My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

I just can’t fathom a 4 year relationship where this fact would not have been mentioned or come up in conversation?

I don’t expect to know every inner thought my partner has but this is a fact and if he had lied and said she died in a car accident when in fact it was suicide then I’d think maybe there was something to worry about. But just simply… how does this not come up in conversation?

’My DDs mother died when she was 19 so I am her only parent’
’Oh ok’

How does it just get left at that?

I wondered this too, to be honest. OP has experience of working with young people, but clearly has no experience of actually living with someone who has an addiction, which are two very different things. OP’s fiancé didn’t live in the same country and even visiting monthly, wasn’t privy to what was actually happening so clearly both his wife and DD were covering it up.

There’s clearly a good relationship between father and daughter, so they’ve managed to navigate the situation without damaging their relationship. But there’s just as clearly some guilt on her fiancé’s part, but l think that’s based on the fact that he didn’t know the truth until his DD only divulged it years later as an adult. It’s traumatic for all concerned, and OP does come across as judgemental rather than understanding.

I struggle to see how you could have painted him as such a devoted father in the first place. He didn’t seem to be around much and allowed his DD to be raised in a different country to him. Was it rose tinted glasses? Devoted father was a big stretch. Decent father would have been more accurate, and perhaps you wouldn’t be so devastated now if you always looked at the situation with a little more scrutiny.

It’s up to you if this ends the relationship for you but it doesn’t seem to me like he has misrepresented himself, so much as you have looked on him favourably. He seems to have a good relationship with his DD despite his noted absence and the places he has let her down.

The amount of posters urging the OP to minimise her reservations about marrying this man bc she’s being “judgey” is also worrying.

May I ask - if the sexes were reversed how would you all feel about this?

I think its harsh to judge someone for not realising how severe a drinking problem was in an ex when they lived in different countries. Alcoholism is a terrible illness and affects everyone around the alcoholic particularly children.
Your DP later discovered the truth and the affects on his daughter and feels guilt for not intervening for his daughter,which to me shows he is a good man who made an error of judgement about his ex wifes state of health that affected his daughter. Judging with the benefit of hindsight and without knowing all factors at that historical moment in time seems very harsh.
He didnt have to tell you any of this,he chose to because he clearly trusts you.
i dont know if there are other factors as to why you don't think you should marry him and this new revelation is part of a pattern but in isolation it seems harsh.

It sounds to me like he had a series of impossible decisions to make. He had some decisions taken out of his hands. And who knows how everything would have played out if he had acted differently.

I think you are judging harshly, with the benefit of hindsight.

This too for me. This stands out as a potential reluctance to discuss tricky things.

And that OP is maybe subconsciously being made to feel that asking questions (about things that are absolutely normal and SHOULD be discussed) is “prying”.

Not a good omen.

You are really stretching now! Blaming the op for his choices and behaviour? Op has been landed with a whole new load of info about her fiance 3 weeks before her wedding and she is having feelings about it - all totally normal. He has a history she didn't know about and needs time to process it.

Another DD of an alcoholic here. I can see both sides as my DF moved to another country and left me with an addict in the UK.

People change and with age comes insight, that is all normal. But T
the red flag for me is that he left it this late to talk to you about this, and that this is the first time you have noticed any issues around the anniversary.

He may be worth sticking with, but pressing pause on the marriage for a while might not be a bad idea if this has thrown up legitimate questions for you. You need time to process this apart from anything, particularly of it clashes with your values base.

This is the part I am struggling with. How did these details not come up in conversation? You may not have been privy to all the details of their relationship or separation or the ensuing guilt your DH to be has been carrying around but how did the cause of death of your DHs exW and mother of his child not come up in conversation?

Car accident? Cancer? Natural causes? Suicide? It just seems like something you would have known…

And hindsight is 20:20. None of us were there. None of us know what conversations were had or why he felt that agreeing to the move was the right decision, perhaps thinking her mental health would be improved if she was in her home country. Pound to a penny, if she had posted here, people would have told her to just move and make him take her to court to get his daughter back.

