To not want to do a week with DHs family

I thought that. They see each other up to 4x a year. That's more than we see our inlaws in the same country and we don't spend a week with them at a time!

While I can appreciate that it must be stressful with the children being so young and at an age where they still need lots of supervision, I do think that there is nothing wrong with adopting a more relaxed routine when on holiday. Especially for this type of holiday.
I can understand why your husband wants your children to experience his culture and a version of his childhood.
It’s only a week and will be the sort of thing your children look back on fondly.

Let the kids eat when they’re hungry and if that means they don’t eat lots in the evening then so be it. They can play.
Make sure you and DH take it turns supervising the kids so it’s fairer and you both get a bit of down time.

I duno i disagree a bit with this. It's a situation that is familiar to him and has always been safe.

We take our children on villa holidays with our family (all of us British) and we do similar in the evenings.

The OP from what I've seen says her children enjoy it and lots of family play with the children.

I don't think anyone's being particularly unreasonable. The OP just doesn't particularly enjoy it but I'm not sure thats a good enough reason for them to miss out.

Honestly I see why you don’t enjoy it but I do get your DH’s side too. I’d grit my teeth for the next few years and keep going- once the kids can swim and are old enough to cope better with the late nights you won’t find it so difficult and I would bet that the kids themselves will have very fond memories of these holidays and reap the benefits of a large family network of interesting people. Plus exposing them to a different culture and getting them used to this way of living is beneficial IMO. Maybe miss out on one of the other visits like at Easter etc (when there’s no pool to worry about)?

We are saying the same thing.

Op, im shocked at your husbands solution of you can just not go!! You clearly see his family all the time and having a family holiday without the inlaws isnt unreasonable at all. His priorities are his extended family and not his own wife. Your husband is being selfish!

That was my takeaway.

As I said further up thread, my DC at those ages (actually until secondary age when she could wake and read or play a game without waking us) would be up and ready for the day by 6 whatever time she'd gone to bed.

Of course she sometimes fell asleep if we kept her up late. It really wasn't that easy to get her into a bed in a strange room without waking her up. With 2 you'd have to be lucky twice.

So DH or I (normally me) would have to be up and ready for the day at 6am too...

That is a loooong shift with supervising them all day around water and then a 4 hour dinner starting at 8pm and loads of adults telling you to chill while frankly not being much help!

I think if this were my DH I'd say yes this an important part of your culture, yes I want the kids to experience it, but they do not have to experience all of it in full and right now - they have years and years. Maybe 80 or more if they're lucky!

The relatives that provide free childcare several times a week?!

Oh, and I had a completely flat buggy for my son and I'd 'put him to bed' in that. That way we'd be out at dinner or a wedding with no problems. He also used to sleep on my back in the child carrier whilst I ate!

It's only a week. Now that DS is older, we now go down for 6!!

I knew you'd say Italy. I'm married to an Italian; we spend weeks every summer down there. You need to unclench and relax your rules.

I was like you initially, wedded to routines, but it simply doesn't work down there, and the sooner you make peace with it, the better. It's hard when they're little, but as the kids grow they'll find later bedtimes much easier to cope with. My son certainly did.

Those long hot summers with all the cousins are to be treasured. I may not enjoy it as much, but my son loves it.

As for the pool, it sounds like there is supervision. Just because you don't personally know the person supervising, doesn't negate it. Get to know them, if that's your issue! And work on your Italian. You do know you get citizenship via marriage, once you've got to B2 level, right? Assuming you're not already an EU citizen.

Let him take the 4 year old, keep the 2 year old at home with you .

Maybe if you learnt more Italian and had a few drinks then you might enjoy yourself a bit more. It sounds like you could relax a bit.

All this being said:

Do not let your husband take them there alone with the unfenced pool

He's not taking it seriously enough, and no family member will, because they will be in 'holiday mode'.

Are the family willing to get up at the crack of dawn with an overtired 2 year old?

