DH withdrawing too much cash

This op

To be honest, it’s no weirder than the posters saying he could be using it for drugs or gambling.

He’s obviously doing something dodgy that he doesn’t want OP to trace.

It’s very likely alcohol as he’s a known alcoholic and everything points to that.

She didn’t say he withdraws it late at night. She has said he is in the house at night. He is withdrawing during the day to buy alcoholic, which he then drinks at night and comes to bed smelling of it and she finds the empty bottles.

He is not seeing sex workers. And it was a very odd response given the information the OP has provided.

If you think your kids aren't affected by seeing one parent lie in bed until the middle of the day (this is NOT normal behaviour - don't normalise it) whilst the other does everything - you are utterly delusional.

They will also probably know he is secretly drinking and be hyper alert. I was as a kid. My dad also stayed up super late to get on with "secret" drinking and had various empties and supplies hidden in random places around the house. I knew about this from the age of about 5. Kids know and see way more than we think. He was a very functioning, totally secret drinker - until he was utterly non-functioning.

He needs to go to AA and admit he's an alcoholic - not attending "counselling". You, sadly, are enabling him by focusing on your big house etc. This will get worse and the people who will suffer most are your kids.

If you both earn the same then just keep your own money each and have one account where money for bills and shared expenses go. Any money he has left or you is how you want to spend. You both need your own money.
Tho if he was gambling online, or through tv or porn etc it would be a card he would use. Cash seems strange. You could always get up at 3am and go see what he's doing.

Its not a weird response to someone withdrawing money late at night

I missed that. What is it with people being unable to post all the useful information in this opening post?

Yeah, well, a bit of a no-brainer, isn't it ? He is using the cash to buy the booze!!!

He comes to bed smelling of alcohol and she has found empty bottles… so she has noticed … but you think it’s sex workers? Sounds like you’re projecting. What a weird response on this thread.

He is using sex workers as a way to cope with withdrawal syndrome. If we has taking alcohol or drugs you would have noticed it in his behaviour.
Or it could be she is having an affair and giving her money.
At any rate, you need to hire a private investigator immediately to surveil all his movements and conversations. It is not cheap what it will give you the answers that you need.
Good look, lovely.

I don’t know what to advise, but wanted to say well done for being calm, OP. I hope you get some honesty from him soon and can work things out.

He could be withdrawing it so you don’t know he’s spending it on booze.

You could ask why he spent £50 at Tesco and bought no food home, where as if you just see £50 missing he could say it was for anything.

My first thought was drugs but I think you would notice more behaviour changes.

I would assume he is waiting until you go to bed to start drinking which is why he goes to bed so late.

Give him an ultimatum - he goes to the gp and gets help or you’re over.

The kids might not pick up on it yet but they will do and it’s already affecting them as that money could be used for swimming lessons etc or even put in savings for them.

Is he present after school and on weekends for them?

Going by personal experience I’d say coke, it’s really not obvious not like alcohol anyway. Look at his pupils, they will be huge for a while after taking it. ‘Swinging jaw’ which can be as subtle as talking through slightly clenched teeth. Staying up til 4am means he avoids you seeing these things and once he’s up and awake the signs will be gone again.

Weight loss is another sign however this is usually when the addiction is severe. Also a runny nose. Check his wallet and bank card for residue. Coke addicts can lie and lie well, they will get defensive when you ask about money and will convince you they are doing nothing wrong. You need to get to the bottom of it op because whatever addiction is is the £150 will soon multiply and so will the lies.

DP has issues with gambling so I mean this kindly but also with experience. He's drinking, he has got better at hiding it from you is all.

It probably won’t just be in the evenings op. He’ll be drinking more than that.

he has to want to stop. It can’t come from you. You are hugely in denial here. I would suggest you get your own counselling.

This is what I was thinking. Though would have thought it would end up being more than £90 in two weeks.

Without being horrible, you’re not going to leave because you like your house and life too much.
He’s not going to change because he’s an addict so you’re stuck.

Does he drive your DC anywhere in the afternoons? Are you absolutely sure that the large quantities of alcohol would have left his system?

If he withdraws £150 a month you do the same. Keep a fuck off fund in case you want to leave him. If he comments what you are drawing out cash for just reply oh for bits and bobs like you do. He's not trustworthy. Do you really still want to be married to him?

Your DH is hiding a secret from you that involves lots of cash. He refuses to tell you what he’s spending it on. But you’re going to stay because you have a nice house. Ok good luck.

I know nothing about drugs, but to me it's a moot point as whether it's alcohol or drugs, living with an addict if a slow descent into hell. And there's no question he's at the very least addicted to alcohol given all you describe.

My DM found Al-Anon extremely helpful when she was in your position. It's for families and friends of alcoholics: al-anonuk.org.uk/

Our story had a happy ending: my DF quit drinking and stayed 100% sober for the rest of his life - almost 30 years. I am incredibly proud of him and eternally grateful to my DM that she found the strength to give him the ultimatum that finally convinced him to get help (and then managed to forgive him for what he put her through to get there).

And I do think the only two options are he quits drinking or you leave with the DC. You cannot spend your life propping up an alcoholic, you will go mad and he will just get worse. The more you enable him, the more he lets himself sink into it: you are already doing so by handling everything when he's sleeping it off. My DM was advised to stop propping my DF up as she'd been doing for years and let him fall, and only when he reached rock-bottom was he able to actually do something about it.

My DM did manage to protect us from it for a while, but when I got to the tween years she couldn't hide it anymore. Your DC might not yet have realised what's going on (although they might understand more than you think), but they will eventually get there. I know how hard he worked to get sober and I have genuinely forgiven the more difficult years. But that's only because he quit when he did, I doubt our relationship would have survived if he'd kept drinking through my teen years.

Where does he hide the bottles?
Can you just call him out and ask where the hell the cash is going

Ignore this if it isn't relevant, but do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around him, or constantly have to justify yourself?

The backstory is the story. It’s likely that he is an alcoholic and buying his booze in cash so you don’t see how much he is drinking. Sorry OP. You say you can’t leave at the moment but you should work on a plan to do so. You should not stay with an addict who isn’t even accepting that he is one and taking steps - much less subject your children to it.

You most likely live somewhere nice 😂 x