Ok this is going to be a weird one.
With dh for 21 years and a sahm for 18 years by mutual agreement. When we met he was working in his dad’s business, owned his (mortgaged) house. I had a small amount of savings, earned slightly more than him. I lost my job a couple of months before we married, when my skills became obsolete and I started retraining. Then got pregnant and recession hit, and no one was hiring in my new field. I didn’t intend to become a sahm, but we decided to have a second dc while the job market was depressed rather than spreading our family out as we’d initially planned. Dc2 turned out to be dc2 and dc3. Then dc1 was diagnosed with autism and I’ve been as sahm ever since.
Since then, fil retired and dh bought the company off him, paying him in instalments over 15 years. We’ve had some lean years when the company struggled. I would have liked to get back to work but we’d have been worse off financially and had a lower standard of living too. But I’ve always felt that my contribution was equal to dh’s, just different and he has said similar.
However, things are about to change. Dh has negotiated the sale of the company at a very good price, with plans to retire in 5 years time (18 months to complete the sale, with a 3 and a half year earn out). Eventually (hopefully not for a long time though) we anticipate a significant inheritance from his dps who are elderly and in declining health. They have significant investments, and even if they need expensive healthcare couldn’t spend it all. On the other hand I don’t expect to inherit anything from mine as I have a sibling with extra needs who will have to be provided for, and may even need some help from usgoing forward. I’m feeling deeply uncomfortable about it all.
Up to now, if we had broken up, I’d have had no hesitation about dividing the assets down the middle. Despite not contributing financially, I’ve pulled my weight and supported dh’s career at every turn, and done the lions share of parenting. But this money feels like his family money - a company his dad set up, inheritance from them. It feels like the balance of power has tilted. Up to now either of us could have walked away, but now I feel he will be trapped.
We could draw up an agreement that I wouldn’t get any of this money in the event of a split but it wouldn’t stand up if I changed my mind later. I know I keep talking about splitting up, and it’s not on our radar at all. We’re very happy together. But one of the strengths of modern marriage is that people can call time if needed, and walk away if they’re no longer happy.
But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me.
I’ve been lying here in bed, turning this over and over in my head since he told me this earlier today and I think the fairest solution would be for us to divorce now, draw up a fair settlement and then just continue to cohabitate. The dc would inherit everything, as is fair. They’ll all be adults by the time he retires so I wouldn’t have to be involved at all.
Knowing him, he won’t see it like this at all. But honestly I think I’m right about this. AIBU?