To not want to do a week with DHs family

The DH may have no idea exactly how much time and effort it takes to keep a 2 and 4 year old away from hazards like unfenced pools if he's never needed to do it solo.

I think most people would be concerned.

It also sounds like there's a potential risk the kids could hurt themselves inside the villa or wander off, if everyone thinks someone else is doing it.

There have been some tragic cases.

Sounds awful!! And a waste of your annual leave!! Say no.

The language difference sounds hard, and the pool worrying but for the rest I think you need to relax a little. I think you should also learn more of the language.

Staying up late and adjusting to holiday time is part of things. I’m from a similar sounding culture and long hot summer nights of staying up late are a fond memory. Adults talking loudly and playing music is just what happens when people are having fun and relaxing. Kids can and should adapt.

I would let him go without you with the kids. Surely you trust him to not let them drown? If you don’t that’s very worrying indeed.

Just saying, absolutely zero chance I'd allow my tiny kids to go on holiday without me with a bunch of drinking adults and an unfenced pool. Zero. I don't give a shit if their Dad is there, there's two of them and one of him and frankly it sounds like he'll be busy and distracted. That is exactly how so many drownings happen, all the adults think someone else is watching the kids...

I wouldn’t go. It sounds really hard and not suitable for your young kids. Don’t feel guilty.

This is also my experience- the children just adapted when they were with their dad’s family and we changed to their timings for the duration of the trip.

We had a similar situation to this in my family op and over time I persuaded my husband that we would be present with the dc but we would stay in a separate villa.

That way we could retain some independence and go to some of the family meals and late nights but have a few in our holiday apartment too, and we had more control over proceedings and the dc didn’t get too out of their schedule and I could take a bit of a break from his family occasionally.

But on the days we didn’t attend the big dinner, we would all be there with the dc helping during the day and they would still be mixing with cousins and grandparents. Or we would go on expeditions with family. We did show willing, we just weren’t there for every single breakfast, lunch and dinner!

It’s got to the point now where my dh much prefers us staying separately but nearby. And his family have accepted it too. It’s more money of course but I think it’s money well spent to remain slightly independent.

Would a solution like that work for you op? Most men respond to being presented with a solution!

Btw op you are not wrong to be very concerned about the open pool, the alcohol and not having one designated adult to observe the water and be on life guard duty. That is the classic scenario where accidents happen because someone always assume that another person is taking care of it. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are being over-cautious.

And she is trying to shoehorn them all into living a British lifestyle. Many many countries are far less rigid about kids being in bed by 7pm, out of sight, out of mind.

I actually think this holiday sounds amazing and will give the kids some wonderful memories. Sure, their dad needs to join in with the supervision and parenting, especially if this is his vision. It will get easier as the kids grow.

We spend time with family in Italy so used to kids being up late and dinner at 9pm often into the early hours during summer. We had our 18month old out eating ice cream in the town square at 10pm last year, embracing the new routine is just part of the holiday. We just feed a small dinner at 5pm to hold the kids over until later, but if they don’t eat much at 9 it doesn’t matter, they’re too busy playing. Up at 8ish and then have a long nap around lunch time which then sees them through until late bedtime.
The pool would stress me out, but you can get water alarm bracelets/anklets - perhaps make them wear them all the time you’re there to give you an additional protection?
alternatively I’d book a small villa or apartment nearby - up to you if DH stays with you or in the main family villa. Then you can dip in and out as you wish. We often go with extended family and stay in separate places, often with one big communal place that we meet in during the day then return to our respective apartments to sleep or have some quiet time.

Why is it that you don’t trust your husband to keep your children alive/ look after them for one week? It is also curious that you don’t trust his family with your kids.

Anyway, is the problem here that you feel you’re spending all or most of your family holidays with his family, less with your own and less your small family alone? If so say that and ask him to chose which one or two of his family dos he will forgo so it is fair all round with what he wants and what you want.

Book an alternative holiday with your parents for the same week?

Tricky when you spend a lot of time with your family and it means a lot to him. I’d go, as I wouldn’t trust anyone else to watch them around the pool, but if they are struggling with late nights just make sure they get their main meal at 8pm, and bed by 9. I guess in their culture it’s perfectly normal to keep kids up late but it would have stressed me out too, especially the pool. It’s not safe without a fence and it takes seconds for a child to drown.

