ND girl who doesn't fit in

As @Falalalalaaaalalalalaaaa said, go for a very big comprehensive for secondary school, one with lots and lots of extra-curriculars and outstanding pastoral support (look up the Ofsted reports).

It is counter-intuitive, but in a large school she has more chance of finding her 'tribe', simply because of the numbers of children. There will be enough children to support a big variety of clubs at lunchtime or after school, e.g. chess club, art club, computer club, whatever her interests are.

Meanwhile, look for mixed-sex activities to enrol her in.

Mines the same.
It was actually worse at prep than it is state school now. But both schools are perhaps too small!!
It's heartbreaking isn't it. We are in Gloucestershire. Doesn't sound like you are near but if you are happy to meet up!! Nice to hear we arnt alone! Maybe all these amazing girls across the country will find each other as adults! X

This sounds very much like my child. Is your daughter girly? Mine struggled to connect with the girly girls as she couldn’t understand their social strategies etc, and was a victim of the bitchy girls because if this. Sporty girls and playing with the boys were her solace. Is she sporty? If so this could be a big area of refuge for her. Sporty girls are much more down to earth, esp in mixed sex sports. Scouts not brownies.

Private school was also a godsend. So many more ND children, those that like playing by the rules, behaving and studying hard are valued highly, which sounds like your daughter. Private schools can clamp down on classroom disruption in a way state can’t. I’d recommend mixed sex school though, not a girls school.

I have a child with AuDHD who was at a prep.

even if the mums like you and your child at this age who goes to the parties is chosen by the child themselves. My DD didn’t get many invites.

we did parties for her. Also organised a lot of out of school activities that were not necessarily about socialising per se but did build up social skills - eg children’s choir on a Saturday, we did brownies (guides was less successful). She loved riding and the stables where we rode did horse care days and a summer week of horsey stuff which went down very well and again she got to know some of the other kids around the stables pretty well.

are you asking for play dates literally on the day as your DD walks out of school?

I would have had to say no to most “on the day” requests because we needed to go to swimming/brownies/whatever.

doing a more general request “Jane would like to have a play date could we talk about when is good?” Is more likely to be successful but also if parents don’t come back you do need to leave it.

Just keep going unless she’s really against it. Don’t worry about the lack of reciprocity - especially around Christmas, people have a lot on. I would do another play date end of January with the same girls. It’s fine for you to keep hosting! Eventually if the friendship sticks then you’ll get invitations back. And at least your dd has the fun of people playing with her

This does sound heartbreaking, I feel for you. She’s really never had a friend? Have you spoken to the class teacher regularly about her friendship issues?

I would not worry about play dates for now - look for structured sociable groups like Brownies or a climbing club or an art class, something where she can chat and partner up so she can practice her social skills and gain friends outside school. Add in some extras like martial arts (we found a very relaxed class for dd1 age 16 and she has been going for 8 years, a big group of friends have stuck it out with her and she now has friends aged 12 through 19 which has been really nice for her).

I would also be heading out of private sector for secondary school and look for a really large comprehensive with a huge extra curricular programme and plenty of pastoral support. I don’t think the pressure and hot housing of the independent school will help. Her academic ability will carry her through - she needs to be amongst regular real people, I suspect.

I agree with the pp about mixed sex groups. My suspected ND girl plays almost exclusively with boys and enjoys Beavers (despite being the only girl). She tends to find social interactions with girls much trickier.

Does your DD have interests outside school she could pursue that might attract a broader range of children?

This.

Mine played with boys until 9 or 10

Bumping for you.

My niece who is autistic, my friends daughter who is autistic and has ADHD were really only friends with boys for a very long time, in fact honestly speaking I would say that’s still the case and they’re both well into adulthood. If you don’t want to move schools, what about Scouts or Woodcraft Folk for more mixed sex friendships?

Join some SEN clubs around you, plenty of places do them or even do soft play Sen sessions.