My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

Yes, I’m sure I would have said the same to my dad if he offered while I was living with a drunk abusive man who was abusing my mum, or when we were homeless and living in hostels and shelters for 2 years. But guess what, he made some half hearted effort, didn’t push it and he was off making his life with his new wife and not worrying about me. Luckily my mum got us out of it but no thanks to my dad. You can’t put that responsibility on a child, she probably thought she should stay and care for her mum. I would also be a bit disgusted by him too OP 😕

I think this is a little harsh. Say the story was that he knew wife was alcoholic, made daughter move in with him, mother was so upset she committed suicide and daughter never forgave him? There are so many issues to this situation but many men would have just slipped away but he kept contact and now they have a great relationship. If the daughter can forgive him, then take notice of that. You can always postpone the wedding but I'd think carefully about throwing away a great relationship on an issue that is really done and dusted. While perhaps he should have talked about it earlier, it was obviously very difficult for him to talk about but he has done that now. Wishing you all the best for the future.

The actual people involved (your partner and his daughter) have clearly worked this very sensitive situation out between themselves and have a good relationship. I think that’s where you need to go from.

Except the child was what 13~15~17yo then?
What they wanted would have been asked AND hugely taken into account by the judge. The dd wanted to stay with her mum. She made that clear.
Plus ofc you have the issue with living in different countries and different systems (no idea for example if in Spain, transferring custody from mum to dad is that easy. The laws won’t be the same, let alone customs).

I think you are tge one simplifying things.
’Someone’ should have noticed. For things to change that someone should have been a GP, a teacher, a friend. When people are isolated (the wife had no close family members), few friends (she had lived years in another country), who do you expect to notice? The father who lived thousands of miles away, who sees the clean presentable face both the dd and the mum wanted to present. Don’t you think it’s a bit far fetched? Well unless you expect a father to be able to read minds etc….

I think you should consider that he is sharing a very painful experience with you, and has had the honesty to share before you are married. He obviously values and trusts you enough to do this. He hasn't fundamentally changed, and his daughter is fine now. You have discovered that he is a fallible human being after all. Are you so perfect that you can't forgive him for something that was a long time ago?

Having read some more posts, I can understand why him not telling the OP is destabilising for her. She might wonder what else he isn't telling her, for instance, or prefer someone more emotionally open and expressive, instead of being reserved and private. Perhaps this has made her realise she doesn't feel that close to him in many ways.

But I can also understand why he might not have told her, especially if his 'deep chat' with his daughter only happened in the past few years.

The first time the anniversary of his ex-wife's death came around (or second, if they got together only shortly before the anniversary) he may have felt it was too soon to dump it on her, or simply not important for her to know. And why should she know? They had been divorced for seven years when his ex took her life! And his daughter is an adult living in another country, not a child needing OP's support. He might have regrets or sadness over how it affected his daughter, but what does that have to do with the OP? Or their lives together, moving forward?

And crucially, the OP never asked him to share, and perhaps he felt awkward sharing painful details about his ex-wife and parenting choices when she didn't seem interested. Because when she did ask him if he'd like to talk, he said yes, and immediately told her the entire story, seeming glad to be able to divulge it before their wedding. Perhaps because he felt strange getting married when she didn't know such a major (if now irrelevant) chain of events in his life.

So while I sympathise with OP to some extent, I feel like it's just as much her fault for not once, in four years, asking him how his ex-wife died. Frankly, it'd be the first thing I said. A sympathetic, 'Oh, how terrible for Daughter. How did it happen?' Perhaps that's prying, but I feel if you're shagging the guy, you're entitled to at least ask.

It's doubtful he could have taken his daughter back to the UK and as you said, he didn't know the extent of it. If he did, it would probably have been different. His DD is unlikely to have wanted to leave her mum in France.

If he lived in the same country he may have been able to make more of a difference.

It's tragic situation and it's clearly played on his mind a lot.

Agree with this 100%.

He was a victim in all this too and it feels to me (OP)you're victim blaming in a difficult situation. You've responded to someone here saying they're over simplifying but I think you're doing the same to assume he could have just taken his daughter away from this.

Also, it sounds like he didn't know the true extent of her alcohol issues as the daughter confided in her Dad recently about how long it went on for?

Importantly, he's showing self awareness and I think if you want to marry this guy and love him, you need to support him now. It doesn't sound as if you're sure though.

