Patience going with immature friend

It depends on the mental illness but yes mental illness can very much make someone act “like a jerk” and it’s disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

No, but he would me and his friends, which show him up.
My point is, doing that as an adult to waiting staff is beyond bad behaviour, it's something underlying that the person thinks is ok to do (lack of social skills).

So would your husband physically assault waiting staff by poking and prodding at them? Would you sit back and watch and say “ahh but…”
it is immature bad behaviour

Alternatively, next time she makes a stupid remark or does something, stare silently for five seconds and then say, ‘’What a stupid/shitty/strange thing to do/say, are you ok?’’ Repeat ad infinitum until she packs it in. You should be flattered she obviously thinks you have a better life than her 😃

She sounds really bloody puerile and like she’s very insecure and envious of you all. It would test a saint. That’s not a friend. I’d have to have a private chat with her about it if I were you.

I’d start by asking if she’s ok, and then asking what makes her want to be part of your friendship group as you have noticed that she doesn’t seem to have much respect for you all. No doubt this will be met with, ‘’I’m just joking!’ To which I’d say, ‘’Well could you stop, please? We don’t find them funny’’

It’s a win, win. She’ll either stop (unlikely, as people like her can’t usually help themselves) or you can say, ‘’I’ve asked you once, stop!’’ and then end the friendship if she doesn’t.

The bits that fit less are the weird practical jokes but even there that could be MH issues.

No. Just no. MH issues do not make you a jerk and attributing behaviour like this is deeply offensive to people who actually have MH issues. This sounds like someone who is used to getting her own way, has not been set limits and has resisted growing up.

I’d end the friendship. Her behaviour is irritating and ridiculous.

Op you have outgrown her obviously. I’m up for the odd joke as banter but she sounds exhausting tbh. I would just not attend anything with her and if she gets a strop just say look I have 3 teenagers at home I’m not spending my time with a grown woman with the same bloody issues call her out like that hopefully you will embarrass her. She thinks she’s funny you just tell her she’s not and it’s exhausting not being able to have an adult conversation with her.

Perhaps as your own teen DDs grow and mature it’s shining more of a light on your mate’s behaviour because you wouldn’t tolerate the nonsense from them. Could you tell your friend that you wouldn’t accept those remarks/ behaviours from your kids when she’s being silly/offensive and start to fade/not respond to her. She won’t take the hint but at least you’ve explained why

This isn't just bad behaviour though. This is immature behaviour with a side order of no social skills. This is the kind of behaviour my hubby portrays and he is ND.

"I remember a particular time when he was talking about his cousin's wedding. He'd worked out where they were staying for the first night before they went off on honeymoon, and booked there (not where they'd had the wedding breakfast), and went down for breakfast and joined them at their table in the morning.
He thought this showed how wonderfully amazing he was and he'd given his cousin and wife a real treat by gracing them with his presence."

Oh dear God @MargaretThursday ! I cringed so hard at this I turned myself inside out. Who does this?!

Sounds like she is undiagnosed. Him indoors has ADHD and is undiagnosed ASD, and he is emotionally immature. He gets jealous when others are doing better and projects it like your friend does with ridiculous statements. It's very tiring, and draining, to the point our relationship is on the rocks. I couldn't imagine having a friend like it - they would have been dropped years ago - not because of being ND, but because of the behaviour that they choose not to change.

Sounds like an annoying arsehole. How do others in the group feel? Life is too short to put up with this sort of crap!

Has anyone ever challenged her inappropriate and immature comments as they happened eg: the vagina comment?
Or has she just been allowed to go unchallenged ?

Agree. I think the behaviour very clearly points to something being out of the ordinary, whether MH issues or ND. It is a fact that many ND people struggle immensely socially and sometimes their behaviour is regarded as odd or rude by others, especially if they don’t know of the diagnosis. Things like not picking up on social cues, having “tantrums” over small issues, making inappropriate jokes, are all things that many ND people experience. For instance, my uncle who is ND cannot let others get a word in edgewise. He will talk at people, he will interrupt, he will look bored or even wander off when they are talking, he won’t ask any questions or show any interest in the other person. People have said how rude and inconsiderate he is but it’s 100% his autism.

The bits that fit less are the weird practical jokes but even there that could be MH issues. The OP seems intent on labelling this person as just rude and immature but this behaviour would be out of sorts for any adult and especially someone in their 40s. She doesn’t have to be friends with this woman and indeed something else many with autism experience is having no friends or having difficulty maintaining friendships.

