DH withdrawing too much cash

A nice house does not compensate for the alcoholic dad who lives in it. He will statistically end up unhealthy and die younger anyway so you need a firm plan to support the family no matter what.

Regarding leaving, we have just finished spending years renovating a lovely house in a good area right next to a great school. I couldn’t afford a place any where as nice myself.

Do NOT sacrifice your children's mental and emotional health for a fucking nice house. Children know when something is not right and they will always blame the person who should have protected them. They'll see their dad as a weak man, they'll see you with hate, anger and resentment. Is that worth a "naice" house?

Start by separating your finances. Then collect all financial statements, and get a one off appointment with a solicitor. After that you could try to save your marriage with a lying addict but they don't tend to change, they just get better at lying.

Edit - we cross posted. Good luck with the counselling, and be tough. He needs to stop drinking permanently especially since he's doing it in secret at night. That's worrying.

No!

But if he's drinking as well he might just be using enough of it to take the edge off.

Regardless of whether it's alcohol, coke, gaming, whatever it is isn't good for your DH, your marriage or your family life.

At some point it will have an impact on his health and/or work.

I don't think ignoring it is an option, OP. Can you find an afternoon when the kids are elsewhere to have a calm talk with him? There's not going to be a quick fix if an addiction is involved unfortunately but talking about it is the first step.

Usually. But it depends really how much he is drinking. Coke lets you drink more- one of the reasons it is so harmful

Would he need more and more to sustain a habit?

about 3 grams. So not a lot- but it is particularly toxic when combined with alcohol. Likely to lead to long term liver damage,

If you're staying, I'd turn the joint account you already have into a bills account and only put into it your share of the bills. Keep the rest in an account of your own. Tell him what you have done and explain that if there is insufficient money in the account at any time to pay the bills you will divorce him.

Yes, my view as well.

OP, first you need to protect your finances. I’d set up your own account, and have your money paid into that. You only pay what is needed for bills and food etc into the joint account. This is what many couples including DH & I do in any case. Tell him you’re not tolerating these withdrawals anymore. He is free to do the same, so all his private spending has to come from him.

Second, you need to know what he is doing, so do as pps have advised, or at least order the drug testing kits pp have mentioned and check for traces of drugs on what he handles regularly.

If he’s doing coke in your home he needs to go now. If he’s doing coke don’t, you need to end this, move out and force the sale. Do not expose your DC to drugs because your house is nice.

If it gets out to parents at your DCs’ school that he does coke prepare to face some problems. My DC would never have been allowed at a friend’s house if I knew the parent does drugs there. Not for one hour. I’m sure I’m not the only person with zero tolerance of coke who won’t expose their DC to it.

A safe, drug-free home is more important than a large, well furnished home.

Please don’t sacrifice your children for a nice house in a nice area. They WILL be damaged by their father’s alcohol abuse. You may think it doesn’t affect them now, but it does, and it will inevitably get worse unless he finds a way of getting sober. Which he won’t unless he really, really wants to, and few alcoholics truly want to give up.

If he's drinking there's empties...

This OP, separate some of your money. If it is coke, or similar, it's likely to escalate.

I agree with Purplethistle; take out the same amount of cash that he does. That way all your savings won't be going up his nose/in the brewery pockets. And put it somewhere safe, easy to grab in a hurry. You may need it for emergency accommodation, or a rental deposit on a flat. He won't be able to say anything, even if he does notice, without being a total hypocrite.

How much coke does £150 buy? Enough for an addict?

Genuine question.

Staying awake that late with just alcohol would suprise me...it would knock him out. I would look more towards cocaine use if I'm honest.

My DH is sober now but we had years of this. He was buying cheap cider/beer but a lot of it, always in cash because he knew I'd see it on the bank statement, and it crept slowly to around £80 a week by the end. He'd lie about needing a part for the car and use money for beer.

