ND girl who doesn't fit in

I could have written this word for word.

DD is exceptionally bright and overachieving but part of a small one entry year group and DD had nothing in common with any of the girls who were into pink and sparkly things. Playdates were refused constantly and she never got invited to parties. It was pretty crap. School did nothing to help because what 8 year old girl who lives in the country and has horses isn't into unicorns 🙄.

DD wasn't sporty either.

As she got older she really distanced herself from the girls in her class - she thought their social interactions were manipulative and hated the fact they expected her to be interested in things they liked with little reciprocity. In the end, she figured she was better off not being a part of it (which actually has been really sensible given all the friendship groups are imploding now hormones have hit).

In terms of friends in her class, she's very interested in coding and Lego and has found common interests with some of the more "non sporty boys". They all play chess together and have done public speaking competitions etc. Her friendships are wholly based on structured activities and mutual common interests.

Music is her big love and she plays 4 orchestral instruments. That has been her major source of friends with mutual interests - summer holiday clubs, orchestra and weekend groups. It's wonderful to see (and not going to lie, a lot of the kids who attend are also ND).

Hmm, reading about your daughter I wondered about a youth theatre - a proper one with a structured programme? I’m thinking lots and lots of interaction, a range of people to spend time with many of whom won’t be typical in any way, and drama really helps illustrate and explain relationships to all of us.

People are busy and shit at communication these days. I think asking a second time is absolutely fine, just leave a month or so between asking the same parent. It’s worth a try.

With any child, or indeed adult, there's a matter of luck in finding people they click with.
If someone is easy to get on with/flexible then the chance of finding someone they get on well with increases - but it isn't always the case.

For two of mine clubs were an easier place to make friends. However the one who made a really strong friendship group, who keep up since they've left school is the one who is ND. I would say that they just happened to be lucky to find a group that gelled over an interest and that blossomed into a bigger friendship.

But for the ones who didn't find school friends particularly, having out of school friends made a huge difference.

You’re very welcome. Yes, she’s doing well, though she’s recently been diagnosed with epilepsy. But she’s happy now, which is lovely to see. She was actually badly bullied during year 11 at high school.

But yes, there’s definitely hope for your DD, she sounds lovely and I’m sure she will find her tribe like my DD did.

Has she tried climbing? Solo if she wants to be, but with options of clubs working in pairs or bigger groups. IME (with a ND son) a nice accepting crowd

Aw I feel for you and your DD. What are your daughter's interests? I would get her involved in some clubs linked with that? Or try her with something new that you think she might enjoy. It's hard to make friends so role play at home, stories to read together about friends, and keep being you and asking for those playdates.

My daughter is has autism and inattentive ADHD and struggled with friendships at primary but things have got easier as she has grown and found her niche (now 14).

She sounds like my DD1 (now 16). She’s adopted and has probable FASD and is awaiting an ND assessment. (She has been described in a private assessment as being likely to have FASD and has traits of autism and ADHD.

Like the OP’s DD, she had very few play dates (apart from with neighbours along with DD2, who was always more popular back then). Unlike DD2, she had very few party invitations either. But then she found that she got on better with children who are a couple of years younger than she is, and now as a result has a nice friendship group. But it was such a long haul and there was a lot of hurt along the way.

I also wouldn’t recommend a big comprehensive, OP; DD1 couldn’t cope at all, and is now at a specialist college, where she’s thriving.

I also disagree with that, and I think @Stompythedinosaurmade very good points. Also, I don't see how your comments are helpful to the OP.

The OP is clearly attentive to the specific needs and traits of her DD, and looking for suggestions that may work with this specific individual. As I said, having the "autistic traits" of my DS validated by professionals was very helpful, and I don't care if Internet strangers think that he (or I, for that matter) is "autistic enough".

He had specific needs and traits and we dealt with them. We didn't pretend "everybody has it".

My daughter is has autism and inattentive ADHD and struggled with friendships at primary but things have got easier as she has grown and found her niche (now 14).

My biggest recommendation (and others have already said it) is to try and tap into some extracurricular interest. This is great for autistic girls because they get to interact in a time limited way, with structure around a shared interest. It's so much easier.

My daughter does a niche sport as she not traditionally sporty, does music and does cadets. She has developed very close friendships in each of these areas. Her best friend is from her sport and it works so well. It's the type of sport with a fair bit of parent support so I've got to know the mum well and we can help manage the relationship a bit and they have lots of sleepovers and get togethers but they go to a different school so dd does not have to manage group dynamics in the same way and if school is tricky she always has her friend.

You have to find something that genuinely really interests her, which means trying ALOT of things. This is challenging because autistic people tend not to like new things. I shamelessly used bribery. It only works if they genuinely love it because then the people they meet also love it and then socialising is so much easier.....always something to talk about.

My daughter isn't a horse rider but horse riding is a good call. If you are a horsey girl... You will have a crew!

Is there a reason she/you desperately want to go on playdates?
My NT children (age 9 and 11) don't do playdates.
You mention she does activities outside of school so can you talk to her about that being enough and that she enjoys doing these and at school it sounds like she does get on with other children (just not having a best friend which isn't that uncommon).

Hi op, your dd sounds lovely! There's a group in our nearest town that I think is affiliated with the Daisy Chain Project, they run a weekly group for tween / teen girls, might be an idea seeing if there's something near you, this one is quite crafty and they seem to take along things they are working on and chat.

I don't think this is correct.

A common misunderstanding is that when we say autism is a spectrum disorder it means we are all on a linear spectrum of less autistic to more autistic. But that isn't correct.

It's a spectrum disorder because there are a variety of features which can all be more or less present, meaning that different people who all have autism may all present quite differently.

The reason we are trying to move away from the idea that "everyone has autistic traits", is that it trivialises the experience of people with autism.

Because we ALL have autistic traits to some degree. Some of us dont like socialising with certain people. Some of us fall for mind games more easily than others. Some of us might have weird interests or a silly sense of humour.

Autism is when you have enough of those oddities according to some criteria where its obvious to a doctor that they do think differently and can form a proper diagnosis.

My son struggles with exactly the same issues. He's 11, just transitioned to secondary and was diagnosed with ASD at the end of last term. I very much recognise the rigidity and it can make interaction with peers difficult.

We have a helpful report listing various avenues of support. If you want to DM me, I'll happily send the links and reading recommendations from there.

It's tough, and my heart goes out to you.

What difference does it make if she's "NT with autistic traits"? That was precisely the conclusion of the experts of the neuropediatrics department of St Thomas hospital about my DS. (They didn't say "NT" but said he had autistic traits, not necessarily autistic). It was very useful to have my concerns validated and with the experts report we could make accommodations for his "traits".