Patience going with immature friend

This is my mother OP, many similarities. I tolerated her ‘quirky’ behaviour for years as calling her inappropriate comments out only caused arguments. She is never wrong, everyone is jealous of her blah blah. Always needing to be centre of attention- it is indeed exhausting especially when she would mock me for being sensible or ‘boring’. I sympathise with you. For posters mentioning ND, autism etc maybe she is BUT we cannot keep labelling poor behaviour blithely. There are many ND and autistic people who are perfectly pleasant.

This creeps in on the Elderly Parents board. Obnoxiously stubborn elderly people where it is suggested that they might have dementia. In reality if they have always been obnoxious and stubborn it is simply amplified in old age. Again, there are people with dementia diagnosis who are perfectly lovely.

I would add that you are probably also heading to the phase of life where you cannot tolerate BS behaviours.

Again, sounds indicative of autistic traits. You seem extremely sure that she has no issues like this and is just immature but everything you say suggests that she has an inability to read social cues and struggles with career and relationships. The constant bombardment of the OAP messages also screams inability to read cues.
I guess if you want to believe that she’s just some immature bitch, go ahead but it doesn’t sound like it and I would be more understanding.
I have a relative who is quite obviously neurodivergent but his family are insistent that he’s lazy/stupid/unmotivated and that if he only pulled himself together, his life would be fine. He’s about 50 now and it’s so sad that he’s lived his whole life being fundamentally misunderstood.

It's quite depressing how many people are saying she sounds autistic. Really? Autism isn't exactly the same for everyone. I'm autistic and don't behave like that. We're individuals with our own personality

Op, your friend sounds annoying and immature. Cut her off

As many have said she sounds annoying as hell, but she also sounds deeply unhappy. Those who set out to upset others- and her behaviour is hurtful as well as annoying are generally hurting themselves. It sounds like she's probably not very happy with her own life. I find the best response to someone who makes a rude comment is 'are you okay' as it shows compassion but also demonstrates that the behaviour indicates that they are not okay. Perhaps she just really needs someone to talk to.

Why can't you simply refer to this friend as "she"? Using "they" is very confusing as I can't figure out when you are referring to your group of friends, and when to this one particular friend.

I would simply stop engaging with her. I wouldn’t like that kind of friend. I’d be polite when I see her out and about but I wouldn’t text or call her, ever. Perhaps talk to the others and see what they say?

Tbh even if she has not been diagnosed she sounds like she does have issues, whether learning difficulties, ND or mental health ones. The fact someone else assumed she had learning difficulties says a lot and the behaviour described is not your normal selfishness or just being self-absorbed. The fact that she’s been unable to leave home or progress in her career suggests some form of autism maybe, as well as the lack of understanding of social etiquette and coming across as immature. I know people like this and once you understand them better and adjust your expectations, it becomes a lot easier.

She sounds annoying as hell, I wouldn't care what the reason was either but I definitely wouldn't be seen in public with her . Id be blocking her and moving on.

I have no idea why you’re still friends with this person. What do you get out of it?

I had a friend like this. Fun, creative, entertaining, eccentric... in our late teens/ early twenties. Now into our thirties, she still behaves erratically and overshares, including in public, and likes to suggest anyone who finds it uncomfortable is just a boring conformist, can't hold a conversation about anything serious, behaves oddly in front of new people, and still lives with her (dysfunctional) family, with no real career and having never had a stable relationship.

I have genuinely great memories of our younger years, and I know the way she behaves now stems in large part from some really deep-seated pain and insecurity. But she's impossible to talk to about anything real, and I'm fed up of being made to feel like some square for having a normal job and relationship. Tried to talk to her once about some serious relationship issues I was having, and got back a dismissive comment about "boys", when I was talking about my partner of several years. She won't engage with anything related to my career either. I still see her very occasionally as we have a mutual friend, and I do wish her the best, but I couldn't hang anymore. If she wants to know why, she's free to ask, but I don't hear from her. I think it's OK for you to feel the same way about your 'friend'.

