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Original poster

Patience going with immature friend

235 replies

Spaghettihoops2026 · 06/01/2026 10:37

I have a group of about 5 friends who have all been friends for 20 years plus.

One of them has always been immature but over the past year it has for some reason really started to grate on me. We all turned 40 this year. The more the group grows up and moves to new stages of life the worse this one friend gets, but this week they did something that disgusted me so much I no longer know if I want to continue the friendship.

Examples of behaviour, but this behaviour is constant:

. We have a group chat for general catch up/ meet up arrangements/ kids birthday reminders etc. They text all day on chat then gets annoyed when people don't respond because we are at work.
. Whenever a serious conversation is being had ie: another friend was having some cells removed after a smear test and this friend in between our conversation with the others was saying things like 'ewwww you have to let someone up your vagina'
. Whenever anyone reaches a landmark- buying a house/ having a kid/ getting a promotion they change the subject back to themselves and start saying we are all conformists.
. I said the other day I was going to the garden centre and they started just repeatedly sending pictures of OAPs to my phone.
. Another one of our group befriended a single mum from school and bought her out for dinner and when she got home text my friend a genuinely lovely message saying how amazing it is we have a friend with learning difficulties, it gives her hope for her daughter. The immature friend has no learning difficulties.
. Had a tantrum two of the girls in the group went for drinks together and didn't invite the rest of us.
. I just took my youngest daughter to college open day and said friend spent the entirety of it texting me saying she needed urgent help until I left the room to call her and she went JOKING and hung up.

Typing this out it sounds insane, but it has unfortunately been normalised over 20 plus years, until now.

They live at home still, have a job which they keep being offered promotions in but won't take.

Half of the people that meet this person find them endearing in an entertaining way as it's like having a bouncy toddler around, the other half ask how we are friends.

This week she had a tantrum at a family members funeral because she wanted to cut a cake early, resulting in her mum crying.

I guess I'm looking for permission to end the friendship without sounding like a jumped up cow but I have had enough. I want to live my adult life with my adult friends.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 06/01/2026 15:07

I'm just surprised you haven't told her to fuck off already. I would have, but then I lost patience with that sort of shit a looong time ago.

miliop · 06/01/2026 15:00

I feel quite sorry for her, to be honest. It must be very strange watching your friends get married, buy houses, have kids etc, when you're still living like a teenager. Obviously I have no idea why she is the way she is, but it doesn't sound much fun.

However, her behaviour would drive me insane. Cut the friendship as cleanly and kindly as you can.

TheRuffleandthePearl · 06/01/2026 14:57

courageiscontagious · 06/01/2026 12:51

She sounds autistic.

Why were you continuously updating a group chat from a garden centre? Especially when someone was just mocking you in response.

anyway- autistic or not- you don’t need to be around behaviour like that. Poking the waiter alone would have had me telling her to get her coat. How embarrassing.

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She doesn’t to me. In my personal experience of family and friends who are autistic, they try SO hard to behave “well”, to watch for social clues, to make sure they don’t embarrass themselves or anyone in public. Then go home and decompress!

She sounds like she lacks any self awareness. This is not the same as autism.

justasking111 · 06/01/2026 14:57

We know someone like this late fifties now. Even her 38 year old daughter who was basically raised by granny has lost patience now. A middle aged teenage mother who's flaky and always right is frustrating.

Loullybelle · 06/01/2026 14:55

For who, though?

CountDownToSpring · 06/01/2026 14:54

How would you feel if one of your children had to put up with this kind of friend for the rest of their lives, what advice would you give. Just move on from her, she adds nothing to your life.

francii · 06/01/2026 14:40

Not being diagnosed doesn’t mean she doesn’t have learning difficulties. She sounds like she doesn’t know how to behave in public and can’t take hints from others’ behaviour. I wonder if she is autistic. A “failure to launch” is very common with autistic women, I have a sister who still lives at home at 25 and my 18yo is really struggling to find her way in the world.

