Husband RANT. Help!

Routine is how he should manage the ADHD in the morning!

What he means is it's too hard and he doesn't want to put in the effort.

The only way we get out of the house, generally with everything we need, on time, is because we have routine. When we first started, I actually had alarms go off to tell people to do things/tell them what should have already been done.

Winging it is more stressful than figuring out the plan and sticking to it, although figuring out the plan and sticking to it is really hard for the first few weeks (or for the first few days when back from holidays)

By taking him his tea and waking him up, you're still taking responsibility for him starting his task - the trouble is I don't see what you can do if he won't engage, and won't actually listen to the issue and doesn't want to resolve it (apart from by you doing it all)

I highly recommend this book https://amzn.eu/d/6QdwMPf

As a starting point / guide.

Also not sure if you need to wait for him to join you in the car in the morning but I would absolutely leave without him if he’s delaying leaving as others have suggested.

a good mix of natural consequences and cooperation from him is what’s needed in my experience.

If you suspect your husband has ADHD, you could look up resources to help with motivation and planning, ADDitude is good like this article: https://www.additudemag.com/how-to-stick-to-a-routine-adhd/amp/
If you suspect he has PDA then there is a great website that might help contextualise it: https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda/

If you suspect you are autistic then there are also resources for you, but a key one will be taking back rest time to ensure you don't burn out with all this effort. While your husband is learning a new morning routine, perhaps he takes dinner and bedtime off your hands so you can have time alone.

If you suspect your daughter has ADHD the best thing to do is confirm it by diagnosis. She may need extra help further along in education.

I have severe ADHD, my oldest has severe adhd and the other two have an element of it. We also have two children with autism but neither dh or myself are diagnosed (but not without traits).

My husband has never helped with the kids in the morning either because he was up
and away to work before they were up or because he was working away. I’m not saying this to illustrate that your husband shouldn’t be helping, actually the opposite. As a parent with adhd (diagnosed only 2 years ago so not managed/medicated until then) I had to get up, get them up, fed, dressed etc. He can do it he just won’t because he knows you’ll pick up the slack.

Pain and lack of sleep is no excuse. We all have to parent when we are ill or in pain, particularly when we were well enough for golf! If you have pain, take tablet but if you whinge that you “don’t like taking tablets” you deserve a punch in the crotch!

He’s doing so much “fun time father” that there’s no room for you to do any fun because it’s only you doing the organising and disciplining. You can’t chill because he’s not taking his share of the load. Then at the end of his nice chill day he’s in the mood for a shag utterly unaware quite what a turn off it is having to be the only parent in the family.

As you can see by my user name I’ve got experience with this 🤪🫠

I’ll start by saying my husband did get assessed in 2018 and is on meds for ADHD now / has sought other support but most importantly he knows he needs to listen to me and sometimes take my lead on the executive function side of things because he accepts he can’t do this side of things to an acceptable level without support.

without this we would 100% be divorced.

He really struggles in the morning so we have a super strict morning routine. He sets his alarm and wakes up at 06:30 (a time I have suggested so we have enough time to have a peaceful morning) and he gets up first and showers (sometimes with prompts from me as otherwise he falls asleep again) then I get up and shower while he goes down to cook us breakfast.

He zones out while he cooks while I manage the kids (chat to them/ help them make breakfast/ remind them to pack their homework/ pe kit/ instruments)- this is us playing to our strengths. He then prepares kids meals for school and drives the kids in when necessary.

I’m sure some people would think I’m nuts / controlling but this is the only way for our family to get the kids off to school without drama.

we have 3 kids and 2 have diagnosed Autism/ ADHD and my daughter is just like yours needs constant checking / reminders although she seems to have suddenly turned a corner now at age 13 and is come done to breakfast dressed in her uniform! Whoop!🙌

It’s not easy. We have used marriage counselling a few times to help us get to where we are. I recommend it for breaking through the denial phase.

You can’t solve this without his cooperation.

