My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

Because not everyone will pry into the precise cause of death of their partners family. He said she was dead and doesn’t want to talk about it. Insisting on knowing the details might be fine to some people but I wouldn’t push it.

A lot of people forbid talk of exes and previous relationships.

Agree with this. There doesn’t seem to be any understanding, just judgement.

Every divorced parent has some past (baggage) to tell by the time they get to 50.

You are sort of judging him for not having been enquiring enough about his DD’s home situation when in fact, it seems you haven’t been enquiring enough about the past of the man you are about to marry. ‘It wasn’t my business to pry’ hasn’t really worked for you.

i would take into consideration what you otherwise know about him and the way he treats you.
I would also take into consideration, that he is now close to his DD, close enough for her to open up and tell him the detail of her neglect. I’d say the healing for them both starts now, maybe with professional help.
Are you able to be in a marriage alongside that?
It’s certainly not perfect but not totally devastating either, I’d have thought.

Good luck with your decision OP. It’s a lot to suddenly take in and adjust to.

I don't think pp are asking her to minimise her reservations about her intended H.

I think quite a few, including myself, don't understand why her reaction to what he has confided in her is one of judgement.
And some, including myself, are of the opinion that if she feels as she does, she shouldn't marry him for his and his dd's sake.

This. 100%. He clearly has a good relationship with his daughter so they’ve managed to navigate the situation. I think his feelings of guilt and the need to talk to OP about it stem from his DD telling him as an adult what really happened.

Hindsight is 20/20 and I can understand how he may feel that had he had that information at the time, he would have handled it very differently. Clearly OP is finding it difficult to understand and is leaning towards judgement, which is the real problem here. She appears to be holding him to an impossible ideal, not the reality.

That is all she can do, though. She cant force the child home and going through courts isnt always in the best interests of all children.

You're being unbelievably unfair to a man who seems to have done what he could, and has a positive relationship with the daughter you fear he might have damaged. It wouldn't have been easy for him get custody anyway, let alone in a different country. (I speak from experience, though I did get it).
Seems you're looking for an excuse not to get married, so probably best not to..

It is only illegal if you formally oppose it. Some people would opt not to rather than drag a child through courts and potentially have to move back from wherever they have been taken.

If the situations were reversed and a mother knew the child was living with a father who had mental health issues and issues with alcohol would you think that she had done all she could if she'd just told the child 'you can come to live with me?'

Given the OPs judgement, I would expect she would be happy to do whatever it takes to support his DD going forwards.

If you marry, use this information and experience to maintain a healthy vigilance about his DD's coping strategies.

Be prepared to swap where you live to support your children in times of hardship - like when they have small children or are going through illness, loneliness, job loss or other times of high stress.

His daughter might not have a kit of skills to draw from.

Exactly the same. OP is way out of order here.

I can see why this would be unsettling for you. I think you need some honest communication with him. Not judgemental communication but that way in couples therapy where you use "I "statements. "I'm glad you told me about your ex wife. That must have been difficult for you but I feel unsettled by it, because..."

I think he is carrying a ton of guilt. Suicide is a horrendous thing to deal with and he will have been judging himself as you are judging him now.

I think he was passive and took an easy option because it probably suited him. To have stepped in and made that decision for his daughter was a harder option. I'm sure he must feel terrible about it in retrospect.

We all have flaws. Maybe he was selfish or weak. Maybe he's grown up since then. Only you know if this is a deal breaker for you but I would identify what is bothering you the most about it (the fact he didn't tell you ? You feel he isn't the person you thought he was? ) and talk about it with him.

If you can't talk about it, then don't get married.

You are being ridiculous! She (she not him) moved to a different country where be couldnt be. I suggest you take a look at your neighbours recycling bins to see how many closet alcoholics live in your neighbourhood. Dont you think his wife would have concealed her alcoholism for a couple of days when he visited?

I agree with this, and it sounds like he has a good relationship with his daughter now.
i have some sympathy for the OPs partner, he was in a very difficult position and no one knows what would have happened if he’d acted otherwise.

Is this based on Spanish law? Because in the UK, it’s a criminal offence to take a child out of the UK without consent of all with parental responsibility. So he would have needed to consent and it would have been abduction if not. But had she asked the court she’d have got permission and most would say it’s nasty and controlling to stop your ex living her life by preventing her from moving.

Agree 100% - very strange.

So you dumped a man based on his actions as a teenager ? No appreciation that people can change ?

I can't see any reason two people in their 50s with seperate and no shared children would choose to marry anyway. Surely that just complicates assets/inheritance etc. Wouldn't be for me in a million years.

If in doubt definitely pause.

Yes it is a very strange phenomenon on this thread. Anyway, surely it is advisable to employ judgement when deciding whether to tie oneself to someone legally, financially and emotionally. What is the harm in taking time to think? Even when you are buying an insurance product there is a cooling off period where you are given further time to make sure that you want to proceed. When someone is rushing me to do something I always step back first.

She chose to live in a different country. Most people in this country can’t just up sticks and move to France. Not being able to speak French is the first obvious hurdle to being able to work and make a life there. People on Mumsnet have this ridiculous notion that dads should basically move to wherever the mother of their kids goes and move in down the road which in most cases is unrealistic. The mum chose and caused this by moving abroad.

I wouldn’t think less of him. What could he realistically have done? Also she would still have been a suicidal alcoholic if he lived nearby and the DD wanted to live with her mum.

This has a familiar ring. Does his daughter have an aunt or similar, who visited regularly but never noticed the state her mother was in because the daughter covered it? Somebody - the 'aunt' - posted here a few months ago. The young woman's now suffering the effects of her childhood and is unhappy with the adults who were in a position to help her.

Back to your OP: I do understand your disquiet. This is a lot to take in! It doesn't sound to me as though he was very responsible; he failed to be decisive when someone needed him to be. How old was DD when he gave her the option to live with him? Did he consider that she felt a duty to her mother, which a child shouldn't have to bear?

I dumped a man who was really nice but, it turned out, had a son in his late teens whom he'd never seen since he was a baby! He did make contact and met up with him after I'd - erm, discussed this with him. The young man felt it was too little, too late. So did I.

I’m sorry but this is absolutely false; his ex absolutely could have taken his daughter to France without his permission as long as she got a court order first thereby making The Hague Convention irrelevant. His DD was 12 / 13 years old at the time and at that age, the courts would have been heavily influenced by what she wanted i.e. going with her mother (you’re assuming her mother wouldn’t have gone without her and stayed in Spain and therefore there’d be no separation).

France and Spain share a border, we don’t know the distances involved but the courts may well have viewed it as only moving a few hours away and therefore non detrimental to her relationship with her father, couple this with his DD’s desire to go and it’s very possible his ex would have been granted an order to move her.

There are several different ways this situation could have played out and who’s to say whether he made the wrong decision or not. Sometimes there’s no “right” answer and it’s a lose / lose situation.

The only person who’s opinion matters here is his DD’s.

Oooh lets think why might he tell her now..... Maybe because he's just about to get married for the second time and this is all reminding him of the first time he married including it's tragic outcome? And not wanting to ever lose someone like that again - not saying OP even drinks but when you have been divorced there is always fear when remarrying.

Also sometimes to we bury the more shameful things in our past, I can't imagine ever discussing some of the things I went through in an abusive relationship with anyone, not even my with boyfriend who is one of the most caring and loving people ever.