I thought this was a guy from the comment about the smear test, I assume she's never had one herself. I would definitely distance myself.

One could equally express the wish that people would stop trying to label abnormal behaviour as bad. That is a matter of interpretation.

I’d say primarily this is very strange behaviour for an adult - far outside of social norms - so unusual as to be striking. This lady lives at home, can’t hold down a relationship, can hold down a job but not progress in it. It seems odd to me that in 20 years OP and her friends have not questioned this more thoroughly.

It may be that the mother of the learning disabled child was spot on in identifying the problem. There may be ASD in the mix. There may be a serious mental health condition like a personality disorder.

When a person’s challenges affect both work and intimate relationships - that’s a sign the level of dysfunction is serious.

Absolutely no obligation for OP or any of her friends to deal with someone as dysfunctional as this. But also no reason to demonise them.

I’m confused by this woman’s lifestyle, I read the post a couple of times and then your updates. Is she childless and single, and you’re all married with kids? That’s a major difference in life stages at 40 and does hamper a lot of friendships. I also think she sounds severely socially awkward and jealous of you all for having a stable functioning life hence why she’s so desperate for attention.

She sounds a lot like a girl my teenage DD befriended last year. She was from an unstable home and really clung onto DD and wouldn’t leave her alone. She also said outlandish things that made DD uncomfortable. She was just really sad and desperate for attention. Difference is they’re 14, not 40. Your friend needs professional help.

I was going to say something like this. The OP is this woman’s friend, not her parent or therapist.

Friends are people you have a nice time with and who you leave feeling better about yourself and the world. This isn’t what is happening so it isn’t working for the OP.

Whether or not you give a reason is up to you. I’d probably say (if asked) that you just didn’t think you were giving each other what you needed.

I wish people would stop trying to excuse bad behaviour with the suggestion of neurodivergence.

IF she is, it's an underlying reason perhaps but NOT an excuse. Her friends have spoken to her lots and she doesnt change, she's performing well at work, etc. Whether she is ND or LD or not is irrelevant really.

OP I'd just call it a day, explain why, and block.

This is no reason to keep her as a friend - I would only say after all these years of friendship she would appreciate being explained to what she is doing wrong. She’s unlikely to realise what a plonker she’s been - if you ghost her and she does not understand what had happened you could literally ruin her for life … can you imagine after 20 years of close friendship your friends suddenly cast you out?

I know you probably think you’re encouraging kindness towards the “friend” here. But what you’re actually advocating would be very UNkind to the OP. You’re putting the onus entirely on her to make this as painless as possible. “You could literally ruin her life” is ridiculously hyperbolic, and the OP and her friends would not be “suddenly casting her out”. OP has made it clear that this is a long-term problem, and that she and her friends have raised issues before. Maybe it’s time that a 40+ woman started taking responsibility as an adult.

The examples here, from both the OP and other posters, resonate strongly with me and how one ex “friend” used to behave.

The claims that I and others were buying into some kind of “system” and the “myth” of corporate success. She started sharing articles from people saying they had “turned their back on the notion of a career” and claiming this was exactly what she was doing; finally there were people who understood! (What she’d actually done was gone on long term sick leave, then refused to go back to work because she found it too much, before rejecting anything she thought was below her lofty standards when she finally got skint).

The obsession with bringing up the past and turning it into a present day drama. I was moving cities a few years ago and she’d messaged saying “Bumped into Robert. I suggested a reconciliation before you left. He didn’t seem keen, ha ha!!” I honestly couldn’t remember who he was at first (former FWB I always called Rob).

The apologies that actually made it my fault. On the last of these (many) occasions, she’d apologised for something that had been festering - but by the next time I saw her, it was my fault for even bringing it up, “especially when I’d just had an operation!” (She’d had a routine biopsy.)

I honestly felt so free when she was gone. People ask, as they have with the OP, why I put it with it for so long, but it becomes a toxic cycle, where the supposed friendship lasts longer precisely because of how long it’s lasted. I’m seeing this happening here too, with the added complication of this woman being part of a long-term wider friendship group.

The “Is she or isn’t she ND?” debate is a red herring really. The fact is that this so-called friend isn’t prepared to accept anything is wrong, and just wants to blame OP and her friends. Unless that changes - and there are no signs it will - the friendship is dead in the water.

Just reading what she does is giving me a headache, there's nothing positive she brings to your life, if block with no hesitation

Yes!!

Don't you get sick of people trotting out the have they got autism? Sometimes people are just immature arseholes.
Same as old people who are being a dick dementia is always mentioned.
I would have let her drop after the college incident.