DH withdrawing too much cash

@scotspancake86 it may be better to play it canny for the moment.

If you chat with him tonight, he'll likely just lie.

I'd gather more irrefutable evidence and present it, once you have clarity on how exactly you want to proceed.

Would it be of any benefit for you to open your own account, deposit your salary into that and then transfer your share of the bills (which will be obvious) into the joint account?

Seems a bit of a faff but at least your share of the finances won't be used for whatever he's lying to you about.

Good luck lovely 🌸

Fair enough. Not what I’ve been told but I suppose I could be wrong/ in an expensive area. Apologies to PP.

Is he self employed? I would worry that he will lose his job. WFH doesn’t usually mean starting at lunchtime.

She bang on for price where I live.

£30 is two portions of fish and chips. For some reason many chip shops only take cash.

OP, I think I would start on the secrecy and hiding aspect in your relationship and what that means for your marriage.

Your prices are 15 years out of date

He’s an alcoholic but he’s also a prick. The getting up at 11an thing when there’s kids around is awful (mine has done this for years) he won’t change. I would put a plan together to leave. Check out the benefits calculator and type in your details as if you were leaving and taking the kids, there might be more financial help available than you realise plus he would be liable for child maintenance (I assume you would be primary caregiver if he drinks heavily - log evidence of this as men often ask for 50:50 to avoid paying). Good luck.

To those saying Cocaine, £150 would only get about 2grams (Maybe less). Thats not a lot for a whole month so I’d be more inclined to think secret alcohol purchases, maybe some weed or ket.

And no I don’t do drugs I just speak to people who do through a charity I work for.

Set up a camera to see what he’s doing until 4am. I’d bet he’s drinking.

I do find empties, but he’s great at hiding them under recycling

I'm really sorry OP, but there are probably loads more that you'll never find.

He's an addict, cash is usually drink or drugs.

Yeah I thought this. Surely he could just buy booze with his debit card and it doesn't say what you bought. So he could just say he bought a bunch of sweets or socks or something from a supermarket?

The cash screams drug dealers. Specifically coke. As does the 4am bedtime. He could be doing both obviously. Or more than one type of drug plus drink.

A credit card or debit card statement will just show where someone has used the card, not what they've purchased. If it was alcohol, then he could still put this on a card, and the statement would say 'Tesco £90'.

The fact he's withdrawing cash suggests it could be money he's using for a drug habit, likely cocaine or he could be using the cash to buy alcohol.

If you are out to work, and he works from home, then it would be easy enough to have a dealer come to the house (although you'd hope he'd have some sense not to allow this) or for him to collect it somewhere, during the day time. He's then spending his time in front of the TV, snorting drugs up his nose, once you're in bed.

Surely if he was coming to bed, even at 4 am, you'd smell the alcohol on him, if he was drinking?! If you haven't smelt alcohol on him, then I'd say it's drugs.

Your husband is an alcoholic, who is now likely using cocaine. Drug addicts lie and so do alcoholics. They become selfish individuals, who's only concern is their next fix or drink. Your husband has disengaged from family life, and is more than happy to leave being a responsible adult to you.

There may come a point when your husband is unable to function to do his job, and is sacked. You need to start looking at leaving, because your life will continue like this, until it's hit rock bottom. Your husband is dragging you and your children down with him. You need to get yourself out of the relationship, not just for your sake but your children's too.

It's not coke if he's only taking out £30 at a time - it's more like £50 a gram. He's using the cash to buy booze without his wife immediately knowing what he's up to.

He wouldn't be buying a lot of coke for that money.

He sounds in a very bad way. Dysfunctional sleep schedule, major drinking habit, checking out of family life? Screams depression and addiction, and it sounds as though he needs some proper help and intervention.

I wrote a post recently about my partner doing the exact same. She was withdrawing cash for weed and alcohol. They try and hide it thinking that you'll not notice. It turned into a continuous circle of lies, stealing and arguing.

Quite apart from the impact on your children and you, he is taking joint money to spend on himself. At the least, take an equal amount aside and put it in a sole account in your name, as the start of
your fund for leaving, because if he doesn’t stop drinking and lying then you WILL have to leave.

The kids absolutely know something isn’t right. It’s not normal to never see your father before noon on the weekends or to have him be grumpy nonstop. My husband’s parents are alcoholics and it absolutely affected him and his sister even though they were a functioning family in many ways.

You're deluded if you think staying with him will be better for the kids. It does kids no good to grow up with an alcoholic and useless father.

This. He is drinking. Buying in cash or cash back on supermarket shops or whatever.

He is drinking though and lying and hiding it.

He's buying drink with that money. I absolutely guarantee it.

Getting tough is a good idea. It's really not a good idea to stay with an alcoholic or let the kids grow up with an alcoholic dad. He needs to sort himself out before he can be a real partner or parent - and he might not. Alcoholics often choose the alcohol. But you just can't turn a blind eye to this and pretend everything is OK. He's being secretive and his behaviour is spiralling and you need to prioritise yourself and your kids.

He's obviously taking the money out as cash so you can't immediately see that he's using it to buy booze.

No expert here but wouldn't you be able to smell alcohol? Sorry, just seen your previous post.

If you are determined to stay then maybe you need to rethink the shared finances. Frame it as 'ok its your money, but you wont talk about it, and actually its OUR money' so Im not prepared to be funding something you are not willing to discuss, so we need to look at how the accounts work.

is it possible to have accounts which dont have the ability to withdraw cash? ie they can be set up for bills but no cards associated with them.

Its a hassle, but perhaps you need to ask him how it can be done fairer. Or you withdraw, £ for £ what he mysteriously spends and put it in your private savings...... can you afford that?

But yes, I agree with the others, its something addictive that he doersnt want you knowing about, and thats likely the big issue here