ND girl who doesn't fit in

My experience was that 8-10 is prime sleepover age. My teens go on sleepovers far less often now than they did at that age. Things have changed a lot since I was a kid!

Do you not also just feel that they are too young for sleepovers? I would not allow my child to sleep over in a friends house. I would be happy to have someone else's child sleep at ours but that also comes with risks.

I second this. It would be nice if the parents wanted to facilitate meetings, value the friendship with your daughter etc but really, what is most important is that your daughter is happy and feels that she has friends.

The constamt demand for socialising is absolutely draining and has, by far, been the most challenging part of my parenting journey

I relate @January2026

DD is aware some of her pals are having sleepovers and is desperate for a sleepover, but I just don’t feel like she has a close enough friend for that, I still don’t know the other kids or parents that well!

I love this! ❤️

My DD(8) sounds very similar to yours, OP. I
have been diagnosed as AuDHD as an adult and DD is waiting for assessments. She wants social contact all the time but often feels like she doesn’t fit in. It’s emotionally exhausting. She goes to a theatre group and Cubs, which she enjoys, but asks for play dates constantly. I feel your frustration and heartbreak and just wanted to send some solidarity. I’m trying to focus on building up her self esteem and finding activities she enjoys and trusting that the close friendships she craves will come with time, experience and maturity. But I am anticipating a bumpy road ahead through adolescence 😬

I also know that I was very similar as a child, had awful friendship experiences for many years, but found meaningful connections in my later teenage years (through special interests) and ever since have had rock solid, fabulous friendships, albeit I will always choose quality over quantity when it comes to friendships and socialising. These brilliant girls will eventually find people who cherish them for who they are, I’m sure, and who will honour their loyalty, enthusiasm and generosity, rather than use it against them. We have to keep optimistic for them and encourage them to lean into what makes them tick.

@January2026
up to age 10 I would say adult friendships are the main factor in who gets play dates / invites.

My friend’s daughter is so shy (by her own admission) you can’t imagine her peers queuing up to invite her to stuff (she literally sits at the side with her mum at parties). But she gets ALL the invites because her parents are lovely, highly social, and were hugely proactive in integrating themselves with other families when their DD started school. (Like I think in the first month my friend contacted all the other parents individually and did a coffee etc)

The kids I have had round to play are ones where I like the parents. There’s a couple of kids I avoid inviting, one because I invited her once and she spent the whole play date asking for the iPad, another because she wanted “to have a toy fight” and throw toys around which just isn’t the vibe in our house and another because she’s a bit of a boundary-pusher but I don’t feel like her parents would be ok with me telling her off if that makes sense. Just a feeling I get. All quite minor reasons, but the bottom line is I invite the kids who are easy round!

oh and another kid I avoid is one where the mum is always asking for favours on the school WhatApp group and I suspect if I interact with her I’ll be getting asked for a lot of favours!

Oh and one where the mum just ignores everyone and I just don’t feel like I know her or that family at all.

Id try and get her into some sports that hyper/autistic girls might get involved with. I know as an adult climbing/bouldering attracts a very neurodiverse crowd and so does things like circus/acrobatics. Horses or something else with animals can also be great for girls like yours. Avoid things the 'cool' girls would do like gymnastics or netball.

If it helps, I noticed that in years 7 and 8 the sexes at secondary school avoided each other as though they were radioactive, whereas as they matured mixed- sex friendships suddenly became acceptable again. DS1 is in Y11 and his best friend has been a girl for the last couple of years.

Lol, I just had a visceral disgust response to all that smiling and hugging....ugh! 😆

Hopefully she'll soon find some sane people who enjoy interacting in normal, sensible ways like mutual information dumping with minimal eye contact.

(Slightly tongue in cheek before I get jumped on!)

Yes, seconding, or thirding, horse riding, if she will give it a go.

You have to concentrate fairly hard unless you are a real natural, especially when you are being taught rather than riding out. There is always something practical (and pretty physical/busy) to do and to learn even when not riding, and you bond with the animals which can help if there are times when conversation is not bubbling over. I had social drawbacks such as you describe; I didn't ever even overcome the underlying fear I had of riding, but it was the one group that actually made me develop, even at points where the feeling of real friendliness dropped and then rose again.

It's also possible to go away for riding holidays around your teens where it's similar to a residential holiday camp and you have the same pony to look after all week as well - some of my friends begged to do this every year.

Interesting, that's one of the only sports my DS will contemplate. Something about propriocentesis.

I agree with that. DS (currently year 6) has has very few play dates since he moved school (he used to go to a laid back, hippyish school with loads of ND kids, but for practical reasons I moved him to the school 100m away from home. He's shining academically, but socially it's not great).

I understand that part of this is my face not fitting with the parents in his new class though! Which is crucial I think at primary age- so often who your child plays with depends on how you get on with the other parents.

