My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

Your poor Fiancé!

I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother. Unless you had been in that situation yourself you wouldn’t understand the pressure to cover it up. I raised my brothers from the age of 6. I would cook their meals, wash and iron their uniforms. As Mum’s alcoholism got worse, within a couple of years I was doing everything. By 8 I was buying their uniforms and Christmas presents, putting plasters on their knees when they hurt themselves, doing all the housework and giving my mum her medication.

NOBODY KNEW for seven years, until I had a breakdown at the age of 12. We even had a social worker who we saw regularly and still managed to keep it hidden. Eventually we were taken into care.

Nobody told us to hide it. We just knew that if we didn’t, we’d be taken away. The prospect of being taken away from your mother as a small child feels life-ending. It was an instinctive reaction to cover it up. We were extra careful to hide it from our Dad, because we knew he’d get us removed.

Please do not blame your fiancé. I’m sure he beats himself up enough, but there’s no way he could have known or done anything to change what happened. I think you’re being very harsh.

I have been married to a widower for 22 years. I met him when he was 39. His wife had died of cancer. I knew he was a widower from his dating details. He was totally open from the first date about what had happened. If he had said ' I cant/ don't want to talk about it' repeatedly I would have walked away.

I feel the same.

It's a very sad situation. If my DH told me this I'd feel more inclined to tell him he had to forgive himself and that he did what he thought was best at the time. Also it's in the past and he should just focus on showing up now as much as he can for his family.

It's unfortunate that the wedding is so close because you don't have enough time to process your shock and disappointment.

But you're not asking him to help raise your child and you don't need to have the same parenting standards. If he has been a good partner to you that's what I would focus on.

I agree with you. But the OP seems to be making it about his actions many years ago rather than the fact that he is only revealing a pertinent detail of his life now (or the fact that she hasn’t asked before?)

And this is a red flag in itself.

How is he responsible exactly ? He didn’t know the true circumstances until his DD divulged them years later as an adult. What was he supposed to do if his DD wanted to stay with her mother ?

I hear you.

I feel like I’ve got a perfectly healthy relationship with my DH so it feels completely strange that the simple question ‘so how did DDs mother die?’ hasn’t been asked before.

Maybe my Dh and I are the weirdos here. Each to their own I guess.

I agree with @VoltaireMittyDream and others, that the red flag is how he has not spoken about this until now and why.

This is a huge part of his life to keep secret, and means that you have been in a relationship that has been nowhere near as intimate as you believed it to be.

Dating, and then being in a relationship, is a process of discovering who the other person is, and by the time you marry, it would be expected that you have a good idea of this person and who they are. But he's waited until 3 weeks before to tell you about something that must have been a defining event in his life. that under normal circumstances would have come to light much earlier on in your relationship, had he not been actively hiding it.

This is what people are meaning when they talk about a lie by omission. This wouldn't be the case at e.g. 3 months into the relationship, because OP's position in his 'circle of trust' would be very peripheral. But being in a serious relationship, and getting engaged, puts each of you in the position of being one of eachother's most trusted people. A person who knows the best and worst of you, and certainly the biggest and most affecting life events.

This hasn't happened with you, OP. It's like you've been living with him in a pristine house for 3 years and he's suddenly shown you a room you didn't know existed. Of course you will wonder why he's hidden this room for so long. and you might want to see the front of the painting that is facing the wall in it....

So if this was a someone posting about their wife-to-be allowing their (male) ex whom they knew was an alcoholic with MH issues to take their dc back to his home country and said:

but when his own parents passed he struggled with his mental health, when they split he asked to take his daughter to his parents home he’d recently inherited and raise her there. She admitted she had been hesitant about his abilities to raise their daughter but she worked long hours (so I guess it benefitted her)

and:
She then told me that over the years she knew her ex was unwell, an alcoholic she claimed was what she knew..

You’d be saying “well she couldn’t have known, we all make mistakes” and “you’re being horrible and judgey”?

Sorry, don’t buy it - the OP would be getting very different reactions if they were posting about a mother doing this. Men are just held to different standards.

fair enough but many people do understand why some people keep some information private and don’t want to talk about the details with others. I know some people feel differently and I’m always aghast on dating shows when people on the first few dates interrogate their partners on why their previous relationships broke down and minute details about their lives with their exes, including sex life. I’d hate that but maybe that’s just me.

But where has OP said she wasn’t allowed to talk about it ? He told her his first wife had died. She didn’t want to pry so didn’t ask. Who’s to say that if she had, he wouldn’t have opened up sooner ?

This. Particularly if he had gone through any courts to get the child removed from her mother/ prevented the child from leaving the country in the first place and then her mother had committed suicide. He wouldn't have the close relationship with his daughter that he has now.

How on earth is he not responsible for this tragedy. Very sad for his DD. Addiction and mental illness has a stigma, it is very secretive, you should know that.