Get your kids swim lessons ASAP. You want to drownproof them.

An unfenced pool is extremely dangerous to kids. Add in a bunch of drunk adults and that's where you get your freshwater drownings. Do they at least have a pool alarm?

I would go but I would feed my kids on the schedule they want, not his family's. There's big cultural differences here but hunger doesn't care about culture.

Learn the language. If it's Spanish, there's tons of resources out there. Take ear plugs and a small white noise machine for the kids.

I think you should try and be a bit flexible, pretty much the whole of Europe live like this so they won't understand the way you do things in the UK, it will seem terribly odd.

If you do go feed the kids when you want literally just make the food, you don’t have to wait until 8.

The pool of course would worry me, but the family being loud and the late bedtimes wouldn’t bother me for a week sorry.

It will get easier as the kids get older, my dad is from a different culture so maybe I am just used to it as thats how I grew up

I would have no hesitation in sending them off with their dad and enjoying a peaceful week to myself.

With the major exception of the unfenced pool. I assume their dad is capable of supervising them?

Likewise the OP has chosen to have children with someone from a different country and culture, it doesn’t seem unreasonable for them to commit to one week a year with the wider family.

It sounds like it's really important to him, so I would go, but I would do what timing works for my children re meals and sleep, I'd bring something suitable for them to have an early dinner and I'd just do it myself, and get them to bed when they need to. It will also get easier as your children get older.

Agree with this. He is trying to shoehorn you all into giving his children this idea of the perfect childhood that he supposedly had.

Just stop pandering to them. Cook their dinner early. They can always eat dessert later on. Let them stay up a bit it’s a holiday. You just don’t have to do everything they say. Or suggest booking a villa next door so your kids can have some quiet in the evening as a last resort.

This big family week away is only benefitting your DH......your young children's needs are being completely dismissed and there is a language barrier. He is being incredibly selfish to insist on going every year. He has chosen to live in a different country, with a different culture and have children. He shouldn't expect to just force his children to eat/sleep at the wrong time for them.
You spend other time with his family during the year, which seems to work well for you and your children. Stick to your guns about not going to the huge family gathering every year - it's not in their interests and you are undermined at every turn when you do what is in the children's interests.

Just let him take the kids
he won't do it - he needs you to care for them
call his bluff

It doesn't certainly doesn't seem fair or reasonable for OP to send them on holiday without her to an environment she feels is unsafe and where her children would not be well looked after. And it doesn't seem fair or reasonable that her choice is either do that or have to go herself every year on a holiday that she finds stressful and unenjoyable.

It sounds like he insists that your children go on multiple trips to visit his family (New Years, August, other trips to see his cousins) which must use up a lot of your annual leave. Does your annual leave get divided fairly between your side/your desires vs your husband's?

It also sounds as if, on this weeklong August vacation, you have to spend a lot of effort keeping the kids safe from the unfenced pool, dealing with their late nights, and managing their food schedule in light of his family's conflicting food schedule. Does your husband take an equal share of managing that burden? Or does he just chat with his family while you run around after the children?

The pool safety issue is top priority. How does he plan to handle that if you don't go with him? Is he taking a "magical thinking" approach of "it will work out, you're a Nervous Nellie" or does he have an actual plan for it? How realistic is his plan? What are your options if he has no plan, other than to just capitulate and continue going?

I would guess that the way this worked in the past (when your husband was a child) was that there were a number of moms with kids, and they collaborated to ensure all the children were safe - took turns watching the pool, took turns eating dinner, etc. They probably didn't enjoy it much, but as their kids got older and became safe swimmers, they were able to enjoy it more, and maybe forgot how bad it used to be. They see it as their turn to have fun now, and your turn to do the hard graft of looking after your kids. It's just harder for you because you are the only one doing it and don't have other moms you trust to share the pool-watching. I would also guess it wasn't as loud after dinner back then, as there were more little kids and fewer adults who weren't looking after small kids to make noise late at night. Also, I doubt the men of any took part in the childcare or managing dinnertime or bedtime, so they will see no reason why you should be having a hard time with this.

I think there are some ways to make this more tolerable for you without canceling altogether, but they would depend on your husband being willing to share the load, be flexible, and advocate for you with the group. It doesn't sound like he's willing to do that.