However, none of this possible explanation obligates you to consider the friendship. She sounds exhausting and immature and you’ve every right to just protect your peace and phase her out. Just make sure your other friends are on board or you’ll end up in a huge drama.

Cardinalita90 · 06/01/2026 14:37

Spaghettihoops2026 · 06/01/2026 14:19

She has been offered multiple promotions, she is good at her job. She says she doesn't want the responsibility. She has also had some lovely men interested in her- but she has a habit of getting the ick easily and then not cancelling the date and finding it really funny they are waiting for her knowing she's not coming. She messages us about it like we are 15 when people say that's rude etc she then throws a strop and calls us boring.

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That is disgrace, I couldn't be friends with or have any respect for someone who chooses to stand people up. Let alone finds it funny! The humiliation of being stood up whatever your gender can seriously knock your confidence.

She doesn't respect other people, your boundaries, or feelings so just cut this awful person off. She's used to everyone rolling over and accepting it so.has no impetus to change.

OneShyQuail · 06/01/2026 14:32

Sounds to me like she has nothing better to do....sad really!

ThatCyanCat · 06/01/2026 14:23

Spaghettihoops2026 · 06/01/2026 14:19

She has been offered multiple promotions, she is good at her job. She says she doesn't want the responsibility. She has also had some lovely men interested in her- but she has a habit of getting the ick easily and then not cancelling the date and finding it really funny they are waiting for her knowing she's not coming. She messages us about it like we are 15 when people say that's rude etc she then throws a strop and calls us boring.

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This doesn't sound like autism or ADHD or learning disability. This just sounds like shitehawkery.

Original poster
Spaghettihoops2026 · 06/01/2026 14:19

Catinabeanbag · 06/01/2026 14:17

Maybe she's lonely and doesn't know how to say so or deal with it appropriately.... and so she acts out to get attention - albeit the wrong way.
It must be weird for her seeing people her age married, with kids and careers and she's still living at home and not progressing much at work. Maybe she's not been given the chance to or shown how to grow up, which is a bit sad really.
Not to say you should still be friends with her as there's only so far one's patience can go....

She has been offered multiple promotions, she is good at her job. She says she doesn't want the responsibility. She has also had some lovely men interested in her- but she has a habit of getting the ick easily and then not cancelling the date and finding it really funny they are waiting for her knowing she's not coming. She messages us about it like we are 15 when people say that's rude etc she then throws a strop and calls us boring.

OP posts:
EchoesOfOurDreams · 06/01/2026 14:19

Spaghettihoops2026 · 06/01/2026 13:57

I think so now, I have been SO lenient. A mutual friend recently got pregnant and the immature woman replied saying when did we all turn into conformist robots. I said does it not occur to you that people just want children? It's just all so weird and I have three hormonal teenagers and I have no time for it 🙃

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Honestly I don't get how you are all still friends with her and haven't told her to fuck off already with her horrible insensitive comments.

Catinabeanbag · 06/01/2026 14:17

Maybe she's lonely and doesn't know how to say so or deal with it appropriately.... and so she acts out to get attention - albeit the wrong way.
It must be weird for her seeing people her age married, with kids and careers and she's still living at home and not progressing much at work. Maybe she's not been given the chance to or shown how to grow up, which is a bit sad really.
Not to say you should still be friends with her as there's only so far one's patience can go....

Emonade · 06/01/2026 14:16

grinchmcgrinchface · 06/01/2026 14:03

I would just make a separate whatsapp group and not invite her to it. Let the other one die. Doesn’t like any of you like her. She won’t change op especially if shes in her 40s and behaving like this.

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This is a very good idea

JoshLymanSwagger · 06/01/2026 14:15

Block her.
Let your friends know individually that you cannot take any more of her shit and you don't want anything more to do with her.

Life is too short.

Original poster
Spaghettihoops2026 · 06/01/2026 14:15

PluckyChancer · 06/01/2026 14:13

Why are you so convinced that she doesn’t have learning difficulties when everything you’ve said about her behaviour says the exact opposite?

I think you’re either embarrassed to finally realise that you’re friends with someone who isn’t NT like the rest of you or you’re being obtuse!

