My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

OP says she did not want to pry into the previous life of partner as it was not really her business. Now unsure about prospective husband as he failed to pry into his now deceased wife's life in another country? He may not have handled the situation as she claims would be acceptable to her viewpoint yet he has a good relationship with his daughter still so he cannot have handled it too badly from her point of view. IMHO OP is possibly seeking an off-ramp yet is guilty of not picking at the relationship scabs timeously and now blames him. Get out before marrying by all means OP, but be aware you have not exactly covered yourself on glory in this situation. I speak from the point of the child, as I lived in another country with my father and step mother then returned to UK to prepare for boarding school, losing my father after he shot and killed his step wife and then himself, leaving her 3 children by two former marriages to be repatriated to their grandmother in yet another country within 6 months of my leaving. Life can be complicated and people change. The person you are in a relationship with, and his daughter, are not the same people they were while this chaotic situation played itself out so tragically years ago. A little humility would not be a bad thing.

OP doesn’t say how long ago DD divulged the truth about her mothers’ addiction though. I think his guilt stems from the fact that he knows he may have acted differently had he had all the relevant information at the time. It sounds like a recent revelation so may have stirred up guilt where there was none before, because he had made peace with the situation and thought his DD had done the same.

OP says he told her his first wife had died but she didn’t enquire further, so l think the fact that it was never discussed further is on OP too - it seems very telling that the first time she does ask to talk about it, the whole lot comes tumbling out.

The daughter is on good terms with her father. There is no reason to overrule the daughter and dump the man for what he allegedly did to her when she is fine with him. If this was the reason for their estrangement, then you would have a point. As it stands, you just seem judgemental and controlling as well as highly intrusive.

Go back to your initial reaction and determine what it was that upset you the most - is it lack of care, lack of communication, lack of responsibility? Perhaps that he wasn't curious? Then you can see how that might play out in your future (why I mentioned ill health) as you don't want to marry someone who actively runs at the first sign he needs to be responsible.

It does sound as if he opted out because it was easier for him. He has left it late to tell you as he is clearly aware it doesn't show his best side, which is actually no mean feat; most men go their whole lives not reflecting and seeing their own behaviour in situations because they like to think they always make the best choices. So, in all, while I understand it has shown his worst traits, this is a really positive sign over all that he can and will reflect with guidance, you know all of his worst so he clearly trusts you implicitly because he has been honest and therefore I actually think you should see this as a green flag. It sounds counterintuitive but I think he has been quite brave for a man.

I think going forward you could talk to him about what happens if the going gets tough with you two, but the issues you face will be very different, as you said with no kids/future kids dependant on you. I'd discuss ill health though and what happens if one of you needs the other to care for them, perhaps.

I would say this. Whether people think he's right or wrong in everything that has happened, that's largely irrelevant.

YOUR first reaction, as the person closest to him in the world who has to share literal life with him, your kneejerk reaction was that you're unhappy and not agreeing with how he dealt with things.

Please don't ignore that. It's your morals, your base level of truth and integrity.

Going into a marriage with an emotional splinter lodged under the skin of your whole outlook on him now, it has the potential to fester and infect everything.

And I daresay he knows that, on some level, hence why he's told you.

Once you suddenly see that yours and his morals don't line up as you assumed, once you realise that you don't share the same modes of action over fundamental things, it does real damage. Smoothing the icing back down on the cake is easy, but eating it for the rest of your life can become sickening.

The past cannot be rewritten, he essentially neglected his own child's wellbeing. You can write your future though. However that looks. Pausing marriage and investing in therapy for them both? Or cutting your losses, maybe. But always, always acknowledge your responses and feelings and act accordingly.

You are still missing the point. He may have done what was best for the child - we don’t know if it was best for the child - only the dd could answer that.

That still doesn’t mean the OP should ignore the reservations she’s now having about what happened and the fact he’s only just brought this up after 4 years together.

