ND girl who doesn't fit in

How do you know for certain shes ND then if shes not diagnosed with anything?

Im not saying she isnt, she COULD be, there do sound like certain autistic traits there, but there are also a lot of girls with these personalities who are neurotypical

I second the instrument idea - playing in orchestras and singing in choirs pretty much got my ND husband through adolescence and young adulthood.

Has she tried an instrument? May be helpful to have an orchestral instrument that is easyish to manage (like flute) for later on as it means socialising is simpler and most of the kids in orchestras/choirs are well behaved. I would start thinking now about hobbies to carry her through the teen years.
Does she have siblings? Does she have a pet like a dog?
I also would not worry about playing with younger children if you have eg a friendly neighbour.

Science activities sound great, and maybe also events if you can find them. Even if she doesn't make friends, seeing other children "like her" will probably make her feel less different. You can also talk to the teachers at school. They may have suggestions (no idea how good the teachers are, my experience with schools in London was not the best). With my kids, I notice there are always some teachers who are very fond of them (and these will love to help and suggest things) and others who don't connect or get annoyed by the many questions they ask.

Prep schools are often more snooty than mainstream, bullying/bad behaviour still happens there it's more covert and behind the scenes.

Just because your daughter is shy, academic and doesn't fit in with her classmates doesn't mean she's ND. None of the things youve described scream ND to me, she sounds like an ordinary girl, maybe a bit on the introverted side but she sounds a delight

Instead of brownies, art or sporty things, why don't you introduce her to places where other "intelligent, quiet and ND" kids might be? Does she have niche interests? Like insects, trains, linguistics, astronomy, history, etc? Take her to places related to these things, holiday clubs in museums, history groups, whatever. (You're in London, there are so many options! Don't focus on the school kids). She has to find her place and her people, and the more options you present to her, the more chances she'll have. (I'm very familiar with this process, my siblings and I went through it, the father of my kids also, and my kids are going through it right now. We all ended up finding our places, some earlier some later).

Your daughter sounds quite like my DD12 and I don’t have the answer. We’re only just starting to consider diagnosis but I think we may end up in a similar position to you in that the NHS will think her difficulties aren’t significant enough.

She’s found secondary school slightly better for meeting a wider range of people and all the different clubs they offer provide a more structured way of meeting new people. I agree with a previous poster who suggested worrying less about finding friends and instead follow her interests in the hope that friends will follow. This has been the case for us to some extent.

My experience as a mum of an nd dd are:

Speak to the teacher about supporting friendships and pairing your dd up with likely other dc.

Support friendships with younger dc. Invite them for playdates and don't worry if it isn't reciprocated.

If a dc comes for a playdate, bend over backwards to make sure it goes well. Plan activities, stay aware of whether the dc are getting on and step in early, don't expect to be able to relax.

You might have more luck with special interest groups than specific nd groups. My dd is a bit older but she's met friends through a jellyfish keeper group and a cosplay group who are similar to her and she gets on with well. She finds socialising much easier with a topic in common to talk about.

Is there counselling available for nd children.
I’m over 60 and recently diagnosed ND, I still don’t know what I do wrong but people definitely avoid me. Perhaps counselling a decade or 5 ago might have helped.

but having a skill -sport, art,dance would help . I was very left out early 20s as I could hardly swim,dive,run,play tennis,squash etc

Other non-sporting activities where a ND child might thrive are those with a focus, which allows for talking without having to make eye contact. Embroidery / knitting, chess, jigsaws. My child’s school has clubs in all three of the above and they are v popular with my daughter and ND friends. I know the jigsaws club teacher too, it seems like an incredibly easy club to run!

A neighbour with a nd daughter bought her a pony - it’s proved a great hobby and she now competes (age 9). I imagine the DM had ridden too.

What sort of ND are you saying she has as you mention social and communication- asd but also being hyper adhd?

Mine is audhd. In reception/y1 was friends with both boys and girls and when moved to boys vs girls she went with the boys. Sje finds girls correct her too much. They expect too much socially.
But now at secondary is stuck woth the girls and frankly its been pretty crap. One girl just enjoys bossing the others and pushing them out. Has her favourites and others not invited.
If yours moved later is she perhaps still the new kid?
Often parents invite the kids to things with the other parents they themselves are friends with.
my youngest moved friendships groups at 8 and has been struggling more with friends since but also im not in the parent group of those kids.

I completely disagree with the others about a big comprehensive. It has literally broken my 14yo. Yes its partly the friendship circle but also the boys! Wow so much worse than i expected. And the bullying for being ND. We’ve had 2 tutor groups now and both within 8w the bullying has started. And the teachers turn away from it. If you mention it it is ignored.

i agree that a small school can be an issue though. Personally even though mine gets along better with the boys the disruption etc isn’t necessarily worth it.
Also several couples from y7 age..

If yours is asd is she perhaps really rigid what she will play?

and who does she play with at school or at the parties?

Teach yourself first, then your DD that fitting in isn’t the aim. It’s ok to not do these things. Tap into her interests strongly as that’s what will make her the happiest. It’s hard when you think they should be doing X/Y/Z but if you reframe it in your mind (it took me until I was 45 to learn this about myself btw) that you don’t have to be or do the same it makes life much easier.

also be aware the reason some of the people with ND children are not inviting your DD is more likely to be about who and what their children can manage, and little to do with liking yours.