It is rarely as simple as "all he had to do". But this is MN, it is always a man's fault, even when the mum is the alcoholic neglectful parent.

Dreamingfever@, I hope you can feel better about this soon.
this pictured (as soon as some1 @ msnet passes it 🙂) quote jumped into my mind as I was reading your op & wonder if it could help your DP.

Yep - they are about to share their lives permanently and become financially inter-linked. Of course I would expect my DP to trust me enough to share significant past issues … which he just did, voluntarily!! Are you for real?

For me the test would be the relationship he has now with his daughter.

I think i see it more as "between a rock and a hard place".
If he had taken his DD from her mum, her mum would have in all likelihood killed herself earlier, 19 is bad enough to lose a mum but what about 16 or 13?
Accessing support for alcoholics and mental health care is difficult when you live in the same town, as is getting the alcoholic to be compliant with an support, particularly long term. He was in a different country.

It sounds like he tried to balance things, offering the DD a home and not forcing her. Beyond that, maybe with hindsight he might of handled it differently, but he also might have made it worse.

I can’t get over the fact that in all your time together you didn’t ask about how his first wife died! Of course it’s your place to ask and also your business if you were in a long term relationship with him!

What more do you think he could have done ?

Last line should read ‘for the sake of everyone involved’. Autocorrect seems to be on steroids !!

I think l agree with this, although it might seem harsh. OP wasn’t there when these events took place so really isn’t in a position to judge. I think the reality is that he did the best he could with what he had at the time, and that’s all anyone can do.

He clearly has a good relationship with his daughter, and that’s the best indicator that he did what was right for her at the time in very difficult long distance circumstances. The reluctance to discuss it likely means he has some guilt from thinking he could have done things differently but hindsight is 20/20. OP wading in with ill informed judgement at this point won’t change anything. If she feels unable to continue the relationship she should be honest and call a halt to it for the sake of e erroneous involved.

Hes choosing to tell you all this now. Why? I think he feels bad about his role and wants to get it off his chest. Dumping it all on you, to do what with? 🙄

Imo he should have been a much better father.

I'm not sure whether the daughter would have wanted to leave her Mum to her alcoholic death wish. But regardless of this, he should have done more

I wouldn’t marry a man like this.

You have worked with young people, but have you worked with or lived with an alcoholic? (Or indeed any kind of addict) They can be incredibly adept and cunning at hiding their drinking for years, sometimes holding down highly responsible jobs, with nobody suspecting. If HE never witnessed her incapable or passed out, just a bit tiddly at times, he probably had no idea what his poor daughter went through. He stepped up and sorted out his wife's estate for his daughter, which is no small job. I think you need to talk about this more and tell him how you feel, rather than let it bubble away inside you. I hope you work it out between you.

My mother was an abusive druggie alcoholic and my father left and did nothing to help me or my sister. I begged him to let us live with him but he refused. He's a selfish asshole and I blame him for my terrible childhood. However if he had done what your partner did and offered to let me live with him then I wouldn't blame him at all. Your partner sounds like a decent guy and I don't think you should hold this against him

I think when people are judgmental it’s usually because they don’t understand the complexity of situations and see things as very black and white. Removing the daughter would not have been sunshine and rainbows. It would have been different trauma. There was no trauma free solution to this situation.

It does sound as though both dad and daughter have navigated their way to a supportive adult relationship - which is something to be appreciated.

Because maybe the OP is sanctimonious and judging and it would have been difficult for him to confide in her and be able to rely on her support and understanding. Maybe the OP has form for this?

Op and her partner have been together four years and there will have been an anniversary of the ex wife's death once a year. So why this year and not one of the previous three? Three weeks before the wedding is poor timing however you look at it. His ex wife committed suicide and he only decides to tell his fiancée now just before the wedding. Something is off. That is non disclosure of highly relevant information in my view.