A drink didn't make him sleepy, instead it seemed to wake him up- he'd be up until 4am (like your DH) watching crap TV. Eventually the alcohol made him both paranoid and depressed, lie ins that initially went until 11am became 5pm and he stopped being functional. His weight ballooned (a very good indicator of alcoholism tbh) and his eyes and skin were an absolute state.

I'm sorry for how bleak this sounds, but I wish I'd confronted the problem much earlier. It crept up on us over a period of years and the addiction only grew in intensity, never going away on its own. Confronting it is a horrible process, and in the end I told him (and meant it) that I would leave unless we saw the GP and he started a program to become sober. Men are particularly difficult with this, adamant that they don't need anyone's help and that they just need to cut back, but I was very clear that we wouldn't be doing anything on our own because it just tempts you both to hide the problem further and that leads more easily to relapse.

I hope you find a way through this together (if that's what you want). I'm glad we stayed together, he's the man I love all over again, but it was a long road.

What would happen if you withdrew £150 a month?

This is joint money he is taking. I assume you have a budget and an amount of fun money you’re able to take each month, plus savings and pensions etc. So if he is taking an extra £150 then it is affecting your family. You need to have it out with him, including his late nights and refusal to do equal parenting.

I mean, it really just sounds like you need to leave him actually. Why aren’t you? Don’t say finances; anyone can manage. It’s always possible if you can be bothered to push through the difficult part at the start when everything has to separate and property sold and moving etc.

The problem by then is that you'll be left living with a sad alcoholic and kids that see more as they grow up.

and what money are you saving being with him if he's withdrawing £150 a month? You've renovated, can sell and start over. Plenty of kids are raised in smaller homes in less that naice areas and with a happy single parent.

Basically you can easily convince yourself to stay if that's what you want, but own it. Own it and decide that if you're turning a blind eye to prevent an atmosphere and argument, then just leave him to it and make the best of it.

But if you decide to challenge him you sort of need to see it through. Even if its not a plan to leave now.

That’s a lot of money. I do find that cash just disappears but if he’s working from home and you can see all his regular spending it’s hard to see where else it would be going.

Appreciate it’s not easy to just leave, but you need to ensure you’re protecting your finances as you can’t afford your current lifestyle without him or if this escalates and he’s spending hundreds a month. So any time he takes cash out, do the same and put it into your own account. Or have your salary deposited into your own account and move the money for your portion of the bills.

My partner is a functioning alcoholic and does all of the things you describe. Buys alcohol with cash and does that every day. Goes to bed very late, gets up in the afternoon. I would say that your husband probably isn't doing anything in the middle of the night other than watching telly and drinking. But the amount of his cash withdrawals aren't, to me, enough for a big drinker. He could have maxed out his cc or he could be trying to use cash as a method of controlling his drinking. But if he's a wine drinker I would expect his monthly out lay to be a lot more. So maybe it is drugs. Or maybe he's just trying to drink less, spend less and do it with real money. I think you should ask him to give a bit more detail about what he's doing and if it is booze see if he's open to some professional help before he escalates. Drugs I don't know anything about but again is he open to help. I do sympathise. I don't have children with my partner so you have that extra worry. And to be honest it's a tricky way to live when your "partner" is out of action because they are sleeping it off. Good luck.

To add, I might be willing to offer support for alcohol (if he will accept a problem and get help) provided his behavior generally wasn't affecting the children, but if I thought anyone was bringing drugs and/or drug dealers to my home with my children in that would be a hard no and relationship ending.

With my ex H it was sex workers

Can you at least protect yourself by separating your finances? Each have your own bank account and transfer money to a join account for shared bills. A specific amount that is not to be drawn out again?
If it IS drugs or alcohol this could easily escalate, him having access to all your wages as well sounds unsafe to me.

I’d set an alarm for 3am and go downstairs and see. Do you have a ring doorbell so you can see if he leaves the house? Or set up some kind of camera in the living room