Patience going with immature friend

Why she's like this isn't the issue, if the Op's finally had enough of her then she's free to drop her regardless.

Thing is even if she does have a cast iron diagnosis would that actually change anything? Would the op and others then be obliged to spend their precious energy on and hang out with her because she actually has BPD/ autistic diagnosis/ learning difficulties delete as applicable?

Possible borderline personality disorder?

Its really depressing on MN that so many people will trot out that it must be ND or MH when someone behaves this way. Sometimes people are just immature or jerks. It sounds like she has been spoiled and indulged for her entire life, and has resisted anything which would make her take on more responsibility. There was a woman like this in a group I belonged to - found herself adorable and expected every one else to as well. And got quite nasty if that did not happen. Do you think she winds you up in particular? Some people love to get a reaction from others.

I would step back. Be honest if she asks why.

Exactly this. I am autistic too but would like to think I don’t act like a twat. I can be a little immature sometimes but I lead a pretty normal life.

Like neurotypical’s, neurodiverse people can be twats too.

People are not diagnosing based on her being a twat, they are basing it on the other info given, the fact she still lives with her parents, hasn’t got a partner/husband or her own family, she sounds very immature and struggles with what’s acceptable when it comes to socialising. Though it makes no difference to OP if she is or not because no one has to be friends with someone just because they are autistic.

OP should just not be friends with her rather than moaning about her online. We all have a choice who we socialise with.

Autism isn't exactly the same for everyone.

I'm autistic and don't behave like that.

Well, exactly,.

She sounds utterly appalling and I'm not surprised you've had enough. She might have been mildly amusing when you were all 20, but at 40 ish it's just tedious.
The part about her calling you all conformists for buying houses, having kids etc really resonated with me - I have a family member who says similar things, as well as the rest of us being zombies, slaves to the system etc. It's all to make them feel better about being 50+ and not having a decent job, not owning a home and so on. We've never called this person out on not owning a house, not having a good job etc, yet they think it's fine to say the things they say to us.
Just obnoxious.

I used to know a chap like this and honestly, I don't think it was anything other than he had to be centre of attention with the best of everything. If anyone had something perceived to be better he'd run it down or tell everyone his was better.

eg. Someone had just moved into a new house. All they had said was there was a spare bedroom. He spent the evening telling everyone how his house was bigger. It wasn't.

I remember a particular time when he was talking about his cousin's wedding. He'd worked out where they were staying for the first night before they went off on honeymoon, and booked there (not where they'd had the wedding breakfast), and went down for breakfast and joined them at their table in the morning.
He thought this showed how wonderfully amazing he was and he'd given his cousin and wife a real treat by gracing them with his presence.

Those were the sort of things that everyone cringed at his behaviour and no one ever picked him up on it, so he thought everyone approved. I came across someone who knew him last year - I haven't seen him for 20 years now. Their comment was "why didn't his parents tell him how to behave" which is really the issue. No one has told him that his behaviour isn't adoringly cute, so he thinks everyone is in raptures when he recounts this sort of thing.

If she was your husband or wife, you would deal with the issue head on, and depending how she reacted, leave her if you still weren't happy.

A friendship is no different. Healthy relationships need to serve both parties - yes, there'll be times when one party takes more than they can give at that time, and yes, even the best of friends can be FUCKING ANNOYING - but in the round, you both need to be into it.

You are not into it. So don't think twice about cutting her out of your life.

She sounds extremely annoying.

Have you tried reading the OP's posts?

Give it a go!

I need to know what she did that disgusted you so much....

Sounds like a good premise for a comedy-drama

She sounds like an absolute twat op.. doesn’t sound like a nice person at all. I’d leave her to it

I think the examples you’ve given demonstrate that she’s lacking emotional intelligence and she must always be centre of attention. That’s not a learning difficulty, that’s a sign that she wasn’t taught that not everything is about her when she was a child. There’s still time for her but it might not be worth you hanging around or being the person who tries to fix it. I find the message from your new friend quite odd, by the way.

Start a new group chat. Slow fade.

Yes I’m going to be that wanker. I thought op made a typo but she kept saying it.

Your friend brought another friend to dinner, she did not buy her.

Another one of our group befriended a single mum from school and bought her out for dinner and when she got home text my friend a genuinely lovely message saying how amazing it is we have a friend with learning difficulties, it gives her hope for her daughter. The immature friend has no learning difficulties.
This really made me laugh.

It's annoying how many people on this date are desperate to diagnose any old arsehole as ND. Some people are just shits!

I would phase her out, not engage in texting with her and stick to only seeing her as part of the group. I've done this the last couple of yrs and just disengaged, as i didn't want to cause upset. No one's questionned me on it (so she probably didn't think much of me anyway) and we tend to only meet up as a group twice a yr

Is she “behaving horribly” or is she behaving in a way that indicates poor insight, poor self-regulation?

I wouldn’t call her behaviour, tho I can see it’s annoying.

I would set up a new group chat without her personally after checking individually with friends if they want to do that. And start phasing her out - dwindle down what goes on the current group chat and do more on the main chat. Otherwise you will have to leave the group yourself to stay out of this woman's orbit. But if others feel uncomfortable with the above plan then I think you will just have to stay in touch with the others separately.

I agree. OP implies her fear of promotion, fear of relationships is just her being difficult - but to me it sounds like she has serious issues that have not been addressed. She clearly struggles with appropriate behaviour.

That’s some take 😱

I would just start a new group chat with your other friends at this point. It sounds from one of your updates that this is already happening organically. Then you can all choose which one you chat in for which topics. I think it’s fine for groups to move on and away from people who aren’t in the same place. It’s a better alternative than having one person destroy a group.

How on earth have you tolerated this with a job, family, 3 children?
I wouldn't bother getting into it.
Mute her. Archive the other group chat.
Set up another chat and be done with it.
Life is too short.
The funeral behaviour should now be your line in the sand moment, even if it didn't involve you.

I was going to say that if this woman was older, people would be arguing she had dementia.

You are of an age group where some learning differences may not have been picked up, particuarly in women.

I'm a similar age to the women mentioned in the OP, and I recently had the epiphany that an ex's slightly odd and intense (but actually very sweet) younger brother, who I would have met maybe 20 years ago, probably had some kind of learning difference that was undiagnosed due to low expectations as he was a very working class young man with some serious adverse childhood experiences, plus they grew up in a rough area and may well not have had access to the services that might have provided the diagnosis. It is possible.