I agree with this. I think he made what he thought was the best decision for his DD at the time. He could have stepped in and removed his DD from her mother and she may never have forgiven him.

It doesn't make him a bad person. We all make mistakes and hindsight is a great thing.

He made bad decisions in life and he should feel guilty and work through why he acted that way. My exh left two children, and explained that away to me (in hindsight I was stupid to believe him) the difference there is that exh didnt ever take any responsibility or accountability and didnt have a good relationship with his children. His decision absolutely showed his true personality and my biggest regret is that i didnt see it. Your fiance seems to be different, and it is up to you whether you chose to go ahead or wait. We can all make terrible decisions in life (I did in chosing to believe my exh, having a child with him and he is not the best co parent now. I have undergone counselling and a lot of self thought to ensure i never do this again, and to try to support my DD as best as possible having brought her into this mess!) I do agree with PPs though that you feeling you couldn't discuss this with him is far more of a worry and I would think that you may not be ready to marry now.

You dont know if it was the best for his child to take her away. Things arent as clear cut as that. Her mother might have believed she has nothing to live for and killed herself back then and then the daughter blames herself for "abandoning" her mother and her father and/or the courts for making her do it.

You do not know what was best for her so you cannot say he has done badly. All we know is that you would wade in and do what made YOU rest easy instead of what might really be best for the child. That is just selfish.

Bad men don't feel ashamed. They justify their actions, sweep them under the rug, abandon their responsibilities. Good men own up, feel remorse, make amends and continue learning

I agree with this - and I’ve said already I don’t think it makes him a bad person.
But the OP should absolutely take stock of marrying if she’s having second thoughts about him. And she isn’t “judgey” or bad to feel that way as some posters are suggesting.

What you’re saying is perfectly valid and understandable and I don’t think most posters are saying he’s a bad person.

But the OP is also totally valid to find it changes her feelings about him. Just the fact he’d never discussed this in 4 years would be enough to make me a little concerned.

Women are berated on here every day for not noticing red flags or listening to their gut. Imagine a thread where the OP is married and tied to someone and then finds out something shocking or life changing about them down the line that means she’s questioning things. And she then divulges that he waited 4 years to tell her about the situation of his dc moving abroad with her dm, him knowing of the dm’s issues with MH and alcohol and the alcoholic mother of his child then killing herself. And that she then had second thoughts about him but married him anyway. People would be falling over themselves to tell her she was silly for not trusting her gut and seeing the signs.

Stop now..this sounds more like you're looking for an excuse to not marry this man than anything else..he was honest with you before you got married..his daughter could have told you the extent of things if it was that bad but she didn't.. he went every month..christ its in the past what do you want from him now.. Actually no,leave him let him find someone else who will love him without your higher judgement

I think he was probably between a rock and a hard place.
It's drummed into us that kids are better off with the mother and, at face value, he seems to have sacrificed his own well-being and relationship with his daughter to accommodate this.
Alcoholics can be very deceptive even if you live with them; given that the mother was in a different country, she was well placed to hide the extent of her addiction.
Poor daughter, though.
I do feel we seek to blame everyone except the alcoholic, but in this instance, the buck surely stops with a mother who failed her daughter.
That your fiance has a close relationship with his daughter is a good indicator that he's a decent man.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, you are completely entitled to your feelings.

However, everyone makes mistakes and it's clear this man feels very deep remorse for his part in his daughter's sad childhood. So much so that he was reluctant to tell you about it because he felt so ashamed. He's reconciled with his daughter and made amends, and they have a fantastic relationship now - I think, in your position, I would focus on that.

Bad men don't feel ashamed. They justify their actions, sweep them under the rug, abandon their responsibilities. Good men own up, feel remorse, make amends and continue learning.

I think if this is a dealbreaker then so be it, your boundaries aren't up for debate and it's nobody's right to tell you how to feel. But I think the signs point toward this man being a good person, and if you love him maybe consider giving him some grace.

