My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

Could you marry a man who forced his ex to remain in a country she didn’t want to be in and was miserable there? I get the sense on Mumsnet that it’s all about the performance rather than what’s best for the kids. “Couldn’t be with a man who didn’t fight for 50/50
for his kids” (alongside loads of threads about how 50/50 isn’t good for kids). “Couldn’t be with a man who let his ex take their child to her home country” (alongside threads about how an OP living abroad needs to get the kids to the UK urgently and settle there, without fathers consent).

He sounds fairly selfish OP

Is he selfish in other ways?

So he should just blindly follow the mother around even if he has no job, home etc? How silly.

This is such dangerous nonsense that it beggers belief.

I think you’re being unfair. You can’t judge a situation using hindsight. Of course you now know so many more details and that it ended up so tragically but at the time he did what he thought was for the best.

I think it’s 50/50. He told OP his first wife had died. OP didn’t enquire further and it’s never come up in conversation because she felt it wasn’t her place to ask the details. And yet on the one occasion she did ask, it all came tumbling out. Not sure what that says about either of them to be honest, but I’d be interested to know how long ago his DD told him the truth of the extent of her mothers’ problems. His guilt clearly comes from the fact that he now knows he didn’t have all the facts at the time, and that if he had, he maybe would have acted differently. I think this suggests that his DD’s revelations were fairly recent.

I would feel very uncomfortable with this too and would see him differently. He left it to a child to decide where to live despite knowing that she was living with an alcoholic. It’s irrelevant whether he knew the extent of the alcoholism. That is not what a good, responsible father does.

I’d also be very concerned that he has only just told you all this. How long ago was his conversation with his daughter? How long has he been hiding this information? My DH and I talk about everything. Even things we are not proud of. Because how else can you really know one another? That’s how I’d feel, like I don’t really know him.

I couldn't marry any man who willingly lived in another country to his young child.

I don't dispute what you say.

I'm disputing @Whyherewego stating what she is assuming the dd felt/ feels with such absolute certainty.

We know the young woman has a close relationship with her father. We know what OP says she told her father retrospectively. But that doesn't give any of us the right to say , as Whyherewego said, that she has accepted her father's behaviour or has forgiven it. It is very likely she saw absolutely nothing wrong with his behaviour or feels there is anything to forgive. We don't know and shouldn't speak for her.

This is such a weird take.

I’d be very concerned if my dp of 4 years had never spoken about what happened to his dead ex wife and mother of his child!

It isn’t “lovely” of him at all to have eventually told her - this should’ve been discussed a long time ago.

If I had a friend in a 4 year relationship who had no idea what had happened to her partners ex who’d died I’d be more than a little worried for her.

Really shocked at some of these responses!

I think unless you have been in his shoes you really shouldn't judge.

Realistically, his daughter wanted to stay with her mum, which is why she downplayed everything, she didn't WANT to leave her and chances are if he had forcibly removed her, she would end up hating and resenting him, especially if the mother had committed suicide at that point (earlier than she actually did). As he would then be blamed for her death.. their future could be very different to what it is now.

He couldn't change his ex wife and he couldn't make his daughter leave without potential repercussions, so I'm not sure why you are so down on him tbh, he was in a very tough position, as was his daughter, he made it clear that she was welcome to come to him at any time, no questions asked.

The fact that he was and still is a very involved dad to his daughter even though they were in a different country, and they have a great relationship now, tells you everything you need to know about the sort of person he is IMO.

Be careful how you approach this, hindsight is wonderful, but unless you've lived it, you really are in no position to judge anyone.

I think the fact that he feels guilty about it shows a lot about his character. This isn’t a relationship ender for me personally but then I’ve had some exceptionally bad partners and also been guilty of sticking my head in the sand about something I should how actioned sooner. Could you delay the wedding for 12 months? I think the guilt he feels may actually become a problem as well. Very difficult one OP.

I wouldn't see any of this as something I had a right to know anyway. Lovely that he's told you (I'm sure he's regretting it now) but not a 'lie by omission' not to have done. It's his personal, private life. He's entitled to that.

So what did you expect him to do? Ban his ex wife from raising his daughter in her former family home? Drop everything and move countries? Get social services involved in their country? It’s fucking tragic but I I’m not sure why you think less of your partner.

he travelled monthly, saw her all holidays, offered her an out.

