To not want to do a week with DHs family

The bedtime and meals thing is a non issue on holiday. You can't keep to your routine.
This is your husband's culture and therefore 50% of your children's DNA.
Can he take them without you and therefore be 100% responsible for them?

All non swimmers should be supervised by the pool though.

I’d insist on your own villa so you can come and go around your children’s schedule.

I’m glad my international marriage took account of everyone’s needs. Because (unfenced pool aside) one week a year is nothing. When you live away from your home it’s a little bit of you missing all the time. And you need to learn Italian. It’s a very easy language. Phonetic, follows easy rules, lots of words in common with English. Theoretically 600-750 hours of study to become conversational. Do you do one person, one language with the kids? That will help you learn. If your oldest is 4, you’ve had time to learn. Think of the week as language immersion.

I guarantee your children will look back on this time with joy, and love, and feel more connected with their culture and family. If you can suck up sober watchfulness and Italian language practise. And they will soon be older and it will be easier.

The pool cannot be "sorted" if this is a privately owned place. Owners can do what they like and are hardly going to fork out for safety precautions they think unnecessary for the sake of a week a year.

This will get easier every year, OP. I was just like you regarding sleep etc when they were that age. By the time the littlest is 5 it will be so much easier to relax the timetable a bit. Can you find a compromise whereby for the next 2 years you stay at a nearby but separate villa, then join the whole family after that?

The unfenced pool is a worry and needs to be sorted.

Apart from that though, I wonder if you’re being a bit inflexible about joining in with a different culture, as if you’ve made up your mind not to like it in advance. It’s only a week out of the year, and obviously important for your husband, family and the children’s cousins. And you see your own family a lot more often.

My view is probably coloured by my own positive memories of visiting friends and family in southern Europe from early childhood onwards - we all loved staying up later in the warm weather, being included in late suppers along with the grownups, seeing cousins and aunties again, and I’ve no memories of being tired, it was just an exciting change of scene. Children are quite adaptable, but if they sense you are reluctant about the whole thing, they may take their cue from you.

Just an alternative viewpoint - I’m not suggesting it should be yours.

I'm not the most stressy parent but the situation as described regarding the water, the alcohol and 20-something pool watchers really does have "bit before Casualty credits" written all over it.

I really love this way of life and although we live in England (not my choice), our children have always been raised in a similar way to how you're describing to your DH's culture. And it makes life so much easier when we're on holiday or at an event, as being up late is normalised for them. I personally find the parents I meet here in England are so rigid with routines for their children, I do cringe a bit.

I think if you're not prepared to embrace their culture, then you should stay home and let DH take the children. Let your children have the lovely memories of their culture they don't get to embrace much.

I live in a culture where kids eat with the family so that can be late. My kids are bicultural but this is something I’m ever compromised on with my English family. It’s so weird that kids are not at family meals if you think about it.
I’m afraid I’m with your husband. You are denying them part of their culture. Try to lighten up a bit.

I don’t want to be alarmist but DH recalls his friend rescuing a near drowning child from a river - a regatta - mum was nearby, drinking and chatting with her friends, no sign of dad. She just wasn’t watching her child for a few seconds/minutes

The Judge would also need to be satisfied that the children are going to be safe and looked after properly. As is the case with every contested holiday issue that comes before the family court.

Do not compromise on this OP. See my above post. The DC need to be watched like a hawk, by a sober person, who is capable of jumping into the water at a moment's notice. I would be livid with my DH if he thought that drunk people glancing over at the pool every few minutes was safe for a 2 and 4 year old.

I'm a relaxed parent in many ways, but drowning is the leading cause of death for children between the ages of 2 and 4.

Could you not go for a shorter period of time say 3/4 nights instead of a whole week ? Or go and stay somewhere else so you can just visit the villa and still have privacy .

My colleague's 3-year old daughter drowned in an unfenced pool while on holiday in Spain. It was 2.5 years ago. There were loads of people around and no one noticed that she'd gone under the water. Absolutely devastating. No way would I EVER leave my DC unsupervised around an unfenced pool. I cannot believe your DH thinks it's 'no big deal'.

OP, I would go on the holiday, but stay somewhere else and stick to your own schedule. Is that a possibility? I wouldn't care about upsetting the family, and I think it's a good compromise since the DC will still see family during the day. Is there a little apartment or villa nearby?

Unfortunately, you're going to have to have a backbone here and stand up for your children. I have a very multicultural family so I understand that it can be hard.

I think lots of issues.

my grandparents were Portuguese so we spent summers there.

40 years later we had our first abroad holiday, one week. Spain.

four children, 8 and under. I introduced the concept of siesta and we went with it. Nothing happens after lunch, by day two all asleep.

in exchange, late nights, BUT early tea. So they ate 6 latest. But a snack later when we ate.

Pool is a non negotiable for me. So the rest time after lunch I’m on guard at night.

children and water unattended is never ok. The rest. Work a way around

He's your husband and it is one week.
Grin and bear it.
I apologise if this seems harsh, it isn't meant to be.

I don’t think I could be married to someone who I don’t trust to look after his own children on a holiday. I would send the kids with him whilst you stay back and get some me time. If you genuinely don’t trust your husband to take them on holiday I think you need to reevaluate him as a husband and father.

I'd be terrified about the unfenced pool.
That's a situation where everyone thinks someone else is keeping an eye on the kids and a kid can drown.
Like you I would not be happy with him taking them alone.
I'd insist they stayed with me.

Agree! Both parents need to supervise, with an unfenced pool it's high responsibility.

Absolutely learn the language of your DH, it would mean a lot to him and to DC. This would be a priority for me. Xxx

I’m with your DH, we had many holidays like this when our DC were young and we all have the most wonderful memories. Perhaps you need to just unclench a bit.

Could you make a compromise that your DC can do the stay up late and eat late thing 2 - 3 nights out of the week, but not all 7? It might be easier to manage them and make your week a bit easier?

Best of luck with a court order with that attitude. It is the DC paternal culture. Yes an issue with an unfenced pool, but no way would DH not be able to take his DC to meet his family.

I’d be really fucked off. You haven’t got any wiggle room here. I would rather go with my children than let him take them. I would want to be there to safe guard them. I would have to suck it up with gritted teeth until kids were over 10 etc and could swim and not drown. But then I would be worried about alcohol. Argh!! So hard.

i don’t know what to suggest except pray the older people get frail soon and everyone stops doing the holiday