Exactly. Then your friend finds out that they her Dh and her ex had a drug problem and she died in a drug fueled binge but nobody thought to ask how she died and now your friend is dealing with a divorce from a drug addict. So many things wrong with not asking!

OP doesn’t have to be ok with this. Her feelings are valid despite what her partner or daughter feel about this. She gets to decide if she wants to be with someone who didn’t do the best he could for his child. She is contemplating marrying this man, she has feelings on this matter. That isn’t making it all about her, it’s being sensible about a decision that will impact her future.

You think that this is utter rubbish? The OP’s partner knew his ex was an alcoholic and had MH issues and didn’t stand in the way of letting his child move to another country with her dm. You can understand his reasons for doing this and don’t think it makes him a bad person - but still find it changes your feelings for someone. I don’t think it does make him a bad person but personally I can’t imagine any situation where I’d let my alcoholic, mentally unwell ex-dh take my dcs to live abroad.

The people advising the OP to ignore her feelings or telling her that she’s wrong for feeling that way are really barking up the wrong tree.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5471253-thoughts-on-these-posts

I understand the responses on here that are negative towards him. None of us like to think of a child growing up in these circumstances or the impact on the people around them and those of us who work with children and families who are affected by similar issues see quite clearly how these manifest.

But when you are on the inside, it isn't always clear what the right course of action is.

Without making it about me, I am going to share a bit of my own situation.

I'm nc with a parent. It took SS and the police getting involved to finally make me see that going nc was what I needed to do. When, in reality, I should have done it 13+ years beforehand. My children weren't harmed by continued contact with my parent but were affected. But they'd have still been affected if I'd gone nc. Just differently.

When you're in the situation, you don't see it they way it looks on the outside. The decisions you make are based upon the choices that are available to you at the time. You try to imagine what the outcomes of any decision you make will be and you try to choose the decision that have the least damaging impact/outcome. You find ways of managing. That's human nature.

Are those always the right decisions? In hindsight, often not. But they often feel like the right or the 'only' choice at the time. There's very rarely a perfect outcome/solution and most people just try to do what they believe is for the best at the time with the limited information they have available to them.

I’m a bit torn with this. My mother was an alcoholic and I don’t blame my father for not taking action or getting her help. Even as I’m typing this I’m asking myself why.

I understand that you are looking at it from you professional point of view, as an outsider looking in on situations, but sometimes when you are enmeshed in a situation, you can’t see the wood for the trees and this is probably what your partner was like. Sometimes it’s difficult to take action when it’s your norm.

Yes it is. It is absolute rubbish and harmful to the millions of people who love or have loved an addict.

Lots of people cover up suicide. Famously, Michael McIntyre never knew his father killed himself until his stepmother told him the truth before he did Who Do You Think You Are? He was 17 when he died but was led to believe he had a heart attack.

I know a woman who thought her mother died from sepsis post childbirth. She found out while pregnant that he mother killed herself while suffering with PPP a few days after her younger brother's birth as an aunt thought she should know that her mother had poor perinatal mental health both times she had a baby.

realistically what could he have done. She had custody and she chose to return home, where she presumably had friends and family.

he couldn’t compete with that but did his best to visit regularly while working and presumably providing financial support.

she probably hid the extent of her alcoholism. my mum did. if you haven’t loved an alcoholic you probably won’t appreciate what it’s like. only the daughter would know the full extent.

he needs counselling. you are judging him far too harshly. he is judging himself far too harshly. his daughter still loves him. why shouldn’t anyone else.

the past is not your business. it only came up as it was her anniversary date. just the timing is upsetting. i think youve got pre wedding jitters.

i’d still marry him if i loved him.
dont if you don’t.
just look at who he is today before you decide.

It really, really isn’t.

Im just wondering what sort of relationship you have with this man that the fact of his wife dying by suicide is brand new information to you!? I’m struggling to imagine how information like this has never been talked about when you’ve been getting to know each other. You seem deeply affected by learning this brand new information about your partners life, but it doesn’t sound like either of you have made much effort to get to know each other?