Interesting take.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, he feels guilty because he knows that he got it wrong, but sometimes it is not obvious at the time. If his DD seemed happy and didn’t want to leave her mum I can understand his reluctance at forcing her to move home with him. I also understand why you feel the way you do about this revelation and if you can’t get past it you shouldn’t marry him, however, he doesn’t sound like a terrible human being. Its a very sad situation all round.

As someone who has experienced a suicide of a member of family, and another relative who died from alcoholism,I'd say this is such a tough situation and never black and white.

In your situation, I'd really talk through why he chose to leave his daughter with her Mum. Could he possibly have been worried that leaving the Mum alone would exacerbate the situation? In that she drinks more or threatens suicide.

I don't think this is enough to doubt your relationship personally.

If you read OP’s posts it’s clear that he maintained contact once they moved to the mothers’ home country, and didn’t try to remove DD against her will. DD wanted to live with her mother and covered up the effects of her alcoholism, so she clearly knew that if anyone found out the truth, she would be at risk of being removed. Her father never knew until years later when she finally told him.

They’ve clearly both navigated the situation as best they could and maintained their relationship intact. I doubt this would have been the case if her father had known the truth and taken action to obtain custody. DD acted according to what she wanted at the time so why would she have any reason to blame her father for her own decisions ?

This is exactly the sort of thing that could've happened. Perhaps things might have played out much better....but they also could have gone worse. And the OP's partner had no way of knowing what was best at the time. It could've played out in many different ways.

Perhaps the mother wasn't able to support herself in Spain, or convinced her ex that her mental health would improve at home in France.

Considering how often women who have children in a foreign country are advised on mumsnet to bring their children back to the UK, away from the father to a place they're familiar with and feel supported, it seems a little wrong to then blame this man for allowing his ex-wife to return to her home country nearby. Especially if he did visit on a monthly basis.

You’re coming at it from the point of view as someone well versed in the field, having spent years working with troubled kids. He, at the time, had no such experience and will undoubtedly have struggled with deciding what to do in his daughter’s best interests.

If his daughter can forgive him, I think you should consider it, too.

What he 'should have done' is broken the silence and stigma and tried a whole lot harder to get his daughter some help.

But that isn't the biggest red flag for OP. The big red flag is that he should have found out about how to manage being relatives of alcoholics, and the challenges they have, and processed the trauma himself, helped his daughter to do so - AND THEN integrated it such that he could develop healthy and open ways of coping with life going forward.

I am sympathetic to all those saying they':e had trauma and don't want to disclose the details, but he's different, it's not like having to give a detailed account of abuse. He has been simply never mentioning the existence of trauma IN his most intimate relationship of the past, and TO his most intimate relationship partner now.

This lucky chap has managed to find someone- OP - who has for some reason an equal lack of skill in talking about difficult things, so he has been off the hook for painful and challenging growth and learning! And so has OP. What kind of person doesn't ask anything about the death of a previous spouse???!!! Not a wholly emotionally healthy person that's for sure.

They have found each other - they must have been sending each other those subtle signals that some emotional space is off limits. If OP just keeps quiet, he can carry on living his unskilled and limited emotional life - and so can she.

But hopefully this is so big it will help them both do some learning and growth to a better relationship. If they both want to.

You have unreasonable expectations of him. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place when he let his wife and daughter move back to France. He was then at a distance where knowing would have been tricky. It sounds like his teenager daughter made an active choice of what was beast for her in difficult circumstances. Intervention might well have made it worse. As it worked out, she had the stability of the family home and if her friendship group and school, while also having regular contact and financial support from her Dad. Yes, she had to grow up too soon, but there was no perfect outcome here. She has now grown up into a functioning adult with a good relationship with her father, which is the outcome you ultimately want if you do intervene.

If he had a good job in Spain what would have been the chances of having a good job in France?

It sounds like he has done I ally supported his daughter, seen her at every opportunity when possible and even sorted out his ex wife’s affairs to help the daughter after the woman killed herself.

When people split up it’s often very difficult for a man to see his child but it seems like he’s done everything that he could.

Sounds like you’re not sure about your relationship with him and are looking for something to find a way out.

He can't undo it so if it's causing you doubt there's only one thing you can do.

It sounds like he did the best he could and has been caring and helpful to the extent possible. Count yourself lucky if you don't know what impossible choices serious mental health / addiction issues can leave family members with. Nothing in your post suggests he did anything wrong. In some tough situations, there are no model actions that will lead to perfect outcomes. He did his best and was honest about it and managed to still have a good relationship with his daughter.