Ok so question for you OP. Would it be simpler to detatch from him and do the morning routine by yourself, calmly and in a structured way?

obviously this is NOT sustainable but it might help you this week to be calm and have a decent routine. You’re understandably super stressed and I’m thinking of calming you down in the immediate term.

The reason I’m saying detatch from him is that you’re taking responsibility for him getting up and getting to work. That’s not your job at all.

why don’t you try not communicating with him in the morning just go about your business. If he needs to get in the car to go to work then say « we’re leaving at x time if you’re not ready then we’re going without you » then follow through and go without him.

He needs to really feel the consequences of his actions- getting a taxi to work or being late is a natural consequence. He is an ADULT not a child and he needs to take responsibility for his actions.

Longer term, you need to think about whether life would be easier without him. If you had the kids half the week you’d have 2/3 week days of getting them ready alone in a structured way and then 2/3 week days off. That sounds better to me.

You need to drop all this agonising over suspected this and undiagnosed that. All BS by the sounds of it.

You have differing parenting styles and he's relying on your need to have things sorted and ready to forego his 50% of the responsibilities.

Let him know that once you're divorced, 50% of the mornings will be his to manage 100%

A man like this would be such an ICK for me!!
Pp advice is perfect. Ignore him let him sort himself out, he is not helping you he is making it so much harder on you,
In all honesty i couldn't put up with this at all does he have any redeeming qualities?

How old are kids?

I see where you’re coming from but Personally I couldn’t go out the house all morning and ignore my children/not get them ready for school, not take them to school…. mine are young though and would be really upset and confused if I did this. And i would end up with the school calling me and asking where the kids were etc. Unsure of ages of ops kids.

This is why I ignore my husband but get the kids and myself ready.

This is the best advice OP so please follow it.Itscoldoutsidebaby has written exactly what I would have sent to you. He needs to grow up and get out of bed like millions of other couples with children. No more taking him cups of tea. Your DDs would be sad seeing their mum crying all the way to school.

Say nothing as if it hasn’t happened.
Tomorrow, as soon as you wake up, get washed and dressed, put your coat on and go for a long walk, way past 9 o’clock. Forget what needs to be done in the house to get your DC to school. Turn your back on it. He’s equally your DDs’ parent and accountable to school. Hold that thought.
Keep going out until you get what you want and need.
You don’t need this shit, for shit it is, not ND.
He doesn’t have a problem with routine, reliability and accountability in his job, does he? Of course he doesn’t.
He’s enjoying stressing you out and using the children as pawns. Give him a blunt shock by being unreliable and unpredictable.

Brilliant advice! Do this OP.

Can he do all of bath/bedtime or a whole different job every day? The morning routine sounds horrendous for your children, they must be arriving at school utterly miserable.

He’s a lazy shit and who cares if he may or may not have ADHD? No one seems to have been diagnosed with anything but your post is peppered with terminology which is complicating things rather than helping. Stop obsessing about all of that and be realistic about improving things. You think you’re winning by trying to drag him into morning competence while pandering with tea in bed and repetitive wake ups. Why? Give up on him being any use in the morning but stop the enabling, focus on yourself and the girls when time is an issue and get him doing something else.

Or divorce him. At least your girls won’t grow up in a resentful explosive war zone. Without you to mummy him he’ll find ways to get to work on time. Or he won’t. But it won’t be your problem 🤷‍♀️

He sounds like a liability at best, and weaponised incompetence at worst. Not surprised you want things to change.

Depending on the ages of the girls, I would be tempted to leave the house at the time you need to go, with one or both girls, depending on who is ready, and leaving him with one or both girls. Let them all see, and deal with, the consequences of their behaviour.
Difficult for you to follow through (and will definitely cause you stress on the day) but I'd like to think you wouldn't have to actually do it too often for the penny to drop that you are serious and no longer willing to put up with this every morning.
I realise this will also impact the girls but hopefully a short, sharp shock with be enough 🤞

He's a fucking burden. What a life to live.
Glad my husband is 75 and I don't have children.
I'm also ND.
You would be better off without him at the family home.
A fact.

Cut him out of the morning routine.

