It does sound as if it’s a fun holiday for the kids. Do they not enjoy it? They might be unsettled but it’s only a week, no different to if you went to Disneyland. It sounds as if DH doesn’t get much time with his family as they live abroad and so he wants to go as a unit. It was probably quite hurtful hearing that you didn’t want to come.

tripleginandtonic · 06/01/2026 18:03

They're half his culture too OP, so jo harm letting them experience it a few times a year. Yabu, routine isn't more important than knowing their dad's side of the family.

Cardinalita90 · 06/01/2026 18:02

Can you compromise by going but getting your own accommodation nearby? That way you can take the kids back early and be in control of meal times.

ButterPecanCookie · 06/01/2026 18:01

Celestialmoods · 06/01/2026 17:55

Your husband has offered you a fair compromise, and you are being unreasonable if you won’t take it. He has as much right as you do to include his children in his family traditions, and your children have a right to be there.

Think how they and you would feel when they are older and you told them they missed out on memorable holidays with their family because you didn’t want to go so you wouldn’t let them go either.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting my kids go on holiday without me to a villa with a pool and no fence, being ‘supervised’ by heavy drinkers.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 06/01/2026 18:01

You are at the worst point now, with the DC being hardest to manage the pool and the bedtime. I’d see it through and think of the benefit for your DC of having that extended family network that your DH enjoys.

Maray1967 · 06/01/2026 18:00

Celestialmoods · 06/01/2026 17:55

Your husband has offered you a fair compromise, and you are being unreasonable if you won’t take it. He has as much right as you do to include his children in his family traditions, and your children have a right to be there.

Think how they and you would feel when they are older and you told them they missed out on memorable holidays with their family because you didn’t want to go so you wouldn’t let them go either.

Seriously? How is having the young DC around an unfenced pool when the adults are drinking a lot a fair compromise?

There is no way I’d let a DH like this take my DC away for a week without me until they’re old enough to be safe round a pool. He’s totally dismissive of what young DCcneed.

Dagda · 06/01/2026 17:59

I think it is fair enough you want to do it every other year.

I sympathise though: other families are hard. I wouldn’t leave them either with the pool.

Original poster
Olintia · 06/01/2026 17:57

Maray1967 · 06/01/2026 17:50

I’d go, but like hell would I be feeding my young Dc meals starting at 8pm. I would insist that they’re having their tea at 6 and going to bed at 8pm and if I need to stay in the room with them for a while, so be it.

If your DH is difficult with that, and you think you’re going to be bullied into giving in, the nuclear option is to hide their passports and refuse permission for him to take them out of the country. He will then do the same to you.

I wouldn’t be bullied, personally, so I would tell him what you’re prepared to do and what is not happening, and insist he agrees. If you go and he doesn’t back you up and you can’t feed your DC at a sensible time, that will be the last time you take them as you will refuse permission in future.

I have tried to suggest this, DH always complains that his family thinks it’s strange and the best part of his childhood was staying up late, getting up and down from the table between courses, playing with cousins etc.
He feels I’m depriving them of childhood by putting them to bed early or making them miss family meals.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 06/01/2026 17:57

PS I would not hesitate to make it clear that your DC live their regular lives very differently and this is unsettling for them. I know very well that Spanish DC stay up late, but there’s no way BIL & SIL, DH and I would have had our 4, 5 and 6 year olds in a restaurant at 8-9 pm on holiday in Spain. We ate at 6, put them to bed and then got the drinks, snacks and cards out on our balcony for the evening. They would all have been grumpy nightmares if they’d been kept up late.

Celestialmoods · 06/01/2026 17:55

Your husband has offered you a fair compromise, and you are being unreasonable if you won’t take it. He has as much right as you do to include his children in his family traditions, and your children have a right to be there.

Think how they and you would feel when they are older and you told them they missed out on memorable holidays with their family because you didn’t want to go so you wouldn’t let them go either.

Maray1967 · 06/01/2026 17:50

I’d go, but like hell would I be feeding my young Dc meals starting at 8pm. I would insist that they’re having their tea at 6 and going to bed at 8pm and if I need to stay in the room with them for a while, so be it.

If your DH is difficult with that, and you think you’re going to be bullied into giving in, the nuclear option is to hide their passports and refuse permission for him to take them out of the country. He will then do the same to you.

I wouldn’t be bullied, personally, so I would tell him what you’re prepared to do and what is not happening, and insist he agrees. If you go and he doesn’t back you up and you can’t feed your DC at a sensible time, that will be the last time you take them as you will refuse permission in future.

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