Let's not jump straight to pathologising someone. She might very well just be a dick.

Hi OP, what was the particular thing she did this week? All the examples given sound extremely wearing.

I would say immature would be acting as you did when you were 18 - going out drinking a lot, making poor relationship decisions, ostrich head in sand attitude towards finances, skipping work because you are hungover / can’t be bothered, that sort of a thing. Poking a waiter, randomly shouting out words, etc. is more than immaturity, it sounds like an impulse control disorder (which I believe is different from a learning disability, but could appear similar).

I don't know. I went out with a man (who was subsequently diagnosed as autistic) who had a lot of the same attributes. He was in his forties but would behave like a young teenage boy in a lot of situations - he'd giggle wildly if anyone said 'tits' and then keep repeating it, he'd make inappropriate remarks (I can easily see him coming out with the 'vagina' one if I told him I went for a smear). He had no idea of what was appropriate and if he thought something was funny it would be repeated over and over.

To be fair, I don't know if this was the autism or just how he was, although knowing a few other people with quite severe autism, many of the immature behaviours do seem to be common.

ETA. My eldest daughter has autism but with her it doesn't manifest in this kind of behaviour, although it does make her behave 'younger' in some situations. She has learned what is NOT appropriate to say!

I wouldn't have lasted 10mins with her, awful

I really don't think this sounds ND or autistic.

Someone with learning difficulties is a separate matter as not all folks with an ND condition have learning difficulties.

Sorry but no it does not sound autistic at all.

She's clearly someone who has to be the centre of attention, at all times. Everything, no matter how small is a drama. Do the rest of the group feel the same way towards her? If they do, and you have stated you've all spoken to her regarding her behaviour, and nothing changes, then all of you step back from the friendship. Set up a separate WhatsApp group with the other women, and exclude her. Taking to her isn't going to change the situation, other than perhaps letting her know, you won't be her friend any longer and why. She won't change her behaviour because she won't see that she's doing anything wrong.

It is entirely possible that there's more going on than her simply being obnoxious. She appears to have no self-awareness, no empathy, self-centred and impulsive.

You don't need anyone's permission to end a friendship, and if you actively dislike the person you should. I'd consider how you want to handle the group dynamic going forwards before doing anything though - depends if the rest of the group is fed up as well.

Whatever you do I wouldn't be going anywhere for food with her again if she's that obnoxious to the waiter!

She sounds insufferable. What do the rest of the group think about it?

Who is the admin? I would delete her idiotic rude comments - esp regarding medical procedures and why the hell are you disrupting time with DC for her? You all pander to her and make her think it's fine. I would not last 5 mins.

No she doesn't, she sounds insufferable. I'd have quietly left her to it years ago, or lost my shit. One of the two. (I rarely lose my shit, when I do I really lose it.) I'm an autistic woman who knows how to behave myself in public.

(Insert a 'When you're tired of autistic people but you are an autistic people' thingy. It's a Facebook group of which I am a member of.)

It can be both. I’ve known neurodivergent people who were brilliant, funny and interesting (my DP, DD, a couple of old friends) but also some who were massive, selfish bellends and/or incredibly annoying or embarrassing (DP’s siblings, his mum, friends of friends, a girl who attached herself to my DD).

Either way, you don’t owe her a friendship, I was just interested because sometimes it can explain differences in behaviour and you can give a bit of leeway. It sounds like you’ve all tried to reason with her and got nowhere.

Are you sure she doesn't have any learning difficulties or ND like autism because it sounds like she absolutely does.

I couldn't be friends with someone who behaves like that constantly and I don't get why you're still friends with her, especially after the smear test comment. Has she never had sex or had a smear test or anything herself? If so she would have also had to "let someone up her vagina" at some point. That sounds like something a 10yr old would say tbh.