He was living in a different country and his DD didn't tell him what was going on. He knew his ex-wife drank too much, but she was an adult he couldn't do much about that. And his DD was keeping the extent of the problem quiet. I think it's most unfair to blame him for something he didn't know about. He has enough of his own guilt about it. It's easy to say in hindsight that he should have known, should have found out, should have done something about it, but she was an ex living in a different country and his DD was determined to stay with her mum and protect her.

He doesn’t owe the op
an explanation. That’s his private life and none of her business.

I don't personally think OP sounds judgy or sanctimonious - she has suddenly had a lot of sensitive information dumped on her by someone she thought she knew and was committed to spending the rest of her life with. It is not her fault he decided to do this just before the wedding and she has no time to process it all.

And if he had of stepped in the mother's descent could have been quicker and more extreme.
The daughter was a protective factor and without her daughter she couldn't cope and drunk herself to death.
This is just a totally tragic set of circumstances but one I would try and navigate kindly and lovingly for all involved.
Nothing is ever black and white and your partner has regrets. With the benefit of hindsight things could have been done differently but would the outcome have been any different or any better?

Tonight he seemed upset, I asked why and he told me it was the anniversary of his first wife’s death. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said actually he’d like to tell me about it before we marry.

This is the most significant point to me in terms of your relationship. It implies that he knew he should have a) done more at the time and b) told you about it sooner.

Edited to add: Not intended to pass judgement on the OP. I think this is a grey situation, but this detail is where I would start in terms of talking to my OH. Why did he feel the need to raise it pre-marriage and why has he not said anything sooner?

Someone will read this and recognise the people involved. Seriously, you should remove it asap.

PS. You sound sanctimonious.

Funnily enough, I was chatting today with a pupil at school (I work in a secondary school with challenging teens), whose friend is in the same position as the daughter in the OP’s post. The girl has a horrendous home life with addict mother and stepdad. Guess what? The girl’s biological father is around and has offered to help, but isn’t doing enough. It knocks me sick.

Sounds as if he did the best he could, not knowing how bad things were getting, and if he’d tried to take DD the upheaval and strife could have made DD’s life worse. She is now happy and gets on well with him. I wouldn’t write him off.

Example:
My DD was born on the day that my DM's mother died. DM's mother died very prematurely and unexpectedly in around 1965 while DM was in another country and unable to get to her. It's about 50 years later that a Granddaughter shared the date.
It doesn't have resonances for me, but it does for my DM. It is not a dark day but nor is it fully 'redeemed' for her. You can't wave a wand and fix something.

I think it is good he told you. Now he knows you are judgmental about this particular fault and don't really love him enough to overlook it. Just leave him and go go find a perfect human being in their 50s who has not fucked in a way you find unacceptable.

I don't mean this as an accusation, just a statement of fact. I don't think II personally ould hold the decisions he made in this instance against him but you obviously do and your views are what count in this situation. Maybe I would find other things unacceptable that you don't.

She's not going to be a 'mother' to the daughter - the daughter is an adult woman, and OP won't be stepping into a mothering role. I'd imagine the relationship will be more 'my father's wife' than 'my step-mother'.

And frankly if my own father's wife (married since I was in my late teens) asked me about the traumatic things that have happened in my past it would be a massive overstep, and she'd get shut down immediately. I get along well with her at holidays and family occasions, we talk easily about lighter things, and I like her, but I'm not about to delve into painful memories from my past in order to assuage her idle curiosity!

He has had x4 that in the 4 years they have been a couple.

I think the fact that he and his DD have a good relationship now speaks volumes. Perhaps during their deep and meaningfuls he acknowledged he could/should have done more. Perhaps he apologised?

It is a lot of information at a time that is stressful enough.
The fact he dumped this on you before the wedding suggests he might well be having cold feet to me too.

He could not have had any influence on the date of his first wife's passing or to what extent his emotions can now be affected by that, year on year.
Granted, he may have thought twice about the date of another wedding day, but that would probably not have been part of deliberately 'concealing' personal history.

So never mentioning that her mum committed suicide, was an alcoholic and the dad didn't even notice is the way forward is it? That is something else the OP needs to consider.

My DP grew up with an alcoholic mother. They were forcibly removed to their dads care after a small fire at home. I suspect it was long known she was an alcoholic but until something major happened there never felt a right time to remove the children. From what my DP says he would have happily stayed with his mother and as an adult still devoted his life to caring for her until she sadly passed away. So honestly I don't think there is a wrong or right in that situation. My partner still adores his mother and says she was the best mam she could have been.

Exactly. Absolute insanity. Its between the OP and her partner.