Accept that you will do ALL the morning routine by yourself. Just leave him in bed. Don't make him tea.
Leave the house without him if he is not ready on the dot - I really mean this. You have to get deadly serious and follow through with consequences. You need be on time, so if he is not ready, he gets left behind and has to sort himself out an Uber or taxi.

To even it out, give him some other chunk of time in the day to manage, e.g. does he do school pick ups? Make evening meal? Do the bedtimes? Or give him responsibility for all weekend activities / clubs / parties, plus weekend meals.
During 'his responsibility' time, put your feet up and don't get involved.

You are not going to solve this by trying to change him. You have to make it work around him, in spite of him.

My husband is like this. ADHD. I also have two young kids to get ready in the mornings and myself for work.

I’m a little bit confused about the details of your morning and who needs to be where, but my general stance now is that I don’t bother to get my husband ready or wake him or interact with him at all in the morning as it just causes me too much stress! He is very grumpy in the mornings, totally disorganised, doesn’t get up, doesn’t have his stuff ready in advance… I cannot be responsible for him anymore.

(I also no longer do his laundry or remind him to get his clothes ready the night before he has an important meeting or anything like that).

I focus on myself on the kids and make sure we all leave the house on time…. and I pretty much ignore my husband.

I also do this when we’re getting ready for days out. I will give him one or two “we are getting in the car and driving away in five minutes” warnings but I have been known to drive off without him.

He likes to go for an extended toilet trip, have a shower or start doing a job just as the rest of us are leaving the house. I don’t argue with him anymore. I simply tell him what time we are leaving we’ll wait for a minute or two once I’ve got the kids into the car but then I drive off! He has had to make his own way places before!

You need to jettison responsibility for men like this an be brutal. It takes practice when you have had years of filling in the gaps for them and basically parenting them. Just focus on Yourself and the children. You cannot be dragging him along and trying to reconcile the chaos of people like this… Let them wallow in their chaos and you focus on yourself and your sanity.

I may sound harsh, but I have had years of this and it’s nearly brought me to a nervous breakdown. I realised that when my husband was away on trips that life was so much easier just focusing on myself and the children so now I re-create that even when he is around!

and :

STOP MAKING HIM TEA - IGNORE HIM

DONT RESPOND TO HIS COMMANDS - IGNORE HIM

I voted YABU for putting up with this shit.

Get yourself ready, get the kids ready, and walk out the door at the agreed time.

You’ll be amazed how much easier your morning routine is when you take your useless husband out of the equation.

Stop enabling his shitty behaviour. Don’t waken him up - he’s an adult and is perfectly capable of getting himself up, also stop with the tea in bed, you’re not his maid. Get the kids washed and dressed before breakfast, pack their bags the night before and have packed lunches/snacks ready to go into bags in the fridge if they need to be kept chilled. If he’s not ready leave without him. If he’s not willing to take responsibility for himself it’s not your problem, it’s his. It doesn’t solve you having to do mornings by yourself though, unless you read him the riot act nothing will change but at least doing it yourself will cut down the stress you’re having trying to manage him as well as the children. You’ve let him off with doing mornings for a number of years of course he’s not going to want to help because he’s watched you doing it all while he’s languishing in bed with a cup of tea. If he won’t change leave, at least your life will be calmer than having to parent a man child.

OP no actual grown up goes back to bed to wake up. This is nothing to do with being potentially ND - even if he is he has responsibilities and needs to work out how he can adult. Strip out all the extraneous parts of your post and what you have is a lazy fucker for a husband. You need to read him the riot act and tell him to grow up or you will LTB.

Nothing in his behaviour can be excused. He has children, and family responsibilities. If he can't see that, or fails to fulfil those duties and responsibilities, he doesn't deserve to have the benefits of living within a family unit.

You don’t need to be autistic to appreciate that a morning routine is VITAL.

Tea in bed on a weekday? PLEASE no.

can you make him take the kids to school? Why does he need so much time in bed?

if he should be able to get out of bed: light on, curtains open, window open, pull the duvet off say “your tea is downstairs ready for you.”