In reality there is an absolutely no way legally that your DP could have had his DD live with him without years of legal battles. Even at 12, 13, 14. I live in France and spent 6 years in court before my kids Dad lost parental responsibility. This is a vanishingly rare thing to happen here.

Alcoholism doesn’t mean she was an awful parent all of the time. Or probably even most of the time.

Take time to adjust how you feel. Don’t simplify something so complex and don’t take or assume your DSDs feelings. Talk to her. Discuss your feelings preferably with her. I’m sure your DH is already riddled with guilt.

But in reality he could have potentially made things so much worse by trying to remove his daughter from his ex-wife’s care. You are blinded by your experience and are ignoring the incredible complexity of this IMO.

It may just be me then but I’m not sure I’d be happy in a relationship where this was a closed topic. I’m not sure I’d be comfortable getting married to someone for whom the cause of death of their ex spouse (years after their divorce) wasn’t allowed to be spoken about. I’d have too many questions to be comfortable.

How is he caught up on his ex ? The issue is his relationship with his daughter.

This is difficult, OP, but I do feel that you are being quite harsh in your judgement of him.

What would he have done in an ideal world? Taken full custody of his daughter in Spain, with the mother visiting some weekends and holidays? That may or may not have been better for the daughter and may or may not have been better for her mother. It is terribly sad for his daughter going through her teen years as the only child of an alcoholic parent and having to become her own and her mother's carer and living with such uncertainty. But she was a teen and not a toddler. He couldn't have "saved" the mother either from her alcoholism or her suicide. They were her choices and you should not be playing any blame on him for them. He probably does feel a lot of guilt around this already.

His daughter seems to have forgiven him for not doing more in the situation. If she has done this, then consider why you are unable to. It's a sad situation but there were no guaranteed happy alternative endings.

But that doesn't seem to be what’s happened here. He told OP his first wife had died. OP didn’t want to pry so didn’t ask. There’s nothing to indicate that he wouldn’t have opened up if she had.

For some people, you wouldnt marry someone who seemed caught up on theo
Ir ex.

If he was hard working and therefore he’d not be able to be there for his child, the call for help could have caused her to go into foster care if that’s what they do in that area. He didn’t want to rock the boat.

Yes I agree with others.
It’s not your place to judge.
You won’t be having anymore children so he will be in an entirely different situation with you.
Good luck.

OP are you the same person who posted about your DP having a terminal illness and your concern that he didn’t want to tell his daughter who lives in an overseas country? The details all sounds the same and this adds a lot of context.

it potentially also explains why a wedding might be happening quite quickly which would have prompted this conversation.

if so, knowing now what his daughter went through with her mother surely changes things in terms of a duty to cause least harm / trauma to the daughter at this stage?

Hi OP

in regards to your feelings towards it, in my opinion your reaction will change, and it can be many contradictions at the same time. You can feel love and empathy for your partner, and you can also judge him and feel disappointment in the same moment. As you well know!

But I think there is a lot to be said for the fact he has told you, and rather than justified or spun it, he showed you his guilt and not hidden his mistake. He has declared it. This is definitely one that some people might choose to put a ‘perspective’ on and justify their ignorance. I think he has made mistakes like all of can and do, he is flawed, he has his regrets, but he is being honest.

I don’t think this is a calculated move telling you three weeks beforehand so as to remove your options. It was in reality most likely incredibly difficult for him to bring it up, but he knew he had to.

it must be hard to live with this level of guilt.

hia relationship with his daughter sounds good. Also, it takes serious commitment to visit once a month, from another country (I have been in that exact situation and the father chose to be absent).

wishing you well. Don’t be too harsh on him…

On face value I don’t think any of this immediately points to him not being a good father. Alcoholism is complex and a disease of denial and secrecy. Families are locked into the denial a lot of the time, not for the same reasons but it’s possible any intervention he tried would have caused equal or even more pain and ultimately not improved things.

I do think it’s strange that this has come up so late into the relationship. It’s obviously significant for him and, if his relationship with his daughter is now good, possibly something they’ve spent time discussing and working through. I voted YANBU because I don’t think your feelings are unreasonable - you feel how you feel. Whether you should marry him is up to you, but I’d suggest it would be better to feel comfortable before doing so otherwise it taints what’ should be a celebration. So maybe postponing will give you the time you need to talk more with him and feel comfortable. I guess I’d also ask what the benefit of marrying at all when you don’t have children together nor will you.

That’s enough reason to not get married then.

OP I wonder if your questioning of his character over this is more a symptom of pre-wedding nerves or temporary cold feet than anything else?

What is it about your future that it affects? There are no minor children to worry about. Are you concerned he won't be a solid partner if you face illness yourself? That he will pretend its not happening / not help out?

Because I really don't understand otherwise why you might be getting so hung up on the past, and past errors of judgment that he may have made?