I have ADHD lol. I'm not a complete wanker to people.

OP posts:
Ryah76 · 06/01/2026 14:15

@Spaghettihoops2026 I think you know it’s time to end the relationship, she hasn’t grown up and is unlikely to do so. I would have a conversation, get it out your system and then phase her out of your life.

Original poster
Spaghettihoops2026 · 06/01/2026 14:14

ObladeeObladi · 06/01/2026 14:11

Wha does the rest of the group think? I mean will you be keeping the rest of your group of friends?

i’m 50 now, and I look back at 40 and realise that actually my hormones started to change then - loads of my friends found as we got through our 40s and perimenopause we just became less patient, less willing to take care of everybody else, more determined to look after ourselves and do as we wanted, I do suspect it’s a biological shift for a lot of people, so not surprising that you’re losing patience now.

One close friend removed themselves from the entire thing and still speaks with me. Another is happy to speak to her occassionally but only as she has rock solid boundaries and doesn't care who it annoys lol (which is obviously a good thing).

OP posts:
Emonade · 06/01/2026 14:14

Spaghettihoops2026 · 06/01/2026 12:30

Her parents are not. They have however bailed her out of everything and if she falls out with someone her mother is very much 'oh don't worry, they're just jealous of you'. I would agree ordinarily, but as soon as something is getting more attention than her she's quick to point it/the person out.

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She doesn’t sound remotely autistic and I don’t get why people are being so arsey about your new single mum friend!

PluckyChancer · 06/01/2026 14:13

Why are you so convinced that she doesn’t have learning difficulties when everything you’ve said about her behaviour says the exact opposite?

I think you’re either embarrassed to finally realise that you’re friends with someone who isn’t NT like the rest of you or you’re being obtuse!

Glowingup · 06/01/2026 14:13

BlueLegume · 06/01/2026 14:10

@Spaghettihoops2026 I am sensing @Glowingup is one of our contrary friends/thread derailing posters who will just continue to point out you are possibly the problem when you are not. Good luck. Some people just do not grow up. They do not need a label.

What am I trying to derail? The behaviour described wouldn’t be normal for a 21 year old either. This isn’t a case of someone just “not growing up”. And I did tell the OP to end the friendship if she wants to.

Original poster
Spaghettihoops2026 · 06/01/2026 14:13

Well1mBack · 06/01/2026 14:10

All your updates make me think that your friend is a twin of my ex friend!!! You need to step back and cut contact. If you can't do that, then reduce contact and just grey rock her from now on. I cannot tell you the relief I got from cutting my now ex friend out of my life.

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I think that's what I have been looking for in this answer. I feel horrible because we had some lovely times growing up, but my priorities have shifted and I can't tolerate the level of insane that's constantly coming my way.

OP posts:
ObladeeObladi · 06/01/2026 14:11

Wha does the rest of the group think? I mean will you be keeping the rest of your group of friends?

i’m 50 now, and I look back at 40 and realise that actually my hormones started to change then - loads of my friends found as we got through our 40s and perimenopause we just became less patient, less willing to take care of everybody else, more determined to look after ourselves and do as we wanted, I do suspect it’s a biological shift for a lot of people, so not surprising that you’re losing patience now.

BlueLegume · 06/01/2026 14:10

@Spaghettihoops2026 I am sensing @Glowingup is one of our contrary friends/thread derailing posters who will just continue to point out you are possibly the problem when you are not. Good luck. Some people just do not grow up. They do not need a label.

OnlyAfterwards · 06/01/2026 14:10

Spaghettihoops2026 · 06/01/2026 14:05

As I said, it's been 20 plus years and it's only just for some reason dawning on me that it will never change. I have put many, many years into her asking for help and me giving it- as have the rest of the friend group but there is nothing reciprocated other than stupid comments. So I have held onto it in the hope that she would grow up, but hasn't and now its directly impacting my actual day to day I will be fading out the friendship.

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It's just not clear why you're labelling this as 'immaturity'. The behaviour you describe wouldn't be normal for any age group.