He does go to Scouts though and absolutely loves it- structured socialising is great for autistic people (I prefer it myself!). Certainly a lot of the older Scouts are/ seem to be on the spectrum. This has the additional benefit that when he goes to secondary in September he will have friends in older year groups to look out for him.

I strongly agree about encouraging interests out of school.

My dd (year 3) doesn’t get invited to parties / play dates from school classmates .

I suspect in our case that’s because half of the mums seem quite clique-y and I am not in the clique (because I don’t like going out and drinking huge amounts of wine) and the other half of the mums are just a bit rubbish and disorganised (harsh but true) . So probably nothing personal …..but who knows?!

My DD is also quite full on - e.g approaches random kids in parks all the time, and talks a lot. So maybe not everyone’s cup of tea.

Anyway this past year I have focussed on out of school relationships. I’ve found DD plays nicely with the kids from our road (mixed sex, mixed ages between 3-10) so I’ve arranged a few meet ups.

DD also does horse riding & paddleboarding (paddleboarding just in summer!) which she LOVES and has made connections there.

I think having a life and interests of her own outside school has been hugely positive and her classmates are no longer the be-all-and-end-all.

I also talk to her a lot about how we won’t make friends with everyone in life and that is fine.

I am mid-40s and only met one of my closest friends at 40, we just met and clicked. We are both people other people might think are a bit odd tbh! (I think we’re both fantastic though)!

Best of luck op. You and your DD sound lovely.

I feel for you. Your daughter sounds lovely and it reads like she actually gets on with the girls in her class. I wonder if the hesitation might actually come from the parents of other girls? Certain behavioural things such as being very active might feel more full on in a confined space. Or it can even be a random thing like being picky about food. Not saying she’s any of these but I can share these things make me prefer to host some girls over others.

Perhaps suggest a casual, outside of home play date such as an hour after school at a local park? I find that helpful to accommodate friends my daughter enjoys playing with but I don’t feel comfortable hosting for whatever reason.

This is very intense. If I'd met a child who behaved like then when I was young I'd have felt extremely uncomfortable. As an adult I don't like people who are ' full on' from the start. You know your daughter is lovely and has the best of intentions but it would have completely freaked me out tbh. If I was with my grandchildren and a child approached and behaved in this way I'm afraid neither of them would be comfortable with it and we'd make an excuse to leave.

When my children were in the play date stage of life I was as concerned with the family of any child they might ask to go to the house of as I was with the child . There were some friends where the child was perfectly nice , and I was very happy to have the child at my house, but there was no chance I'd let my child go to their house.

My great niece struggled socially due to ASD, however she also, through school, got into horse riding, she eventually did 3 days at school and 2 days at stables and is thriving, she has a group of friends who also go to the stables, and she is hoping to get an apprenticeship there when she leaves school. Might be something worth trying

I'd really recommend drama / dance / singing - I have loads of ND students who have thrived in drama and found friends.

My ND daughter is very much like this, is honestly the kindest person I know! Brave for puberty though as my daughters sensitivity is one of the most beautiful things about her..... however it is such a hindrance as she feels so deeply and gets really upset very easily.
Primary school wasn't too bad regarding friends as there was a couple more kids like her, secondary school on the other hand is a whole different ball game. She is now 12 amd year 8 and has really rrally struggled. It took her nearly an entire year to make 1 friend, she is alot better amd comfortable atound boys than girls.
I think all you can do is try amd bring to clubs, I take mine to scouts. She is attached to hwr sister there, and won't let me leave the building (thankfully they have another room with no kids i can go and wait in) but as time has gone on she comes to find me less and less

Came on to send hugs. Heartbreaking read. My DD is autistic and struggles so much with friendships. We’ve seen unkindness first hand since she was about 7, the sniggering behind her back, the lack of fair play in a dodgeball game all while parents of apparent little angels watched on 😢😢😢 ( I’m actually crying thinking about it ) We joined a local autism activity offer but she’s either between ages or won’t do the activities on offer. It might be work looking at Autism inclusion (or equivalent in your area)

My youngest is 7, to say shes a tomboy is an understatement, there is absolutely nothing remotely feminine about her and shes never fit in with other girls

She has extreme behavioural issues and no longer goes to school because we had a lot of concerns about the local one, the boys there (its a rough area where a lot of parents encourage bad behaviour like swearing, violence, bulliyng. So a lot of their bad behaviour rubbed off on her), and we felt like the teachers werent taking our concerns seriously.

Shes very sporty but she also loves her lego (especially the cars and star wars), she really focuses when she gets stuck into them with her dad. But shes also very lonely right now. Id love for her to meet other girls who arent the 'girly girl' sort but shes so boisterous and black and white in her thinking she only wants to play with boys, every time i suggested girls sporting clubs to her she just says she wants to play with the boys