Cos I've had holidays like this and the expectations are astounding: small child needs to participate, stay up late, you need eyes in the back of your head 24/7 cos of the unfenced pool (?!?!), then the MIL is surprised that you are in bed at 9?!? Stop up and have a drink!!! RELAX! Let your hair down for a change!!!! They conveniently forget you'll be up early the next day with two small kids to supervise - for another 18 hours

😱😱😱😱

This sounds honestly idyllic and like such a wonderful family time and memory for your kids - and totally agree with your DH that staying up late and running around and being wild on long summer nights would be the best bit for your kids! I don’t understand why you can’t just ease up on their schedule over summer and let them have a grazing dinner. It’s unfair if you’re missing out on the fun so make sure your DH is doing 50:50 bedtimes and mornings etc. If you really hate it then do one year on one year off and let him manage the kids every other year. Considering your DH and their entire family has made it out of this annual tradition alive and well then I think you can assume they are able to keep your kids alive too - they’re just letting you take responsibility because you’re there! If you weren’t there then they would need to step up.

I imagine the OP's husband spends time being pissed off and uncomfortable around her relatives. Why can't the OP suck it up for 1 week a year?

It’s not a fair compromise if she’s worried about her young children’s safety. Drunk adults and an open pool, what could possibly go wrong?

So she either has to go spend a week being pissed off and uncomfortable or spend a week worrying about the safety of her dc. Can see why she’s annoyed.

Hmmm. It’s a difficult one as it’s so different to your usual routine, but as a very family oriented person, I’d just do it - it sounds like it’s only once a year and it’s obviously important to your DH.

Start swimming lessons and take them to practice at the local pool regularly.
I grew up on the Med with families flocking down every summer and like clockwork one or two children drowned every year because no one was keeping enough of an eye on the pool.
You can’t just stroll over every half hour when you think of it, or even longer when the drink has been flowing. Some children drowned within minutes of arriving as everyone else was dragging in luggage, checking out the rooms and the veranda, and then ‘where’s Johnny, oh I thought he was with you’.
Every bloody summer.
So you’re absolutely right. Until they are competent swimmers don’t let your husband take them on his own. His focus is on his family visit, not your children’s well being. He will never admit it though.

yes a chair sleep is pretty normal for small
children at large family gatherings.

sleep is sleep. They’re portable. That’s the useful bit. You just carry them up when you want.

it’s really not a big deal.

He feels you are depriving them because you are. Its awful to take away their paternal culture and refuse to allow for the differences in yours and his.
His culture is the way mine is, exactly what you have described is the way my life is. Long lazy meals, with family.

The pool part would be my main objection

Are they the only children?

just feed them earlier and let them fall asleep when they’re ready. It’s a holiday.

I know it’s cultural but I really can’t see an issue. Children the world over sleep through noise and parties and on sofa until they’re carries up to bed. It’s not an issue. It’s fun it’s how memories are made. they can run around and be loud rambunctious and jump and get lots of attention from all the adults and no one minds.

bring some stuff for easy meals and if they want to have more food at 8 let them. Let them sleep late.

As the pool is unfenced it’s also important to bear in mind that a kid can wander off from the house and fall in. I definitely agree with you that drunk 20-somethings cannot be relied on for lifeguarding. When accidents happen it’s often because even the child’s own parents were distracted.

I’m relaxed about bedtimes and food and everything else but the pool is literally life and death. If I were you OP I’d drop the rest of the objections and focus on that one.

On a side note, try to have confidence in your own parenting. It might be different to the way his family would do things but it’s your way and it’s fine. Your life will be easier when you’re more confident in the language too.

The post i commented on said: ' no way would I.let my DH etc etc'. A UK family court would never stop a father taking their DC to meet extended, culturally relevant family. Provided they gave full intention to bring DC home. Eg return plane tickets. The pool issue will be met by (un monitored) assurances, with no guarantees needed.